A
female
age
51-59,
*uvlorn
writes:SO, the 2 year on again,off again relationship I've been in is "on hold" for now... just when I decide I can take what he offers and wait on the rest to hopefully come in time, HE says (after some arguing when I pushed for more and he backed off and I chased harder) that he needs time and space...My brain says GIVE IT TO HIM, but my heart aches and misses him and whats to help him sort it out (i.e.: convince him of what he should decide) and I am just plain scared!Scared that the term "I need time" is a charade for letting me down easy and backing away slowly to an eventual end (although he has always been honest w/ me, won't say anything he doesn't mean and when he says something it's true... yet I doubt- ugh) He said it's just TIME, not a charade, if he wanted out he'd say goodbye. (so my asking if it was just an easy let down further irritated him,... what is WRONG w/ me???) I'm also scared that in the end he'll decide he doesn't want me, and I love this man...I have tried to leave over my unhappiness with what he cannot give, but can't seem to shake him- afterall we have spent years and gone thru so much. He is indeed who I want, (only nicer, LOL- MORE of him) *sigh*HOW do I give him space and time without going crazy w/ worry and missing him? I just don't know how to do this! For ME, it seems easier to know if it's going to be over or not, so I can either do the hard work of healing and moving fwd best I can (and then I canNOT have him coming back around again, OMG) OR know it will work out and find a way to relax and have faith and wait.The one redeeming thing (which he SCREAMED at me- ugh), was that when I asked if he even WANTED it to work out he yelled, "Am I talking to you now? I told you I need spaceand time and you're asking questions and trying to convince me. I wouldn't be talking to you or taking time if I didn't want it to work!!!"- so, despite the delivery I have some hope... but am I just being foolish?Ohhh I love him and want him to fix what's broken and choose on his own accord to continue w/ me, BUT I also know I need him to step up, commit, not waffle anymore if we do indeed go fwd. SO scary and hard, and I HURT!Help??? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): well i'm going through something similiar to what you are going thru only it's been about 6 months for me instead of 2 years. i broke it off with him last night thru a text message ( i know-how immature ) but we were on the phone back and forth and he was out with his buddies drinking. this was last night and i still haven't heard from him at all since i sent that which is now 5:30 pm the next day and i feel so low and hurt and rejected
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): well i'm going through something similiar to what you are going thru only it's been about 6 months for me instead of 2 years. i broke it off with him last night thru a text message ( i know-how immature ) but we were on the phone back and forth and he was out with his buddies drinking. this was last night and i still haven't heard from him at all since i sent that which is now 5:30 pm the next day and i feel so low and hurt and rejected
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 October 2007):
 You have described your relationship as "on and off". To me, that tells a lot more than any of his words. I'm afraid he has never been convinced that he wants to be with you. And now he asks for "space" and "time". As to "time", he's had two years already. "Space" actually means "stay away". And, of course, you can't expect to know how long "time" means, or how much distance "space" means, either.
In my opinion, he wants to dump you and doesn't want to take the bull by the horns saying it to you, to your face.
I understand why you were willing to accept whatever he gave you, hoping that the rest would come alone. I also understand your being needy and agonizing over the time. And, I also understand your wanting to know whether he will dump you or not, instead of having to wait. It is very clear that you're in deep pain and you love him very much.
Don't wait for him to make his mind up. Make YOUR mind up now. Is this what you really want? I'm sure you don't. You want a man who will love you like you love him, and who'll be with you, not someone who asks for "space" and "time". You deserve a hell of a lot more than whatever he wants to give you. If I were you, I would give him his time and space, but indefinitely. Give him all the time he needs from here to eternity, and all the space the world can offer. Forget about him, and don't let him come your way again.
I need to recognize that my answer is biased. I wonder how he can say that he needs "space" and "time". The decision is very clear: does he want to be with you, or not? If the answer is not an unequivocal "yes", to hell with him.
Maybe a 15 year old would not be mature enough to make his mind up. But, I assume this man is 36-40 years old. Gosh. Can he really say this?
Cheer up and find someone who will love you as you deserve.
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A
female
reader, luvlorn +, writes (7 October 2007):
luvlorn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBelieve me, cognitively I KNOW all this... but somehow cannot help myself, like picking at a scab... UGH, I am messed up- maybe even self-destructing to avoid HIM hurting me in the end? TRYING here to stay clear and allow him time and stay positive... just HARD... just want it sooo much. Gonnado my BEST. Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2007): Okay first of all, you are never ever going to "convince" him. So stop trying. He needs to decide for himself. You also need to stop pressuring him, because pressure only makes people take 3x longer to decide things. Honestly, your note comes across as very needy and insecure, and I think that what you said about doing the long hard work to heal yourself is exactly what you need to do. Stop looking to this guy to fullfill your needs and start fullfilling them for yourself. Stop obsessing about what he will or won't do... and start enjoying your own life. Focus less on what he doesn't give you, and more on what life has to offer - your friends, your family, your hobbies and passions. this will make you more independent, happier, more fun to be with... and will probably naturally draw him back to you. Get a book called "The Secret". That's a great place to start. It will get you focused on positive things, instead of all this focus on negative and what you don't have. Good luck darlin'!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): Your letter is full of the things that you are doing to push this man farther away.
I chase harder when he pulls away
I miss him terribly (NEEDINESS)
I have to CONVINCE him to feel differently and to commit
I have tried to leave over my unhappiness and worry he will decide he doesn't want me.
Men are not attracted to women who do all of the above. You have to maintain your sense of self, your sense of confidence and you have to have a passion about something or some things other than him for him to want to stay with you for life.
I think you should try not convincing him, but trusting that he feels the same as you do, and will chose to be with you. You can bring up the topic of a future during a time when neither of you are fighting, by saying what sort of goals you want to achieve and that having the right partner can change a person's life, hint around that the subject you are speaking of is the two of you, but make it seem general, more about what you want, and ask him what he wants. Men need to feel that you also care about what he wants, not that you just want to get married.
If he doesn't turn the corner and continues to ask for space and creates conflict to avoid being close to you, then give him what he asks for and dump him.
Men are like rubberbands I have been told,....they don't really chose to pull away, but need to when they feel that their intimacy needs have been taken care of by a woman, then they want to withdraw and protect themselves from the uncomfortableness of having deep feelings for a woman, and need to relax their brain by doing things they like to do which allows them to solve problems, and also to feel the strength of their passion for you....men will return with a higher threshhold for intimacy, if you let him pull away. If he does not get the chance to do so, he will start deciding it is YOU he needs to get away from and not deal with his own feelings that are his alone to deal with.
If you are unhappy, he will sense this and feel that you are blaming him for it. Try to have your own life, take care of yourself when he is not around, do things you enjoy and tell him about it....
That said, if he is really being a jerk, and you are tired of waiting you have every right to move on...it is your life after all, so really the only person that you can ever change is yourself, and that forces the other person to treat you differently because you are different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): After 2 years he should know what he wants and definatley be able to commit to you. I think you have given him far too much time. You deserve far better treatment. Ditch him and move on, change your number if ness so he cannot contact you. YOU DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN HOW HE IS TREATING YOU.Move on and you WILL find some one more worthy of your love and attention.Love Ju
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