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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok, so I have insecurity problems and feel embarassed and angry at myself because I feel I'm not "normal". I am one of those girls that feels really jealous, insecure, threatened, etc., about porn. I know it's my problem. But I just haven't been able to get over it, as much as I've tried thinking it's normal, it means nothing, it just hasn't worked.I have small breasts, cellulite, huge thighs that just won't go down (I'm slim and healthy, except my thighs are huge), stretch marks, a tiny bit of a belly, and well a normal face (not disgusting, but not stunning either) and bad hair.I understand my boyfriend's with me for so many things other than my looks (obviously), and that of course being wih me doesn't mean he's dead or blind. He watched porn for years before I came along, so it was obvious that he wouldn't stop. He says he likes the things I do to him, he says I've improved my skills a lot (I was a virgin). But the thing is I can't stand thinking about him masturbating to these perfect looking women. We've talked about this, and he's the blunt type. He said "Well, of course porn actors and especially actresses are hotter than average". Of course this was the gentle way of telling me they're hotter than me, since well, I'm pretty average!He says it's the same as women wanting big dicks, except I don't want him to have a big dick, nor do I fantasize about big dicks! I've watched porn, alone, and it did absolutely nothing for me (btw, those big dicks looked disgusting with all those veins popping out, ugh). Plus he's average sized and he does the job just fine, and he can even be "too big" for some positions so I can't complain! Plus I think he's pretty hot and attractive.Anyway, I've also watched porn with him, but I felt even more insecure seeing him get turned on while watching other women. Also when we're watching a movie in which attractive women get naked, I always start wondering if he gets a hard on with those scenes, etc.It's sick! I don't like feeling like I have OCD, I feel sick! Like I'm broken or something, like they forgot to install my "security-in-self" chip! It's just, these women are more attractive and if he had the chance to have sex with them, I guess he would and he probably fantasizes about having sex with their perfect bodies, which I can't provide. I wish I could give him that sensual pleasure, that visual and tactile pleasure... I'm sure he'd love fondling big breasts, since mine are so damn small! It makes me so sad to know he wishes he could have sex with someone like that, like I'm not good enough, sexually. I'm good enough, and probably better than them in other areas, like affection, conversation, companionship, making him laugh, etc., etc., but sex is really important to me too. I love him so much and wish I could give him all! But I feel I can't...Please don't say "if he wanted them, he'd be with them!" since we have no porn stars or really attractive strippers in my town (it's a really small town, no plastic surgeons either). I guess if he got turned on or masturbated over average women I would feel better, but he masturbates over perfection. I fell like well, I'm just what's available and if he could make me more attractive, he would, since he fantasizes about having sex with these women. How on Earth can I get over it? I've tried most of the stuff I've read here: repeating to myself non stop that it's meaningless, that he watches it for the acts, I even watched it with him but ended up feeling worse! What can I do? Am I nuts? Am I mentally ill? I feel this is not normal, normal women don't get upset over this! Help me please! I know people here are very wise... advice from women who've gotten over this is especially welcome! Tough love if necessary... please... I need to stop being so foolish!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 January 2010):
 Had some further ideas, as an attempt to explain why some people enjoy pornography.
Sex with the partner you love is very different to an orgasm by yourself using pornography. One is a true expression of love, it involves care and an ability to give and take. It's as different as a hamburger is from a expensive meal at a restaurant.
Ms anonymous below has tried to explain it very well to you. Pornography is a very quick form of stress relief, it's over and done in minutes, it's just about raw sex, no higher emotions involved. Quick to arouse you, quick to make you orgasm, and just as quickly forgotten.
The forbidden angel... since pornography doesn't turn you on, how about you try some sexy and wild. Leave your knickers off when you go to work, or maybe go and masturbate in the toilet at work, or masturbate your partner in the back of the cinema. What I'm trying to do here is to make you feel the raw sexuality that many people feel when they look at pornography. None of the finer feelings, just raw sex.... Try one of my suggestions, see how you feel afterwards...
