A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I need help and advice. I am an unhappily married 46 year old man with two children aged 13 and 8. Heres how the story goes, 8 years ago now I met what I feel was the love of my life, my soulmate. I worked with her 8 years ago and she was only 22 at the time, she had a boyfriend and I was married and my wife was expecting our second child. When I met her it was love like ive never experienced, there was a powerful soulmate connection between us, like we'd known each other in a previous life. We became really close friends during that time, talked for hours on the phone, We met up about 8 times and just held one another and kissed each other, cuddled, the last time we met I wanted to sleep with her but it never got that far. I think she and I knew these feelings couldnt be acted upon and were wrong as I was married with a family and I told her I would never leave my wife and two daughters, she accepted that and asked me not to contact her anymore.That was 8 years ago now, yet I still think about her and worry how she is. The next part of this story is that nearly 2 years ago now I got a text from her asking how I was and was I well and sorry for the way it ended. Shes now married to her then boyfriend and has a daughter who would of just turned 3. I think the contact was maybe a bit too painful for us both. I still had feelings for her and she did for me. Afterwards she got all emotional on me saying she still loved me and she could be just my friend If I needed it. I told her we must carry on with our lives because of the children involved she said in her last text ok, she agreed and it was just too emotional for her. I never replied anymore and its been nearly two years since we had contact. My main questions are, could it be that because I still care and have feelings for her after 8 years that I do love her ? Do you think she does love me as she said but she just finds it too hard to have the contact ? Also If I make any contact with her even to ask how she is I feel I will ruin her life now, shes got married and started having a family ? (something that I could never give her) But I still care and miss her. Ive been married 23 years now and alot of the love I feel for my wife has gone now.I feel weve stayed together more for the children. Please help what do I do with these feelings ???
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): You have invested 23 years of marriage to your wife, with who you have made a family. But you ask ask do you still care for this other woman after 8 years of no contact? I think you may be infatuated and that's it. Look it....Twenty three years of commitment, family, kids and marriage (long-term, solidarity, committment) vs approx 8 times of cuddling and kissing with this other woman. I would say yuour marriage has more substance doesn't it, in spite of the challenges. Now you need to know, what do you do, whom do you choose? Instead of shoosing someone, I will say that you should choose to do something, that you will admire yourself for, in the future. You need to really use your conscience into your decision making process, here. I am always amazed at how some people 'squash' that conscience, using terms like 'my happiness, my wants, my needs'. Let's look at this: the potential of having relationship with the other lady is new, fresh, alive. But do you see yourself happier when the excitement wanes in about a few years and it all mellows into mundane of everyday life? I guess I need to know, what you will be sacrificing for one's somewhat ' narrow' ' definition of happiness, here. The potential of having excitement, likely great sex, kissing, cuddling does not define 'love' in my books. Lust, overwhelming infatuation but certainly...not love. Real love grows over the years and it's there through all the happy times, sad times, boring times, the challenges, the tough times...of building a long, content life together. Love will be there when you are old and frail. You married a woman who probably loves you and she likely made a promise of fidelity to you. Don't make a decision to throw away a marriage and a family, all because you want to get some 'excitement' back into your mundane life. I strongly suggest marriage counseling here, because you and your wife have drifted and you sir, are ripe for an affair. If you go for this other woman, stand to devastate two marriages, upend the lives of innocent children and she does, as well. And look ahead, to when you are divorced and likely broke from paying lawyers off, and dividing all your assests. What will you have? A soulmate? I don't know about that but you will have a woman with you, who didn't have the foresight, the common sense and the exemplary character, to leave another woman's husband alone. Her marriage is in the crapper, so it yours. She's lonely and needy right now and so are you. And both of you don't want to put in the efforts to making those marriages work. I say, buckle down and give these marriages a chance. You have the happiness of your own children depending on you. Divorce is HELL, my friend and even worse when infidelity is involved. Look at the future, down the road and think hard before making your choice. Get you and your wife into marriage counseling today....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): What the other poster said was good food for thought. When there's been unresolved issues and hurt feelings without any effort to make amends, then the marriage becomes loveless. It doesn't have to be that way!Many times people fall in love with someone because everything is new. But say you lived with her and then reality hits, you're faced with life problems, and if you haven't learned to solve them before, hurt and hard feelings will begin again. The cycle gets repeated until your souls learns the lesson to solve issues with love and forgiveness to move on. When a couple knows how to do this, then I hear "I love her more now, than when we married"
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A
female
reader, Auntie Stoned  +, writes (2 February 2009):
you already knew the answer why still hold the torch for her?
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (2 February 2009):
 It is a heart rendering story - would make a good film!
I'm sure you could start up a relationship but who knows if it would last or not you may infact have regrets once you are living in a total chaos and your children and other family members are upset and the dream of you both together is probably much better than the reality.
On paper it sounds ideal that you get together and live happily ever after but you are always going to have the baggage (so to speak) of your former lives to deal with from then on.
You sound like you are soulmates but you have both been married a while now, you in particular and the spark has gone from your marriage and hers or she wouldn't have contacted you again.
If you did meet up i am sure you could both kiss goodbye to your marriages so you need to think long and hard and also consider the knock on effect from your broken relationships which affects any number of people children, grandparents and friends.
I'm not saying stay in a loveless marriage neither of you but make sure it is totally dead in the water beforehand and if there is any possibility that it can be saved and spiced up a little give it a try first because it seems your soulmate will always be there and a little while longer won't hurt.
Good luck whatever you decide x
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