A
female
age
36-40,
*epper87
writes:Hi everyone, my mum passed away almost 3 years go. She was taken from us very very quickly with cancer. We had under 12 hours notice that she had terminal cancer before she died. It has been a very hard few years since, dealing with the grief of mums sudden death and adjusting to life without her. My marriage also broke down so life changed in so many ways. After spending what felt like a life time in a dark place and various different antidepressants and struggling with day to day life, things began to feel a little normal. I know you can never 'get over' death of a loved one but simply adjust to life without them. My mum was married to my stepdad for 17 years, he brought my sister and I up, coming into the family when we were young children so I care for him dearly and think of him as another father to me. I've really made sure since mum died that he doesn't drift away from our family and see him regularly for walks with the dog, coffee and even the odd take away! Last night he told my sister and I that he's started seeing someone. He blurted it out and was clearly very nervous, the conversation was directed more to which coffee shop he went to and it's location but eventually I managed to say 'good for you, how did you meet and is she local?' And that was the end of the conversation. This morning after mulling over it all night I burst into tears over the thought of my step dating someone else. I always worry about him being lonely as he only has his dog and us two girls but I never imagined him seeing someone else, I didn't think it would become real! It also opens up huge emotions again as it feels old wounds have been reopened reminding me mum has gone. I feel so confused, wanting him to be happy and not lonely, but on the same token I'm so sad with the reminder mum has gone. It all feels real again. I've been running away with my thoughts what if this gets serious between them, will he move out of his and mums home? Will she move in? etc... it's only natural he seeks friendship/relationship he's a human but it feels after almost three years life was just beginning to feel half normal. Please help me make sense of this situation. Xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Pepper87 +, writes (26 March 2017):
Pepper87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks for your answers it really helped. I saw my stepdad yesterday and it wasn't too bad. He talked a lot about his new girlfriend and they've already planned a little trip away in a few months, so it seems quite serious between the two of them. I'm pleased he's being very open with it and it was nice he could talk to me about what they've been doing together when they've met up. I think now a couple of weeks have passed since he told me it seems a little easier. I think it was just a shock and a reminder that mum has gone, and life does move on. But I am happy for him as it was such a worry that he was lonely, and to know now that he has companionship feels like a weight lifted. He's already said that he'll never forget my mum and we went to where her ashes were scattered today which was nice. Thank you again for your help, it was much appreciated:) xx
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 Off course this is going to be difficult. You do learn to adjust to life without a loved one and then something else happens and you realize all over again that the world is changing without them. It is very bittersweet for you as you are still quite young and it will be difficult to see your step dad with someone else. But just give it time. It is still raw because the news is still new. Just remember that he is doing nothing wrong but am sure he felt awful telling you girls. If things get to much for you maybe speak to a bereavement counselor about how you have been feeling or if you are able talk things through with your sister.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 March 2017):
 I am so sorry you are still missing your mum so much. Losing her so suddenly must have come as an awful shock and life can never be quite the same again. I lost my mum 17 years ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. We never "get over" our loss; we simply learn to cope with it.
It is a testament to the happiness your stepfather shared with your mum that he wants to do it again. People who have shared happiness and love miss it when one partner dies and usually seek it again with someone else. If he had been unhappy, he would probably prefer to remain on his own and not risk getting involved with someone else. Your mum was obviously a very loving lady and he is seeking to find that love again with someone else.
I can totally understand how mixed up you must feel about this, but I bet your mum would have wanted him to be happy. It won't be easy - and there is no saying this relationship will work out - but try to put on a brave face for his sake and make his new lady friend welcome. That way you will be adding another step mum to your family, rather than losing your step father, who I am sure will still want to keep you and your sister close.
Be strong. HUGS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2017): You're still so young to have lost your mum. I'm in the same age bracket and honestly cannot even imagine the pain of that. How very lucky you have had such a wonderful relationship with your stepfather though, he must still feel a lot of pain too and meeting someone new is a massive step for him. He likely would have been worried you girls would think less of him for meeting someone else, and was probably so nervous about telling you both. You can see though, how lonely he must have become and you are right that it is only natural he seeks companionship once more.Know this though, as I have a friend who lost a parent, and their mum said that even meeting someone else doesn't take away the pain of missing their life partner. When someone dies suddenly and unexpected they are taken from you all and no one chose that. It's not the same meeting someone as it would be for divorced people. A new partner forever accepts that the love for the 'old' partner has never gone. So she said actually it is very hard for someone to meet a widow/widower because both the partner and all the family still love and miss someone very dear to them. Whilst your dad meeting someone else is bringing back many emotions, consider that whoever he meets will accept that he will forever have your mum in his heart and it takes a very decent kind of person to take that on. So whoever she is, if it lasts, must be a kind person and someone who deserves a chance.If you haven't had some counselling previously, it might be a good time now to look for someone to talk to about your feelings. Working through them with someone who specialises in grief would be of great benefit. They can help you process all those thoughts and all that pain which resurfaces. Best of luck to you for the future.
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