Or if you've already tried one of these situations and enjoyed it, then how did it make you feel? Slightly wicked, very sexual, in danger, hot? .... Slightly different from pornography though, because it's real and not fantasy, but the raw desire should be about the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): The purpose of porn is to allow men/women a fantasy world where they can get lost for a few minutes and release some of that pent up energy, enjoy a stress-free autoerotic experience, and a little surge of endorphins in the bloodstream. The people having sex provide visual stimulation to get you aroused and build up to an orgasm, but it is ultimately autoeroticism, self-stimualation, and like all acts of masturbation- a body function which, like an energy drink, clears your mind and energizes you. He is not making love to them. He is making love to you every night isn't he...and unfortunately it is you who is allowing this to materialize in some form in your reality the moment you begin viewing them as a standard you have to measure up to. Your boyfriend doesn't. If you let this burden you like this, he will instinctively feel you agony...which will smother him...and eventually your relationship. You have to learn to allow men (people in general) their fantasy world, because they know how to differentiate reality from fantasy...and they are aware that no fantasy can replace the girl they love and hold every night. To doubt that would mean to distrust your partner and relationship. So, believe me, you are agonizing needlessly!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Well, I'm sorry Q, but as the OP I don't think this is the appropriate place to rant about that... I for one am not demeaning men as wankers, nor am I a 50 something with a plastic penis collection that could make Hugh Hefner blush!I understand some women are huge hypocrites, but I don't think I qualify. Therefore, I wouldn't like that type of ranting in my thread.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Well, I don't have a vibrator, and don't think I ever will. For one I need my clit stimulated, otherwise I get nowhere. Second, I've heard that vibrators desensitize the nerves, making it harder to orgasm by natural stimulation, to the extent that some women can only orgasm from a vibrator...and why sacrifice my ability to orgasm by hand (literally)? Third, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but I kind of find having sex with a plastic penis a bit sad... I still prefer my hand, don't know why though.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 January 2010):
Original poster.. as I said, "don't ask, don't tell" may be a good way for you to get over this. Tell your guy how much it disgust you, and then ask him to find away of following his porn "hobby", in a way that doesn't expose you to it. He can start by deleting his history if he's on the computer. Having a separate account which you can't access would be a good way to keep it away from you. Magazines, video's could be kept in a locked box or car. Since he can't use pornography around you, it would have to be kept for times when you are not at home. He (like many men do) can go and hang out with his men friends when he wants to look at such stuff.
Many men hate when women say they can NEVER, look at pornography, but saying not to leave it around where you can see is something they can deal with, especially when they know how much it disgusts you. As I said, many men are sensitiveness about this issue. They know that it offends some women, and are perfectly able to negotiate a compromise which will make you both happy.
Please remember.. pornography is no threat to you. It doesn't make him love you less, he finds you beautiful otherwise he would leave you and be with someone else. It's just a hobby he has, something that helps him relax, a little bit of fantasy, no different than how some women like reading romantic books or watching romantic movies. We may like prince charming in the books and movies, but when the film or book is over, it's our normal sexy guy at home that we want to hug and kiss.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): @Celia: when I watched it with him, I admit I was a bit nervous. I was open to it though. It just didn't do a thing for me. It never has. I guess I'm just not that visual. And seeing him get turned on made me feel a bit more insecure. I prefer he keeps doing it alone, and if he wants to try something new, then he can explain it to me, without me having to watch it.@Anon female: while I appreciate your input, I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I love him, and while I may find the rare guy who doesn't use porn, well, what happens if we aren't compatible in any other way? It's too much of a risk. Because if I don't find a guy that doesn't watch porn, then I'll have to go out with another guy who does it, and maybe even that guy won't be as good as my boyfriend. Also because I like guys who're just a bit older than me, and well yes, most of them did grow with the net. So I'm guessing 99% of guys my age or close to my age watch porn. I guess I'd have more luck finding an older guy that doesn't watch porn, but I wouldn't like dating a guy that was well, much older (like 10 years), that's just not my taste. I guess what I'm saying is, yes, it'd be ideal if he didn't like porn, but sadly he does, and well, I love him more than that so I'm willing to try and change and be more accepting so that we can both keep our otherwise happy relationship. But I do appreciate your points.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Although you have been givn some goo advice, the aunts in here who say porn is normal or harmless are deluding themselves,. Please
remember that most posters here were born on the age of the Internet . In this age porn is available anywhere and everwhere and there has been acceptance as no other way is known. But there is another way, a way of respect and care for womens feelings. Sure porn was available but it was nothing like the hard core degrading stuff on the net.
