A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My family is dividing my grandmother's jewelery this weekend. The divide is between my mother (daughter), my cousin (granddaughter), me (granddaughter), and my cousin's 15 year old (great-granddaughter). My mom insists that my grandmother told her right before she died to take any jewelery she wanted and then for the rest of us to divide what was left. My grandfather says he doesn't believe this and that we'll all divide it equally. We are dividing it this weekend. I'm very stressed over this because my mother is the greedy type. I know she will be angry over how it's being divided. She's extremely passive aggressive and I'm worried what she will say to my cousin. Originally I suggested diving it by my mom going first, then cousin, then me, then cousin's daughter. That way everyone would get 1 item they really wanted. My mom threw a fit at the time and my grandfather refused to let us go through it. That was a year ago. I'm very worried how my mom will act this weekend and the feelings that will get hurt. My mom says that since she is the daughter it should all go to her. I feel my cousin deserves at least a huge share since my grandmother basically raised her and she was my grandmother's favorite. I also feel that it's my grandfather's decision how this should go. Any idea how to navigate this?
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (7 September 2017):
When it comes to the assets of people who passed away, there is always people that feel entitled to the whole enchilada. The fairest thing to do in here would be to split equally, regardless of your mother's tantrums. The one that should be taking the decisions in there, is not your mother, but your grandfather, since he was the man who stood with your grandmother all those years, and knows best what she really wanted.You should not worry about how your mother handles this situation, because it's likely that whatever happens, she is not going to like it and she is going to throw their tantrum.I can tell you that because I have a sister just like your mother, but she is more shameless that she actually have stolen my parent's assets, because she feels entitled to EVERYTHING my parents own. I hope those jewels are split equally and everyone else feel happy about how it was shared.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 No no, Miss Kin - it would be completely illegal for the Grandfather to start giving away as gifts things that do not belong to him, but to an estate of which he is only one of the heirs and not even the main one.
I had not taken into account the unmentioned OP's Uncle or Aunt ( I had thought that he/ she was deceased, - sorry OP, tell him / her not to hate me ). If there's another surviving child, then he/ she will share half of the 2/3 ( or whatever other percentage )the law assigns to the surviving children. But other than that, grandchildren , great - grandchildren etc. are legally entitled to absolutely nothing ( in lack of specific provisions in the will ). From this point of view, as a matter of fact, tbh , I can see why the OP's mom is getting upset because of all the people defending teeth and nails their right ( which they do not have ) to dig into her pockets. Sure, she COULD be more generous and giving - but nobody likes to be strongarmed into generosity, and nobody likes to feel that their gifts ( as the jewels that she COULD ipothetically share with you, your cousin etc. ) are not seen as gifts but as God-given rights.
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A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (7 September 2017):
 Can you speak to you grandfather? Surely he should decide who has what? Clearly doing something like a "lucky dip" wouldn't work if people are greedy.
Could you grandfather give it out as Christmas gifts? That way everyone gets one nice thing, and then maybe he can sell the rest and give it to charity or split the money equally between you.
Situations like this make me so angry. It should be about what means the most to you, not what the item is worth or what you think you're 'entitled' to.
Take it as a lesson to write a will.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2017):
 Oh, I hate when people get greedy with stuff that ISN'T theirs (yet). I have seen it a few times in my own family and it disgusts me.
Honestly, I'd suggest you grandfather finds a NEUTRAL 3rd person (maybe an appraiser, if the jewelry is worth a decent amount) and DIVIDE them into "sets". And either all you females of the family PICKS 1 set and then the next and so on. That would make sense.
Like Cindy explained the children or child (your mom and your uncle/aunt in this case)are the MAIN beneficiaries. Since you have a cousin, your mother has at least one sibling. Whether the sibling is male or female - they share the 2/3! which means if your MOM wants to get technical your uncle should get half and your mom the other half (of the 2/3).
I would also have a chat with your mom. If MY mom acted like this, I would have a chat with her.
I wasn't in the country when my other grandmother passed so I have only a few things she gave me before she passed. She had moved into a much smaller condo and there were quite a few things she didn't feel she had room for which she game to my brother and me (we helped her move). I still have those. Since my paternal grandmother had 2 boys most of the jewelry was sold. There were 6 grandchildren and each got to pick a piece first. My brother kindly picked something he thought I might like and I have those.
When my mother died (not long after) my father asked if we (my brother and I) wanted to divide the estate and we said no. Basically, we didn't want my dad to sell half of everything he owned with our mother. My SIL/brother got to pick a few things (since my father was down sizing). And I'm fine with that.
I think being greedy over things that aren't yours is absolutely crude and uncouth. And it shows the family just who is who when it comes down to it. Makes you WANT to make a will for yourself so none of that nonsense shows up later.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (7 September 2017):
Unless it has been written down, I'm pretty sure It will be your Grandfathers decision about how it is divided. You can take legal advice about it to be sure. Normally when someone dies without a will the belongings will fall first to the spouse and then to the children.Nothing your mother says should be taken as gospel if she is the main benefactor of her claimsYour method seems a good one, however make it fairer by drawing lots to see who goes first second etc. Your grandfather must either accept a fair method or devise one himself.If you all agree the jewellery is family property them you might want to make an agreement about selling it or giving it to anyone outside family. You must also decide what is more important, what is fair, or whether feelings are hurt. If feelings are hurt when things are divided fairly and according to your grandmothers wishes, those feelings will heal much quicker than if resentment occurs because of unfairness. Remember you cant please everyone, all of the time, so stick up for what is fair and you'll feel a lot better
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 September 2017):
EDIT : I meant " between your Grandfather and your MOTHER " of course !
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 September 2017):
I take it that your Grandma died without leaving a will.
In this case you should simply check on line your State " intestacy laws " ( laws that regulate the attribution of property from people who dies " intestate " , i.e. without a will ). Following them is the proper thing to do, not only because laws are laws, but because not doing that can stir up all sort of complicances, with civil suits and even penal charges.
Intestacy laws vary from a State to another, but not really a lot . Very generally speaking ( but go check first ! ) the property of a married woman with children will go 1/3 to the surviving spouse, and 2/3 to be divided equally among her children.
Since it seems your Mother is an only child, generally speaking ( again, go check ! ) it is quite possible that she has the right of ownership of 2/3 of your Grandma's estate , with no obligation to give any of it to any other relative. So, the squabble will have to be all between Grandpa ( who, if he wants, of course can give part of his share to you or to whonever he wants ) and your Grandmother. If they cannot agree about dividing the single items between themselves, I suppose they will have to sell the jewels and share the money.
You may feel that this is unfair, then again, if your grandma did not leave specific instructions in her will, in every US State ( as for that, in every country in the world, I think ) the surviving children have legal rights to the lion's share and you cannot MAKE then became generous without infringing their rights.
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