A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We could do with some help solving a problem please. My husband has recently been made redundant(with one week pay) and was offered an opportunity to go on a course to improve his skills and at the end, secure a new job which he was so excited about. This is in 2 weeks. Last night, we received a message from his ex, stating she was going on holiday, my husband has to have the kids and needs to do school runs etc on the same dates as his course. We have told her we can't do it, but if she waits a couple of weeks, then we can. Two weeks notice just isn't enough and we have no money coming in with and a new baby. We only have one car, so It's either the kids stay with me and my husband stays in a hotel which we can't afford or he takes the car and then the kids can't get to school. She won't let me or anyone else take the kids to school either because it's my 'husbands time'. The fact she isn't being reasonable or understanding is worrying me, because her 'holiday' will mean we have to wait for another month before any money comes in. She said she will abandon the children on our doorstep. Please help! Thanks
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his ex, money, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2017): Thank you all for your advice.
Aunty A, to answer your question, if there were really important or an emergency, then yes of course we would accommodate the children, this problem is a little different however because the ex isn't being reasonable with us and demanding we sort out our problems immediately so she can go on holiday. We gave her a list of other dates that we weren't busy.
We have now been told that because she can't go on holiday, the children can't see us anymore, so back to court again unfortunately. The children idolise coming here and seeing their baby sister, so hopefully court will sort things out.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 Clearly the EX is a bytch, I get that! However what would your plan be if this was a freak emergency situation regarding the EX; like a car crash, or perhaps something less dramatic like an operation she had to have (to remove stupidity) and the only available appointment clashed on the same dates as hubby? Where would the kids stay under those circumstances, considering there's a lack of money, one car and bad timing?
Point is you always need to be prepared, have a backup plan to take on his kids regardless of what's happening in your home. It's no different had these kids been all yours, when Hubby was made redundant. He still would have needed to care for them and you, do the course and manage to feed everyone, and find a solution to get them off to school with your help.
As mentioned keep record of her tantrums and any threats to abandon them on your doorstep... meanwhile if it's all too financially straining and no alternative transport services are available; the kids get holidays too with a bit of homeschooling (which can be mailed out to you) to keep them up to date.
It is a pity you have to deal with and unreasonable vindictive EX to put it politely... I wager reasoning with this Witch is a waste of time.
Take Care - CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): You both need to make it clear when the kids are in YOUR house then both your husband and you are making the parenting decisions. She cannot dictate that you do not drive the kids to school, what a bitter, twisted and jealous woman. Whatever happened between her and your husband is over, and regardless of how he made her feel with ending it all their children deserve better. I would advise social services you are concerned about her attitude towards your partner and her children and her willingness to dump them on you for the sake of a holiday with no prior negotiations. Of course everyone deserves a break but a rational person would've contacted their ex in advance with dates and asked if they were ok. Talk to the school as provisions could be made for taxi to transport the children.Your husband is probably afraid of setting her off so doesn't stand up to her, but she cannot dictate to either of you who does what with the kids. You are married to their father, and their step parent. If their mother is happy for them to be with their dad at your house then she accepts you are in the role of step mother. I would want your husband to tell her "fine, bugger off on your holiday but I will be looking at child maintenance money being recalculated as we will have the children longer so she won't send as much money, and that you - his wife and a mother yourself - will be co-parenting the children because that's life. The children come to your house then they live as a family and you are part of their family."Keep records if needed of what has been said - perhaps write it in an email to have an electronic trail and record of communication then should social services be involved there is some evidence there of who said what.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 March 2017):
 You should absolutely NOT back down. Your husband needs to go on this course and you need the money from his new job.
Does the ex have a car? Can she lend it you while she is away on holiday and not needing it? (Either you or your husband could use it.)
Do the kids have any friends whose parents could pick them up for school and drop them off? There must be someone who has a spare seat in their car.
It is always rather pathetic when someone uses children as a tool to get back at an ex. You have to feel for those poor kids, stuck with a feckless mother like that, who rates going on holiday above the well-being of her children.
Not an easy situation but you must have known what you were getting involved in when you married your husband. He comes as a package with his children. I do feel for you though. Not an easy or pleasant situation to be in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Thank you all for the suggestions- they are really useful. We love having the children with us. It's just this period of time that can't be changed and would have dire consequences if he didn't go for this course. Family members are here, but they are elderly.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (12 March 2017):
 You know what. If she thinks your husband and you are good enough for her to leave his children with you then you are both good enough to make parenting decisions when she is not there. Not just this time-anytime. So what if you drive her kids around. If you are responsible then it really is none of her business , she just wants to rule the roost and she ain't roosting under your roof. I agree with Andie, stand your ground and tell her if she abandon the children you will lodge a formal complaint with SS. What about the grandparents or aunts and uncles, can they help out at all?
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (12 March 2017):
The other thing you can do is raise the issue with the children's school and they might be able to suggest transport alternatives which will let your husband take that training course and not keep you out of pocket.
I'm sorry that this doesn't help you NOT have the children to stay but it would be a reasonable compromise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): Thank you both for the advice. This woman does deserve a holiday, however what scares me is whether she thinks my husband deserves to be punished for not allowing her. She had him arrested days before we got married so the children couldn't attend our wedding- the children then admitted to the police that she was lying. This woman constantly puts us in a corner then bad mouths us to the children. We have mostly done what she says, but this time we just can't meet her demands.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (12 March 2017):
So this wouldn't be so much of an issue if you had two cars?
I suggest you ask the kids Mum for money to cover the school run by taxi. If she refuses I suggest that you call social services now to ask if they can provide help with getting the children to school for that period (yes, such benefits do exist). If they can't, then you can raise genuine concerns with social services that you will not be able to take the children to school at all during that period and they should follow these concerns up with Mum.
If she complains that it's "Dads turn" and won't let anyone else do the school run - just say that it won't be happening like that if she chooses to take her holiday then but she has the choice to make alternative arrangements if she pleases.
Basically the message you need to bring across is "We are always happy to have the children to stay but you cannot dictate how we lead our lives when they are staying."
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 March 2017):
 Tell her no. Keep all communications and call social services, if she dumps them on your doorstep.
If she does, tell SS you're struggling to look after the children these particular weeks and their mother felt it was appropriate to drop them off with you, so she could go on holiday. They'll probably contact her and let her know it's not okay and warn her against it.
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