A
female
age
41-50,
*eoz
writes:I don't know where to start. I've been married to my husband since 2002. We've known each other since we were about 18/19 and got together when we were 21, just after leaving university. We moved in together very quickly - after about three months of dating but we'd been friends for a while and knew each other pretty well we didn't think too hard about it and at the time, I was trying to get out of a flat I shared with a really messy friend. We are now both 33.Anyway, he's white English, I'm South East Asian. We recently underwent IVF and I'm now about 32 weeks pregnant (just over 7 months).We have a number of problems and they all stemmed from him looking at porn very early in our relationship. It really knocked my confidence and then that led to me becoming distant, angry and frustrated. I cut off all my hair in the first year and he really hated me doing that because he loved my hair so much when we were going out. The other issue was that because we had moved in so fast, we'd never had a chance to really "date" and understand one another and he wouldn't let me move out so we could see each other 2 or 3 times a week or something and then go from there. My mother also had a problem with us living together because she doesn't believe in sex before mmarriage so she was pressuring us to stay together and get married.During the whole time that we were living together, I secretly used to cry almost every other night because of my confidence - especially when I really wanted sex. It made me feel really unhappy and I was raging inside and very lonely. I grew up with lots of nieces and nephews and I was very close to them and I felt I had also let them down because they needed me - they had quite mentally/emotionally abusing parents and I was the only person they could talk to. This led to the other problems that affected me and my husband which was that ne of my nieces had been abused by an uncle on her mother's side (he dad is my brother) and she went off the rails a little bit - she started to flirt and do strange things around my husband and it started to upset me. I think my husband (in his head) responded and felt guilty about it. (She was an adult by the way - not a kid). She also had anorexia and bulimia and I really wanted to help her but at the same time, I felt mad at them. Before all this, my husband had several crushes on various women in his office - he didn't do anything because he is honest and has always told me about things like that - except the porn.I grew up in a house where I was rejected from a very early age - I am the youngest of three children - by a really wide margin and my brother is 18 years my senior, my sister is 13 years my senior so they left home when I was very young (actually, my brother left home before I was born). So, we weren't very close and also, my brother bullied me a lot and my mother never stood up for me. I had a lot of anger and would usually take it out on myself (by self-harming). When I realised my husband was just not "available" to me and he was always stressed about work issues I did the same self-harming(even though we both have similar responsibilities and I still manage to come home and look after us and the house and cook etc). His stress always feels like it should be more important than mine.I became very curious about porn because I was so jealous and hurt. But that took me down a very dangerous mental road and I started looking at rather extreme things - and I would self-harm as a result. I told him about it but he thought it was all related to my family issues but they weren't. I would never have known about this stuff if I hadn't been exposed to porn. You see, we were both virgins when we got together and neither of us had been in a relationship before. Please don't misunderstand. My husband is a very kind man and he's my best friend. We have both had our own set of mental health issues and he's still occasionally has very dark issues.Anyway,. why am I writing here? Well, in recent months my work had been very stressful due to long term illnesses at work and people going off on maternity leave so I had a lot of work to cover. During that time was when my niece became very ill and started her shenanigans. I self harmed even more then - and this time it was visible on my face - I used to relentlessly pick my spots and they created craterous scars.As I felt more and more isolated - especially from my family - because the nieces and nephews were growing up and I was getting more and more paranoid and neurotic about everyone, I started falling out with them. My other niece - she met a boy she moved in with and everything was "normal" but one day they asked me if I would help them finance a car so he could start his business as a chauffeur. I agreed (foolishly). But I had never looked at money as more important than my family so I figured, that it will probably go horribly wrong but I was financially reasonably okay as I had a good job. I didn't consult my husband because he would have said no (that was wrong, I know) but it was my salary (I contributed to half our household anyway) and anything else was for my use and I usually spent it on my family anyway. I have never spent money on myself - I don't go shopping and I don't spent on trivial things).Anyway, it did go horribly wrong because they split up and it was a very bad split and now he won't give me the money he owes me for the car. I had to tell my husband after I threw a major tantrum at my niece because she was the one that caused some of the reasons why her ex wouldn't pay me back. My husband didn't understand why I was shouting at her - because i had never ever been angry at any young person in my family. I had felt so bad for lying to him that told him that night and he was very upset. We had already started some of our IVF treatment and he said we should still go ahead, although now, I think we should have waited.Since then, things have been very strained, very difficult and he has been very angry with me because I had never kept anything from him - he also doesn't want me to have any contact with my niece ever again because he felt that she