You are not wrong in your thinking at all, you are obviously an intelligent young women who is questioning the fairness and ethics of porn. It makes you feel bad, there's a reason for that which goes way beyond self esteem,
please don't pander to the general porn society which tries to make women feel uncool if they don't like porn.
There are men who arn't into it. And if not, well he'll, who needs a man anyway if they can't respect you And your feelings. Be a strong woman and stand up for what you believe in, this is where self esteem comes from.
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A
female
reader, lovemyman  +, writes (22 January 2010):
This may not be much help. But I don't think you really have a problem. Your man is watching porn, so maybe he does fantasize about those so called 'perfect' looking women. But you gotta think. It's much better than your man cheating on you, or trying to make his dreams come true. And he is a man, but at the end of the day he can go to those perfect woman for comfort. He can't talk to them. They won't be there for him, like you will. Your better then these women, and most likely they are only doing porns to get a paycheck. I mean I know its not the same but don't tell me you don't imagine things. You never imagine going out with Johnny Depp or someone i dont know. We all fantasize and have imaginations that run wild. Guys do to even if they are sexual. I would say if your really uncomfortable with it, ask him not to tell you or share it with you. Ask him not to talk about it, you know he does it, he know he does it, but that shouldnt make you feel insecure.
And another thing, don't ever compare yourself to other females. No one is perfect. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it seems you got a good man there who is a horndog like every other man. lol. So maybe its just one of his flaws, but talk to him about it. Obviously you can't stop it. And you know most guys get their sex ideas from porn anyway. lol. But don't feel bad about it. One day you may laugh at the comment you made about him watching porn. Your future husband is going to watch porn. I would scare if a man didnt. I think everything will be okay
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 January 2010):
Bharat Mehta can you please write a longer article about sexual pleasure done in a more spiritual way. It would be a great help to many couples in developing sexual intimacy in a more satisfying way. I study tantric, and the emphasis in society on just quick, unsatisfying sex is really sad. Bang, bang, and that's it, pity when there are so many millions of things, that pity miss.
The Karma Sutra, the Chinese pillow books, they have pages and pages on sexual joys like kissing, touching and stroking. Most people don't even know that there are a hundred ways to kiss, and they each kissing technique has it's own name.
Your right, most visual pornography is very, very bad, and sexy erotic stories are much more of a turn on, because they involve emotions and not just bad techniques.
TO THE ORIGINAL POSTER....
You may hate the current type of visual pornography because most of it is bad, and not flattering or kind to women. The older stuff from the 1970's and before is better, because they at least tried to put in some storyline and plot, and involved "real" women and men, and were less extreme. It's hard to believe now, but there are various types of pornography throughout history that can be seen as art.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 'HUSBAND WATCHING PORN'...is very big problem in wife's mind. I am writing here my personal feeling. Some 20 years before I heard first time that there is something 'blue-film' which display intercourse quite openly. I feel this hearing very exciting. When time came, I found myself watching blue-film. But, my all excitement go down to minus degree, when I see the type of intercourse this films are showing is not at all romantic. I feel better when I read it in novel. I feel better when I see its display in some art film. I feel wonder about this porn films, and their totally illogical presentation of sex; how people found it even pleasurable? When I read about male, who got erection and do masturbation while they watch...I cannot understand such type of 'feeling?'
