A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can I get the opinions of guys out there - how often do you have problems with not being able to "get it up"?The other night a guy I have just started dating and I tried to have sex for the first time. He's about 27. We were both very comfortable, we gave each other massages, took it slow etc., but when the time came he just wasn't hard. We tried for a while until I told him it was no biggie and that we could try again some other time. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't me, and that he wanted to, but that he was just nervous. He said that it happened to him a few times when he was younger, but that he had gotten over it until now.I'm not concerned at all and don't mind waiting till he feels less stressed about it, but I have to ask, is it REALLY not me? I mean, if there's a beautiful woman in front of you and she's ready to go and you want to...?Anyway I would appreciate some advice from men out there for what I can do next time (if it happens next time) so that this doesn't become any more an issue than it needs to. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): If a guy has anxiety about having sex, it will leave him limp. It could be a Victoria Secret model stroking his junk and that won't get him hard.If you really want him to get it hard without the anxiety, take the sex out of the experience. What you need to do is tease him from time to time without the thought of the teasing progressing to sex. Stroke his package through his pants from time to time, but then go no further. Suck on his limp penis a little, then put it away. He'll never know when you are really going for sex, and that will leave him confused.If he doesn't over think the sensations, he should get hard. If he equates the stroking and foreplay with a prelude to penetration, then he will get anxious and over think it making him limp.Another option is the ambush.. You jump his bones without the foreplay. Show up at his place unannounced. When he opens the door, unzip him and go down on him. That won't give him time to think.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Thanks for all the responses. I'm very, very happy to wait and give him the time he needs. Birdynumnums, I appreciate the response, but actually we didn't rush into anything at all. We didn't "jump into bed". It's something we're both happy to do. I don't agree that we need to love each other before we start experiencing each other sexually, but you are assuming we are not in love in the first place. I have known him for years.
Anyway, he's quite a cerebral guy, and I think he's just gotten caught up analysing things too much...
I'll try everyone's suggestions - thanks! :)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 If you have just started dating, and he is nervous, and you are now blaming yourself for not being hot enough, well, sex is entirely between the ears.
From the sound of your letter, you both rushed in to having sex far too quickly, and the intimacy between you, in your young relationship, was not yet strong enough to overcome his nerves or your questioning your own attractiveness. The cure is waiting a bit longer before jumping in to bed together. Let the relationship grow. I'm not surprised that he wasn't able to sustain an erection. Guys can have that problem from alcohol, nerves and performance anxiety, that's normal for every guy who is under pressure, perfectly normal!
Sex is great, but it's not the basis for a relationship and it's called making love because you should get to the part where you are in love first! Slow down and enjoy the ride, and the anticipation will only help! It might sound old-fashioned, but it's true...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): It happens, and it has nothing to do with how hot or willing she is.
I was on a first date years ago. She was a very, very attractive 19 year-old who had never dated, never been kissed. We'd shared a class in uni and got to know each other chatting after class and such. Toward the end of the term I invited her to a movie.
After the movie we ended up 'parking.' I leaned over to kiss her, and it was like the floodgates opened. Within less than half an hour she was practically naked, telling me she loved me, and would I make love to her. That seemed like coming on a bit strong to me (to put it mildly). It was many weeks before I was comfortable enough to get hard when we fooled around.
I'm not saying that's what's happening here. Just that his brain has to be 100% onside, or it ain't happening.
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A
male
reader, CanadianEagle +, writes (31 August 2009):
I think that your response was pretty much perfect. If he felt that he HAD to do it then it would actually make it worse. Emotion is a bug part if sex for us guys too. So it is possible he was just nervous. He might also have another hang up that needs to be adresses. The only way to find out would be to ask, without applying pressure.
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A
male
reader, Mikes  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 It really is not you! dont worry.
Its all down to nerves and things like pressure to perform well. Its often the case that the more attractive a girl is the more likely it is to happen! I expect it is simply that he thinks your so great and attractive and fun, and that if you dont find his sex good then it will all be ruined.It really is just pressure and nerves.
If it happens again react the same as last time, tell him its no big deal and its fine etc. If you show disapointment it could just make the situation worse.
Good Luck
O, and yes, a lot of men/boys have had it at some point. some of my freinds have asked me about their erection probs. Same thing thats happeneing to you.
It will all be fine in time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I dont think its you,
After that I dont have any advice except foreplay, lots and lots of foreplay. It could just be down to nerves on his part or he may need to get medical advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): You are probably very special to him and he's been building that moment up in his head way too much , so that when it came to happen the expectaion and pressure to perform and impress you becamen too high for him to meet. Don;t make a big deal of it and takes things slowly. The problem for him is that next time he'll be worrying about it happening again and putting himself under greater pressure - it becomes a vicous circle. Best thing is to do it spontaneously and surpise him rather than plan these events ( just make sure he's not drunk) , then there's no time to worry about it and its gets the first time out the way . From then on , you should be fine.
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A
male
reader, joe26  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 some man find very hard to keep it up esp when they're nervous. It's all mind thing, can happen onces in a while to any man out there. Try to take the things slow, next time creat a new atmosphere in the room and spice up then things will help. Don't worry, you both have to work lil more to fix it. Hope it helps
cheers
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): I can tell you, it REALLY isn't you. I'm a few years younger than him (only a few!) and haven't had a lot of sex, although I've always known I've got a rather huge drive for it.
I'm heathy, run, workout, in great shape (i.e. it's not physical). When pleasuring myself I can be literally solid as a rock for ages; however although I haven't had problems being unable to perform, I'm not quite as hard as I would like normally when I've had sex - and I know it's because I feel under pressure.
You need to help him to relax and let him know it's not a problem. If you make it a problem, all he will think about is his problem and it will never go away!
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