manipulated me emiotnally to get the finance. I think he is right to an extent but I? also know that she was in a very abusive, difficult relationship with this man and she took things too far. But I am angry with her as well because she didn't support me or help with with a solution to the money he owed me after everything I have tried to do for her over the years. I have been like a second mother to her.Then, my husband started going on about my scars from when i had picked the spots and telling me to cover them up and put make up on and he said that that's "fair" and involved a bit of a "give and take" from me. He said the scars reminded him of all the problems so he went on and on but that just made me worse amd made me want to self harm even more - and that's something I promised myself I wouldn't do when I was pregnant. I have been lucky with the pregnancy because I've had no health problems and so on.But at this moment in time, I think my husband is falling for a woman in his office. I think he had to confide in someone about all of this and she just happened to listen. She's not his usual type and it was me that noticed he was falling for her by the way he talked about her and what he was saying about her. I told him he was in love with her but he says he doesn't know and at the moment, he doesn't know if is in love with me. We're still together and we're still living together and doing all the usual things. We went to a marriage counsellor but we only really talked about the finance and my family issues (but I hadn't talked to the counsellor about the porn/self harm/ the other crushes and this woman in the office).You see, it seemed to me that he always preferred the company of other women, and talked to them more than he did me. He has more fun with them and we have less and less in common. I have made efforts to be interested in things he likes but he's not done the same for me. I feel like the woman in his office is his soulmate and that he should be with her. He hasn't done anything with her but I because he has been unable to say he's in love with me - that he has a stronger feeling for her. I said I needed to know what he wanted to do before the baby was born so that I could move on - whatever the outcome. Throughout the whole pregnancy, he has shown no real interest in the baby, hasn't read up about anything, hasn't helped me with much - except, he painted the nursery.Work is really stressing him out as well and I still being supportive but I just need to know what he wants to do. We have talked a lot over the last few days and i have told him how his behaviour in the early part of our relationship had affected me and us. I am trying to hold things together so that I have a healthy pregnancy but i am finding it harder and harder and I just want something to change.Women keep making a move on him at work and I feel really betrayed by these women - there seems to be no sister hood at all. The woman he is falling for hasn't done anything - I don't think she will because she was similarly hurt by her boyfriend of about 8 years who left her for another woman and took all her money so i guess she and my husband formed a mutual bond over some of their hurt feelings but they also have a lot in common and seem to have something more real. I would rather he left and at least then when our daughter is born, she won't have two parents are constantly distant and having difficulties.I don't know the first thing about whether to fight for him or to just move on. He thinks he will be in love with me again and he says he is looking forward to the baby but I am not so sure. I think he's not really been interested in anything for months. Anyway, sorry for such a long post but I thought I'd give the full history of why we are where we are. I feel like I have been such a doormat. I used to be so feisty and the only place i feel happy is at work. My mother is always laying guilt on me for not helping her out (she's in her 70's) I have done the best I can but she has two other children and lots of adult grandchildren but she always seems to want me to sort out all her problems. i feel like no-one ever helps me. I always have to carry myself. I have quite strong faith in God - a bit unfashionable in this day and age, I know but I do feel like God's looking out for me but I don't feel like anyone belongs to me or that I belong to anyone. I might as well just be myself. I don't think my hudband will truly be my soulmate. He doesn't understand me and we;ve been so distant for so long, I don't know if we could ever rebuild anything. We are good friends and will be there fore each other but I don't think he really "wants" me any more.What do you all think?
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acne, anorexic, at work, best friend, both virgins, bullied, confidence, crush, flirt, her ex, jealous, money, move on, moved in, porn, soulmate, split up, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 February 2009):
 You need to be able to tell him how you're feeling, the fact you want some tenderness and reassurance from him and where you stand with him. Remember, communication is the key always! Can I ask both your dates of birth?
~Eve~
A
female
reader, geoz +, writes (12 February 2009):
geoz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, both for your very full and frank replies.
I just thought I would write an update really. We have been talking a lot more about many of these things and have started to communicate but something is still niggling me and possibly him too. I don't know if he can support me, not right now. I know none of our problems will be solved overnight, but I haven't heard what he thinks yet about the lady in his office and what he feels about either of us. I still feel a little like I am in limbo which is probably why I am trying to safeguard myself by taking a step back. Don't get me wrong, we have had a few really positive days and have enjoyed each other's company but sometimes, I think it's because my husband is risk-averse and is taking the least painful route by not committing either way yet. Maybe that's his way of safeguarding himself, I don't know.
