A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:We were together 15 months. We practically lived together for six months. We were good together, really understood each other, but our timing was off (he's younger and not sure of what he wants in life). I broke up with him because of his indecision (I still want to be with him now). We were both hurt and one week after the breakup were our first unkind words. It's been no contact now for one week. How often do people get back together after something like this? Might he contact me? I don't want to chase him if he's decided he really isn't ready for the kind of commitment I'm wanting.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 January 2012):
 IT's only been a week of NC... wait a few more weeks and the longing will start to pass... sounds like you guys were just not well matched in terms of what you wanted for a relationship.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 January 2012):
OP, a lot of the issues you have with this guy are due to his age. It is perfectly normal for a male in his early to mid 20's to want to "play the field" and not commit to a single woman. Now, there are guys that age who will commit. Sometimes they truly want to and it works out, and other times they second guess themselves later because at the time they commit they weren't really done maturing. Either way, this guy is not that type - he won't commit because he's honest with himself. He knows he's not ready. Believe me, you do not want to pressure him to commit. That's a recipe for disaster.
My advice in this situation is to let this guy go and take some time off dating to recenter yourself. Focus on you and what makes you happy. Rediscover activities you've missed, things you used to do when you were single, and reconnect with friends. When you're up to reentering the dating pool you'll know.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 January 2012):
 He most likely will not come around to your way of thinking and your desire for a commitment.
Just let it all go - COMPLETELY. Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? Pick yourself up, hold your head high, and reckon that he's freed you up to eventually meet someone more suitable, that's my advice.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (18 January 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the question You're all right. I wanted a level of commitment he's just ready to give (he may never be). I just can't spend my life wondering when he will no longer be able to restrain himself & give in to any infidelity. He was open about his porn use, social fetish sites & dating sims (1 that would sext him). But I just can't compete with any other woman, real or virtual. And if he can't give me that whole hearted commitment as his one & only, then we couldn't be together. I guess I was just hoping, but reason needs to trump wishful thinking. :'(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): "He got mad when I told him he needed to mature & really think things out because I wouldn't settle for being a second choice. So he ended the last communication pretty ugly (he's hurting, but I hurt too). Will HE come around?"
sounds like you were pushing him to be someone he isn't ready to be. I say it's good that you broke up with him and that I think you should stay broken up. yes it hurts but that's normal, just let your mind and heart hurt for a bit and the pain eventually will lessen. don't go reacting to the initial pain of a breakup by trying to reinstate the previous situation which is what led to the break up to begin with. Just tolerate the pain, sit tight and do nothing about it. eventually it will fade.
however if you want to get back together with him, you shouldn't be asking if HE will come around to suit your wishes, but if YOU will come around to suit his. it's always easier to change yourself and your way of thinking than to change another person. that doesn't mean it's easy or even possible to change yourself and what you want and need. but however hard it is, it's still more in your control than getting someone else to change themselves for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2012):
 Based on your past posts on the subject, personally I think that no, he won't come back. Also, if you had to " chase " him for a year, it shows he was not that enthusiastic to stay to begin with. But obviously I could be wrong.
Only, as PerhapsNot remarks, what do you expect to resolve if he comes back ? He'd still be young and unwilling to commit , and you'd still be wanting a committment.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (18 January 2012):
bardia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI slept @ his place Thursday through Sunday nights. I only ever brought my belongings. The only thing of mine that stayed permanently was a toothbrush. Several months ago he actually encouraged me to bring clothes to leave there.
I guess my main concern is this-I broke it off because he couldn't commit (we discussed it several times over the year). He got mad when I told him he needed to mature & really think things out because I wouldn't settle for being a second choice. So he ended the last communication pretty ugly (he's hurting, but I hurt too). Will HE come around? I chased him for a year. Maybe I'm not worth enough to him for him to pursue me for a change.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 January 2012):
 He may contact you, he may not. In the end, it doesn't matter if he contacts you, or vice versa because it doesn't solve your problem. Unless he is on the same page with you, wants the same level of commitment and backs it up with actions, it doesn't matter if he calls, if he says he loves you, or if you guys get back together.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 January 2012):
Why don't you sit down with him and ask him what he wants out of his life? Unless you have already done so.
Really, though, you were together for just nine months before moving in together. That's rather soon to be taking such a big step. It takes at least a year and more to really begin to get to know another person, and see how compatible you both are (or aren't).
Whose idea was it to move in together? Did he come to your home or you to his? I wonder if he might not have felt pressured and had some misgivings at living together but agreed to it anyway. Wait - you say "we practically lived together." What does that mean? That you spent almost every day of the week in one another's homes but without transferring all your belongings there??
Anyway, even if you were to get back together it would only work out IF he had been able to resolve his self-questioning as to where he wants to "go" in life.
It has only been a week, so you might want to see if he eventually gets in touch with you. He may at the moment be mulling things over, and this isn't something that can be rushed. If you haven't heard from him in, say, a month, THEN you could phone him and see what's what.
Taking it slowly and being patient won't do any harm: if it's going to work out, it will, if not, it won't.......Good luck!
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