A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am having a bit of a moral-social dilemma and would like your opinion on it.I am a bi woman who was born in 1982 (I am 26 now) and although I personally still feel like a 22 year old and get on well with people who are 2 or 3 years younger than me, it cannot be denied that age-wise I am running towards 30 which is fine by me. However I have recently realized that whilst I might still think of myself as somewhere between teenage and adult, the people who were born at the beginning of nineties have meanwhile grown up! (according to my inner calender they should still be kids.)This made me face a problem: I am pretty active on social networking sites (talking about facebook here) and belong to many groups mostly gay, feminist, anti-porn and music and event-related. I NEVER actively look for "friends" (people that I don't know in real life), but I often receive friend requests from others which I usually accept. I have recently received a friend request from a girl who was born in 1992! Which according to my calculations and understanding makes her still a child. I totally don't know how to react to it or how to relate to it. Basically I look at her profile and think "I would like to talk to her she sounds smart (she is into poetry and art and her stuff is actually good)" but I mostly think "you are still a child you should not be approaching strangers on the net!!!". I know from posts on here that there are many 17-19 year old people who have casual sex regularly and are generally adventurous, but somehow I always thought of adults that are interested in teenagers as weird.When I was 15-16 I did actually make out with some much older men,I guess I was looking for a father figure, but I didn't loose virginity until 18. Whilst I can understand where I was coming from in those relations I still think of older men and teenagers as wrong. Basically when I was 16 I would probably have dated someone of any age and would probably wanted to have a relationship with them. But as an adult myself I feel that I need to be more responsible than that. As an adult I feel very suspicious of adults who date teenagers. I totally don't know what to think. On the one hand I am looking for an ideal slightly platonic friendship/love relationship and somehow feel attracted to this 16-17 year old girl who writes and is intelligent, on the other hand I would not want to do anything that I myself would not approve of as an adult parent. Is it accaptable for a bi woman to be friends with a teenager that she is attracted to? Where do I draw a line?This is the first person who is that much younger that me that I am attracted to, but by far NOT the only "friend request" from someone that young. What should be my position on such situation, should it be: "people can be friends and overcome age barriers" or "they are children and should be protected from friendships with adults because the can lead to emotional involvent that is wrong". Also most of this is actually hypothetical and more in the realm of what is morally right or wrong, I have not accepted her "friend request" yet, I am aware that it is not "real life", and that social networking sites are not actually for dating so my talking about dating is highly exaggerated, so all of this is a big "what if?"...BRING THE NORMAL WORLD WITHOUT FACEBOOK BACK!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"The reason everyone objected to the girl scenario was probably as it seemed that the woman was perhaps preying on the girl slightly and as she is still very young, impressionably and also possibly unsure of her sexuality there is the possibility she could be encouraged into something she really may not have considered.
Just a thought!"
I think generally it is more likely that a man would prey on a teenage girl than a woman. I have asked a 30 year old male friend of mine, a rather straight forward person the following questions "is it o.k. to date someone who is 16 or 17" and is answer was to quote jokingly a male friend of his "J says that as long as a woman has hair on her pussy it is o.k. to f*(&% her". My next question was: would you hold the same opinion if your 17 year old daughter wanted to date a guy who is 10 years older? and his answer was " I don't think I would object".
Both of these men hold MA degrees in philosophy and everyone would describe them as rather respectable.
Now I would really feel strange about letting this happen and would probably insist that they wait a year or so.
I didn't like the idea of straight sex when I found out what it was about, and all of my initial thoughts about sex were related to women but I have been "encouraged" into the idea of heterosexuality and made to be scared of any homosexual thoughts. I ended up sleeping with men that I didn't fancy one bit, but who impressed me with compliments and gave me tenderness. Now I keep thinking what would have happened if my family has been less traditional, the country I grew up in less heterosexist, and my development was allowed to take its natural course. I wouldn't have had to take this roundabout road to who I am and would not to have to restore my self respect after I made meaningless compromises.
So I agree with the opinion that young people should not be encouraged into something they might not have considered.
A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Interesting view point.
However, i wouldn't say anyone particularly thought it was a good scenario they all thought it best to wait until she was a little older but i can definately see what you mean.
The reason everyone objected to the girl scenario was probably as it seemed that the woman was perhaps preying on the girl slightly and as she is still very young, impressionably and also possibly unsure of her sexuality there is the possibility she could be encouraged into something she really may not have considered.
Just a thought!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. I will probably not add her as a friend in the end.
But I was curious if the situation was slightly different, if it was actually a real life situation between a girl and a man, so I have posted this question which is made up.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-acceptable-for-a-27-year-old.html
A slightly different age discription (turning 17 in april instead of just describing it as "16", ) and more notably a different GENDER, which means HETEROSEXUAL activity.
Almost no one said it is wrong for a 27 year old guy to date a 17 year old girl on that post. most of them advise to wait with sex until 18 (btw it is legal here at 16)
But make it a MERE POSSIBILITY of NON HETEROSEXUAL FRIENDSHIP between a woman and a teenage girl, everyone freaks out.
So a guy can date a girl 10 years younger and a woman can't.
No wonder there are so many teenage pregnancies around the world.
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (2 February 2009):
I wouldn't question adding her to your friend base, i have answered many questions posed by young people on thnis site but since you have mentioned you have an attraction for her i would definately not accept.
I don't know how you can feel attracted to someone who you only know through words on a computer screen. Get real! Stop spending so much time on these social networking sites and get out and find a real connection meeting real people! She probably lives a million miles away anyhow and are you going to pay her train fare to visit you.
I know relationships can work with a 10 year gap but when she is still classed as a child i think it is totally out of order to persue it.
Yes i know you have said you haven't as yet but you have posted the question here so it has been a big consideration for you.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (2 February 2009):
 I agree with Irish. Playing with fire describes it brilliantly. I would advise not to accept the request, just to keep everything above board. I'm not saying you would be capable of anything distasteful, but we hear enough stories about people who ARE that it's worth being cautious.
masq
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Stop with the 'what if's'. You really, really need to be sensible about this, hun and stop convincing yourself..this 'could be ok' because it's not. You are playing with fire. If she born in 1992, she is 16 years old. You are 26. You have openly stated you are attracted to her. That alone should be sending up a few cautionary red flags, in your ethical worldview. On Facebook, most adolecsents have a gazillion friends they never talk to anyways. I have found many teens collect 'friends' on Facebook, and and many of these friends, they barely know. My suggestion. Think smart and just 'don't' accept her friend request...plain and simple. Good luck and think wisely.
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