It's the look in his eyes, really that says it all, I suppose. He's just not there. And when he talks about his colleague - it's like he's young again, his whole body language, voice, everything is so vibrant. I kind of feel sorry for him (strange, I know). If I wasn't his wife, I would have tried to match-make them already but I am his wife and I wish his stance was the same for me but it isn't. I've never been someone who stays in denial about this sort of thing. I just want to know where I stand without pressuring him so I can make some choices about my future and the future of our baby.
In the meantime, I've been reading more about sex. I know that might sound like a really glib thing to say but I think that has been part of the problem, that due to our lack of experience, we both neglected that part of our lives - again, don't get me wrong - other than during pregnancy, we have had a good sexual relationship but I think we probably could have made more effort in understanding each other in bed more. I found a couple of books by Nancy Friday - and it's been eye opening to say the least. Having said that, I don't believe it's the solution to our problems - just one aspect of a set of things.
Well, tomorrow is a new day and we might get through this. I just want to belong and to have someone who doesn't take me for granted. I feel like I am just part of the furniture instead of someone who could do with some tenderness for a change. I don't think he's ever been able to show me that - not really and I don't know how to attain that. Sorry, I'm rambling now. But some of this is very cathartic. I used to write a lot - I'd kept a diary/journal for years but then stopped so it's helping me to clarify what I'm feeling.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 February 2009):
I can totally understand your pain and hope I can help shed some light on the situation and help you see that all is not lost here for your marriage. Your confidence has taken such a knock over the years, from early childhood through to your husband’s porn habit. (More about that later).
I am fully aware that you love your nieces and nephews and would want to help them, this would take away from your own problems and make you feel needed, you were doing something worthwhile helping them out but it is not healing the void within YOU! Your first priority here is to concentrate on yourself and work on the problems between you and your husband before trying to help anyone else out. Your niece has big issues all of her own and she should see a therapist/counsellor to address her issues of anorexia and bulimia. You have enough on your plate and shouldn’t involve yourself there. If anything advise her to see help from a counsellor.
You need to concentrate on building up closeness again with your husband. He should be your confidante, your lover and your best friend and you should be his. One of the cornerstones in any successful relationship is communication. It keeps you feeling close, reassured, involved and loved, knowing that your husband can talk to you about anything and of course that you can do the same and talk to him about any problems you might have and need his opinion on, or just everyday things. It strengthens the bond between you both and makes other attributes such as loyalty, trust, honesty etc much easier to accept .
Have you ever asked yourself WHY he watches so porn? Could it be that you and him are not as intimate any more and he’s turning to porn as a form of release? The porn watching will alleviate his stress but it is not the answer, it’s only temporary and is simply a release for him. His porn watching is causing you to feel insignificant, your confidence and self esteem drops and you feel ugly, unworthy, jealous, unloved and frustrated and all of this comes out through self harming. You need to discuss it with him about it in a loving way, ask him what he likes about it. Discuss it (without raised voices and fighting) and let him know how much you hate him doing it and how it makes you feel and ask what you can do to change his habits.
You say “his stress always feels like it should be more important than mine…” BOTH of you and the things you suffer are AS important and again they need to be talked about lovingly. Through time his “dark issues” will become easier for him to talk to you about and your feelings of how you can feel unloved will be easier to put across. If he can confide in YOU and with time, find it easy to talk to you about things then he won’t need anyone else from his office to talk to. Again, it only shows how communication is so important in a relationship.
Regarding the issue about your niece, she manipulated you emotionally to get the finance. Sure she has problems in her relationship too but they’re not your problems and you shouldn’t feel guilty or feel you have to give all the time because of the way she lives her life. Your husband was kept in the dark about all of this, is it any wonder he’d have felt angry being “left out…?” You should apologise to him for that and respect what he says on the matter and distance yourself from her for a while. Remember, he’s only looking out for YOU so give him the chance to protect you and look after you.
Your mother too seems a big influence on her life but you need to learn not to let her control you. You are an adult now and your first priority is your husband. Be firm with your mother, she has other family members who can help her. Just refuse to let her pull you down. You are a strong woman so keep strong!
You need to stand up and FIGHT for your husband. It sounds in your post as if you’re almost pushing him and this colleague together! Is that what you really want? If not then change your attitude, do things together, have fun together, look good for him, let him SEE how much he means to you and how important he is in your life. He has feelings too remember and he can feel left out and unloved as well… If he didn’t love you then he would have cheated on you long ago. The very fact he has remained loyal to you speaks volumes so think about that. Believe in yourself more! Be proud of your faith! Talk to your God and ask for his help to give you the positivity and confidence to be the best you can be. You are a bright, articulate woman who has had her confidence battered over the years but you have a good head on your shoulders and I believe you can come through this and be all the stronger for it.