I remember one philosopher's saying: That humanity after religious culture has totally loss its grasps on 'REASONING MIND'
I FEEL I SHOULD WRITE ARTICLES, THEN TO ANSWER INDIVIDUAL QUESTION.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 These women on porn are not perfect either - at least that is what my ex's work mates said when full HD and digital TV came out over here. They suddenly noticed with the better clarity that these women had cellulite, shaving bumps, skin blemishes and the like.
Amazing what some camera work, lenses, probably body makeup, and quality of the viewing platform can do. You are comparing yourself against something that is not even a true reflection of real life bodies.
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A
female
reader, annon28 +, writes (22 January 2010):
I was 30 maried for 2 years and caught my usband looking at porn, he was devastated, he said he would never go there again, then 4 years later I caugh him with videos, again degvastated, then two years later internet site. We got over all of that and have 2 lovely girls age 27 and 19 but 3 weeks ago I found out he had been seeing prostitutes for 11 years, every week and over the past 14 months met one he was 'in love' with and travelled 110 miles round trip twice a week to see her and pay her £110 per time - most of the time I cant make my mortgage and I struggle, I am not sure but I would be very vareful as since 3 weeks ago my husband has confessed every detail and said that it was the books, the films, the internet that led to the parlours, I dont know where my marriage is going I am sick to my stompach at the moment and still very much in shock, but PLEASE be careful who you give your love to, although in saying that I have been under the illusion I had the perfect marriage, all my friends and family were envious of our beautiful relationship, little did they know he had two lives - good luck I hope you find the answer but most of all I hope you find peace.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Thank you all girls, that was exactly the type of advice I needed :) It made me put things in perspective. Hopefully, I'll be able to get over it soon enough.
Again, thanks!
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A
female
reader, Miss King ! +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Right... to begin with you are normal, of course you are, don't be so silly!!!!!!!
EVERY woman compares their body to others, and unless you are 100000% happy with your body you are likely to have things that you believe you're lacking.
My boyfriend is the same, however he only looks at pornography when im not around, he would definitely rather have me than look at than a pornstar. The fact is, men and boys experiment with porn, from a young age they look at it and start to understand their bodies and how they react to images of women sex etc. It used to really bother me too, and I told my boyfriend I didnt like it, I said to him that it makes me feel insecure and depressed about my body. Then I realised that I was being totally over the top. At the end of the day you have to remember that porn stars are disgusting dirty sluts! They parade their bodies around the net and personally I can't think of anything worse ! Men see this too. You're his lovely girlfriend who he feels comfortable with, and who he gets turned on by.
These insecurities will make you sad depressed and even more insecure. One of the biggest turn ons for men is a woman who is totally comfortable in her own skin. Confident, sexy, and self assured. Show him that you are happy as you are, rid yourself of the worries that he fancies porn stars and show him that he's lucky to be with you. everyone comes in different shapes and sizes, don't change yourself, embrace your body and stop punishing yourself! You deserve to be happy, and feel comfortable.
Even though my view is that pornography is normal, I would say that if your boyfriend looks at porn when you're there or when you two could be spending time together then that has to stop. Dont keep telling him that it makes you sad, but just tell him that when he's with you he's WITH YOU. if he needs to watch porn when you're around HE has a problem - not you. if this isnt the case then thats good, just flaunt it and show him you're not a porn star and your glad of it!!! hope this helps. Good luck hun! xx
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A
female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (22 January 2010):
Eventhough you said not to say it, it's so true! If he really wanted a pornstar for a girlfriend, he would and could find one, even if you live in a small town. He would find a way if that's what he really wanted.
I get insecure over my boyfriend watching porn, or even staring at the perfect girls in his video games. The only thing that helps me get over it is knowing he doesn't think about it as much as I think he does! Honestly, his roomate was talking about a pornstar he liked by name, and my boyfriend said "Seriously? You know her name?" its no big deal for guys when they watch porn. They watch it, get off, then they're done. Most of the time it's just out of boredom.
