A
female
age
51-59,
*uddle
writes:I have been with my Bf for 4 months, but we were best mates for 3 years. The 1st 2 months were perfect, we went on holiday together evry thing was great then Out of the blue a local girl announced the baby she has just had is his. DNA test been done, He has started seeing the baby, age 3 months, regularly but since he heard about baby said he was sticking with me and loves me.2 weeks ago he said he needed a break, too much on his plate an finished it with me. 2 days after that he turned up at my house saying he missed me. we ended up in bed and i said Im only doing this if Im still ur GF he said yes u are. He stayed the night 2 days later then no contact for 3 days, a text on saturday night to say he d been cying over a song of ours and he hadnt been in touch cos he needed space.Its been a week of no contact which i am finding hard as we were always in contact daily before, I know hes been thru alot but its 2 months since he first heard about the baby, he visits child every day an has admitted wondering whether he shld try an make it work with the mother, she was a one night stand they dont know each other very well.I feel hes messing me about abit, how long shld i leave it before contacting him, i dont know if i am his GF or not any more, which sounds a bit ridiculous. I was thinking of texting him to say i d be in the park on saturday an to come if he wants it to work with us, and to say i ll assume its over if hes not there, because i have to get on with my life.has anyone got any other ideas, i really like the guy an dont want to lose him, i have 2 kids of my own which he has taken on so as long as he doesnt have feelings for the mother ofthis child i am willing to stand by him an the baby, trouble is he hardly knows the mother so he maybe could develop feelings in the future,would love any ideas, alternatives to the park idea, as ultimatums arent always the best i ve heard, thanks
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female
reader, JDinCali  +, writes (9 March 2011):
 You've only been a couple for four months, so really he knows you just enough to know that he really likes you. And he doesn't know the mother at all, (that he remembers). No wonder he's confused! Well, at least you can appreciate that he's taking fatherhood seriously and not abandoning his responsibilities. Seems like a decent guy in that regard. AND he really cares about you, because you can see he's conflicted.The best thing you can do is support him and be patient. Be that calm and cool reassuring voice in his life. Give a few more months. Let or help him figure this all out. You could always give him a Daddy harness/swaddle for the baby; it'll help him realize that he can be mobile with the babe, not just stuck at the mother's home. Then, you can help him feed the baby, burp, change, put on hat/sunscreen, etc. He'll start to get the hang of it and realize that he can do without the mother being there all the time, (I'm sure she needs a break or two anyway). Once he's good about caring for the baby his confidence to go elsewhere will give him more options. Like going to the zoo, beach or lake, stroller jogging, playground, musical performances that are public, etc. The baby would love to be around your kids I'm sure. Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): He IS messing you around. You were friends for a good while and I would go back to being friends for now. No 'sex with benefits' sort of thing. I would not contact him. If and when he does contact you I would make clear you are happy to be a friend but if he wants a relationship you expect it to be exclusive and committed. He is less likely to treat you so casually if you show him you have boundaries and self respect. You sound as if you are prepared to make all sorts of allowances to be with him. You may be setting yourself up for pain if you are not careful.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (9 March 2011):
 Wow, that is a plateful.
I understand that he is going through a lot right now and I'm assuming the DNA results came back that the baby is his? Why didn't this woman tell him about the baby while she was pregnant?
I would sit down and talk with him. Give him whatever amount of space he wants, but don't put your life on hold for him. Give him a little bit of time to decide what he wants to do. If he wants to try and make things work for this woman, she was a one night stand and probably for a reason and I know people think it's a good idea to try and make things work for the sake of the children, but usually that doesn't pan out all that well and just ends in disaster for everyone involved.
You being a mother of two you could more than help him with his new found fatherhood if he decides to let you. He sounds confused and lost, which is probably why he doesn't continuously let you know what is going on and why he comes and goes to your place all of the time.
Let him know in no uncertain terms that you will give him space, but you aren't going to wait forever. YOu understand that he has a lot on his plate right now. He needs to let you know what is going on, if he is going to make things work with her or whatever he is doing.
Meeting in the park is a good idea, don't turn it into an ultimatum. Text him saying hey, I took my kids to the park we are here having a picnic or whatever, would you like to come talk to me over lunch about a few things? Don't pressure him or he will run in the opposite direction.
He has a lot to deal with, don't add to it. Good luck to you, let me know how things work out?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): You've only been together as a couple for four months. Everything that's happening just now is obviously too much for him.
I suggest you tell him the relationship is over and give yourself some distance. Your two children should be your priority, not this relatively new relationship.
He is messing you around and this is your opportunity to show him you are not a doormat. He has a lot going on in his life, let him sort that out before pursuing a relationship with you.
It's not a question of how much space you should give him. Ask yourself, "How much messing around with my heart and my head should I be willing to tolerate?"
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