Try to stop being so negative. Negativity only leads to MORE negativity, “I don’t think my husband loves me any more”. “I don’t know if our distance can be rebuilt,” “he’s probably better off with this woman from work,” “I don’t think he wants me any more”. Can you see where I’m coming from? Instead think POSITIVE thoughts. He does love me and he does want me. I will do more for him, I am beautiful inside and out. I am a strong person and I do love my husband with all my heart and I want us to survive and have a strong bond!
You both have so much to look forward to. Embrace that! Show how much you love him by your actions! Be there for each other, be happy, look good, act feisty again! Make the home warm and inviting so he’ll look forward to coming home at night from the stresses and strains of work. Love him with a passion and let him know your feelings for him, don’t hold back. I’m sure your husband will welcome the change in you with open arms and gradually, with your help and support, he’ll change for the better too. You only get one shot at this life so grab that chance with both hands and GO for what you truly want! Make it count!
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (10 February 2009):
I am so sorry you are going through all this emotional pain, with your marriage, with your family, and within yourself.
There's so much going on here, I wouldn't even know where to begin to help you sort it all out.
I would say first work on getting yourself better, mentally and emotionally, for your baby will soon be here. Get yourself into individual counseling. Be honest with your therapist - don't hide anything, esp. your issue with self-harming. There is a deep psychological reason why you do this, I guess stemming from your feeling that no one ever helps you or supports you, but rather, you are the one always helping and supporting everyone else. So, your own self-worth could be compromised and affected in a negative way. A counselor will help you get to the root cause and help you find ways to get on the road to recovery with this. Self-harm is not good for you, and it will not be good for your baby to have a mother who feels so badly about herself that she resorts to doing this.
Your counselor can also help you learn how to stand up for yourself and to learn what your own limitations are, when it's time to say no to someone else, and how to ask others for help and support when it is a time when you may need those things. You also have to be prepared to stand on your own two feet and find your own inner strength, in case you do not receive the help and support you are seeking for you and your baby.
Even if you end up raising your baby on your own as a single parent, that baby will change your life in so many wonderful ways, with or without a husband around, with or without any outside support.
I raised my youngest son completely on my own, so I know it can be done. His father has never been around (he left for good when I was still in my first trimester), and outside help and support has been very limited. I went back to work full-time when he was only 6 weeks old. It was never easy - and still isn't (he's now 13). But I was determined that I would do what I had to do, with or without his father around. I just did the best I could on my own. My point is that it can be done, but you will have to be very strong within yourself and give all you can to your baby, focusing on the joy that your baby will bring. If you do split up, your husband will probably be involved in the baby's life to some degree anyway. I know your husband hasn't seemed to be as interested as he should be, but he did tell you he thought you should continue moving forward with the pregnancy anyway, even amongst troubles; and also that he was looking forward to the birth of your baby.
Normally I would suggest marriage counseling, but in your case, it sounds as though you have alot of internal issues that may need sorting out first. Once you are feeling better within yourself, then you can begin to tackle the problems with your husband and your marriage. I also think that when you are feeling stronger, you will have a better perspective on your marriage and will be able to arrive at your own definitive conclusions as to whether you want to stay in the marriage and work on it, or end things. Work on getting your emotional strength and independence back. Then you won't stay in the marriage for the wrong reasons. You will start to get a clearer picture as to what your next move should be, for your own sake as well as for your baby's sake. I am not getting the impression you would stay in the marriage just for the baby's sake. On the contrary, I think you realize it would ultimately be better for the baby's upbringing if you two split up if things weren't working out between you.
As far as your marriage goes, it will take complete honesty, will, determination, motivation, time, and lots of hard work to make a go of it. There are unresolved issues between you that need addressing, in front of a marriage counselor. I know you've already tried that, but if you both are not completely honest with the counselor, discussing any and all issues (that includes the porn/affairs, whether they be emotional or physical)/issues with other women/self-harm/your sex life/etc., it won't work. The counselor cannot possibly help if he/she doesn't have the whole picture laid out on the table. If the counselor does not have all the pieces to the puzzle, then how can the counselor possibly be effective in helping you two repair your marriage?
Of course, when you are feeling better, you may decide you don't want to try to repair your marriage. That will be a decision both you and your husband will have to arrive at.
I just get the sense, the feeling, that you are tired and burned out from everything - from your marriage, from your family, from your own life. You will need to infuse some new energy into yourself before your baby is born, so that you can enjoy your baby and be the best mother you can be for your baby, and continue working on yourself as you go along. You will know eventually whether your marriage is worth trying to save. Just do one thing at a time, starting with yourself.
Good luck to you, good luck with your new baby, good luck with your husband, and let us know how things are going.
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