I think you're over analyzing it and need to get your self-esteem up! Don't be so hard on yourself, and don't think he's only doing it because he doesn't think you're adequate or not hot enough. For some people, visual stimulation is the only way they can masturbate. Hell, I'm a girl, and unless I have my boyfriend, I can only orgasm to something visual like porn.
You're not alone, and you're not crazy for thinking like this. Does your boyfriend ever reassure you that its nothing to him? Maybe you need to bring up how you feel to him and see what he says.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 January 2010):
Damn.. so sorry babes, I'm one of them women who has no problems with pornography. I've found it very useful in helping women develop their sexuality, open their minds and get over past issues of abuse. I am thankful to many of the people working in the sex industry that has helped women and men to have better sex.
For women who don't like pornography, I suggest a policy of "don't ask and don't tell". You have tried to understand and it still upsets you. You want to be the most beautiful women in the world to him, the most perfect being ever, and you sad because this is not possible. This feeling is felt by many women (and some men) To some people, love and sex go together, and they feel that their partner is being unfaithful when they have desires for other people.
The things you say... "I guess if he got turned on or masturbated over average women I would feel better, but he masturbates over perfection.".... well, we have posts from women who are upset because their partners look at porn with "average" women, they feel that they are being compared with someone who is real. We have posts from women whose partners look at fat women, old women, shemales... the list goes on.. everytime, they believe if their partners looked at different types of pornography they could cope with it better....
Look at your description of yourself... "I have small breasts, cellulite, huge thighs that just won't go down (I'm slim and healthy, except my thighs are huge), stretch marks, a tiny bit of a belly, and well a normal face (not disgusting, but not stunning either) and bad hair." ... you've not said one positive thing about yourself. You don't think you have any physically beauty at all. This is a form of self-hate, and if you hate yourself, then your partner must hate you and find you ugly too. Your self-image is poor, men don't think like this, your partner finds you stunning, but you will never believe this, even if he throws the porn away.
It's your age, I felt the same at your age, getting older gives you more confidence about yourself, and you bloody get too old to care, and everything starts to sag or drop off anyway.
"It's just, these women are more attractive and if he had the chance to have sex with them, I guess he would and he probably fantasizes about having sex with their perfect bodies, which I can't provide."
As a woman who has enjoyed looking at pornography, I can tell you that it doesn't work like that. People who look at pornography aren't unfaithful cheats, they don't want to run away with a "physically altered, computer enhanced, perfect dollybird/studmuffin"... a lot of the time it's not the person that turns them on, but the actual forbiddeness of watching other people having sex. Same with when he's having sex with you. Do you fantasise about other people in the bedroom, or are you so caught up in sensations and excitement that you just like the feeling of what he dose to you. He's probably the same way. When your together, he's touching you, he's smelling you, it's you and him having fun together, no third person need to be involved.
Pornography is like ice-cream. Some people like it, some hate it, some people find it uninteresting and prefer cheese instead. Your not wrong for not liking it, but finding it threatening.... mmmm.. is ice-cream threatening. Is the "perfect blown up doll" in the video or magazine gonna come to your town and steal your man away?
Have a talk with him, be as honest and open as you have been here today. Many men can be sensitive about this issue and if they find out their women partners are so distressed can easily give it up. You don't like it, and you want it out of your life. Tell him to remove it from your sight, so you don't have to see or think about it. This I feel is a fair compromise. Tell him to make his porn "habit" disappear and then forget about it, it's no longer there.
It maybe however, this is not enough for you. He may not be able to give up, you may not be able to stop thinking about it. This is important to you, and it might be the case that this guy is not right for you, and there is someone out there who may have "habits" that suit you better... Good luck, go talk to him honestly about how distressed, inadequate and sad you feel.
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