A
female
age
41-50,
*wampgreen
writes:I broke up with my partner of five years (living together three of those) in August because of a whole bunch of reasons. I'm an artist and was attending Tafe while starting my own business (had grant) but things got tough over winter and he had to support me for a while. He said it was fine, but acted like it wasn't. When I couldn't stay away from him, it felt like things weren't finished, we did the ex-sex thing... eventually I found out that a friend of his had been bad mouthing me and asked if he could have a word with him. He said he would.Turns out he didn't because a month later this friend was still badmouthing me, this time to my new flatmate. I asked the ex why he hadn't talked to him and he said:"It's not that I believe a word of what he's saying, I just don't feel like talking to him about it when the response will be so arrogant and unmovable."Long confusing story short, after all this, I said that I didn't feel comfortable still being with him but not being WITH him, because I love him and I just keep getting hurt. He said "I care for you, I really do... but it's ... half a job, or something. So hard to fix something when it's been broken so badly.And you care for me too, but I can see pretty clearly that you also hate me and there'll always be a mis-trust between us. "I've never said I hate him, only that I love him, but my god I think I am starting to. He's playing with me, I know it, but WHY CAN'T I LET GO?[mod note: kept poster's original title]
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female
reader, swampgreen +, writes (25 January 2010):
swampgreen is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I definitely don't hate him, but he does frustrate me.
Why is what his friend said an issue? Because his friend used to be my friend, but since the breakup he and a few others have not talked to me. This was the fifth time that someone had told me he was calling me a junky (so not) and a bitch and I'm sick of it. I asked him to stop but he said he wouldn't talk to me, only the ex. So I asked him to talk to him, he said he would, but he didn't. That hurt so yeah, it became an issue.
I'm sick of waiting, how do I know if it's worth it? He doesn't love me enough to ask me to stay, so why waste more time?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): From what you say, he sounds right. You are so caught up in hurt and feeling vulnerable to him that he feels you hate him....
You don't - since you say you love him.. but that is how he is seeing it.
What does it matter what people say - his friend bad mouthing you.. Let him. What can you do about that? And why expect him to? The best way to deal with such people is to ignore them and laugh! How do you make this an issue in your relationship?
So take some alone time (a month even), let him know that you are seriously thinking about what he said and then sort out what you want... If you are sure and he is sure that you are now exes, then move on. If not, come back stronger and deal with the relationship.
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