A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I wrote before about thinking my wife could be cheating on me with my son's coach. It is just driving me crazy. He isn't the coach anymore, but yet he finds reasons to call her still. They were on the phone for an hour the other night and then tonight at a game he was there and again he won't talk to her when I am around. It is so odd that he texts her and calls- when they went to tournaments together she even told me they would drink together- but he pretends he doesn't know her when i am around. I think it is a tell tale sign-- again, you may need to read my older post to understand the situation, but i seriously just want to punch the gut every time i see him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Purely platonic? I think not. It sound to me like the coach has an obvious crush on your wife, and from reading your older post, you have been giving your wife grief as a result of your alcoholism. She is probably a good person and wouldn't want to cheat on you, but maybe the built up resentment and excitement from coach's attention is driving her closer to it. I hate to say it, but they probably already have moved onto that kind of relationship. You said they would drink together at tournaments-- did he have a hotel room that was available? I hate to say it, but you need to do some heavy swooning to get her back- I say get her back because you lost her before she even met coach if she has been living a life with you as an alcoholic. Obviously, I am writing from a similar experience.. I was the wife who would never have done that, but years of verbal and emotional abuse brought me closer to a male friend and it did lead to a sexual relationship. It was a splendid distraction from the hellish life I was living. Once I was emotionally strong enough to move on, I divorced my husband- not for the other man because that was short lived, but the affair gave me strenght to move forward. I am happy and single now. Your wife may be experiencing the same thing
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): HI, i have read your posts and have this to say. Although advice was given that perhaps it may be purely platonic ONLY YOU know what is really going on, so please TRUST your instinct. I almost rarely lets a person down. i would not blame this single guy to much,, YOU WIFE is the potential betrayer so you need to deal with her. TELL HER that you are going to investigate and TELL her you have spoken to a few people as well. Basically get her to start doing some more talking. Mention times/dates/people and so forth. Yes for a while just fib and hopefully she will confess. Shoe her that you have applied your mind to this. Also check the cell bill and emails.whatever happens, don't just take her word for the just friends nonsense. Act and act fast and then if she is /was cheating kick her sorry ass out of your life.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 I know you have written a few times about the coach and I understand how upset and frustrated you are over this. It has been going on a while and you are getting more upset by this in every post. I have read all your posts and I do think there is something going on. The ex coach is shifty and your wife appears to actively encourage him. The fact that he ignores you and your wife when you see him although you know they chat and text is a bit of a giveaway. I think you are being made a fool of here and it is time to draw a line under it. Your wife is enjoying the flirting and attention she is getting from this other man. I think you need to put your foot down. It is not you being controlling it is just unacceptable behaviour when you are married to someone. Nobody would like it. Your wife must know this but still continues to chat and text away when she knows how you feel. It is ultimatum time my friend.
Recently I have been in a similar situation and eventually I had to call time on it. My head was doing somersaults and I started to get a little crazy. When I sat back and thought how dare they do this to me then I became calmer. I gave an ultimatum. I didn't get the response I wanted but now i know and I am happier as I am no longer being used or being made a fool of. With your wife she is having her cake and eating it. Her behaviour is detrimental and disrespectful to your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Risingfromashes +, writes (22 January 2010):
I'm very sorry but I think she is considering it, hasn't necissarily done anything yet. Hopefully you can nip it in the bud. Just don't come off as brig offensive or even overly defensive! It's a fine balance. Be honest that it just isn't normal and even if it were, it's something that is taking away from your relationship. You need to be able to respect each other for it to work, she needs to respect you. If you're there when he is make sure you show her as much or more attention. If she's acting cold when you try that then she really needs to make it clear what exactly she thinks she's doing! Maybe introduce yourself to the guy as her husband (again even) with confidence and a smile even say "so youre the guy shes been talking to huh?!" Act as if you know all about it and are in control. Make him tuck his teeny weiny tail between his sticks without lookong like the jealous bad guy that you really arent. Ask her what they talk about and that you want to be the one to listen, the one she turns to. Seduce her like you did in the start! Suprise her but do it while still requesting that she compromises with you on this, otherwise the relationship needs to be taken into consideration and what you're both willing to do for it and each other. Please read my question, no one's answered it yet about if I should be still talking to my confused soon-to-be-ex husband! Even if you don't know what to say! Also I would appreciate a man's opinion for this one! The e-silence is killing me! Thank you and I really do hope that things work out for you. Take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Yup. Big red flag. And she knows it. If you confront her about it she will say it's just a harmless friendship which at this point it is but I agree there is at least emotional cheating going on. Flirting, etc...
Don't ask you wife anything. Just be different. Be spontaneous. Leave her a card in the morning when she wakes up. Send her flowers, etc...
You know how to win her over. You've already done it. Pretend you need to do it again because you might very well have too.
This might put a stop to it but if it doesn't, then confront her and tell her. Not mad or accusing but tell her you notice how he is when you are around.
And being a man yourself just his body language speaks volumes.
If she loves you she should understand. She might be hesitant to do something about it because she is enjoying the "harmless" attention.
If that's the case ask her how she would feel the other way around.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Hey, instead of eating your insides, react like the human animal that you are. Your instincts are correct. At the very least your wife is provoking you/testing you. You have to tell the other guy off in her face and see what that reveals about how she feels about this guy. If she defends him you have work to do. If you want to keep your wife fight for her against the upstart.
The other guy ignores you because he knows how ferocious a threatened male can react. Do you watch the nature shows? It's all about dominance and I have to say that a husband turning a blind eye to his wife's lover is a no-no. At the very least use your jealousy as an excuse to stop this threatening behavior and speak to your wife about it telling her to cease and desist. Stop being the cool-headed Mr. Spock and react like Capt. Kirk, Captain.
This is what happens when we neglect the important people in our lives. You dealt with your problems with the bottle and now you have created this mess.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Yup. Big red flag. They are having an emotional affair at the very least. And hopefully that's all. Your wife is obviously attracted to him; maybe he's more talkative, or funny. She is telling herself it's nothing more than a "harmless" little friendship, but trust me it's heading in a bad direction and will end up going too far unless one of them puts on the breaks. It's nice that he doesn't rub your nose in it but that doesn't mean much in my opinion. Don't fall for the old "we're just friends"...been there, done that and I can tell you it always leads to more. Talk to your wife. Find out what's missing. Maybe you need to be more attentive to her. Maybe flirt more; be unexpected, unpredictable.Sometimes it just takes a few subtle changes to make you seem more interesting than him.
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