A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I've been in a relationship for about 8 years, and it's had a lot of ups and downs. For a while now, more downs than ups, I think he and I would both agree. We had been long distance for a while, came together for graduate school which was very intellectually and emotionally draining (I personally saw my self-esteem plummet in school). We fought about once a week. We're out of school now and he got a job so we traveled across country. I was hoping now that we were out of school that we'd kind of settle down, and if this past year went well, ie. we were mutually supporting one another and it felt like a healthy environment. It just hasn't, at least consistently, happened. I'm just..a little lost right now. We're not married, and I'm not willing to be unless I feel comfortable in the strength of our relationship and it's just not there. I worry that I'm not trying hard enough, that it's my fault, that I feel our bond breaking and that I'm letting a disconnection stay in the way of overcoming our obstacles..I don't want to be someone who gives up on the wrong thing but I think in re-reading what I've written it already sounds like I have given up. Every time there's a fight I automatically convert that feeling into feeling the relationship is wrong for me but I think it's a bad habit to interpret one fight to mean the end but I'm also tired of the fighting. I just...if you were in a rough patch with someone you cared about, how long could you see yourself lasting through it? I know everyone's different but I need some outside perspective. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): It's not that difficult, OP, to work things out. The hard part is not letting emotion and/or hope of things getting better to dictate your decisions.
What you need to work out is if this relationship is part of your future or are you just trying to squeeze it in as a matter of comfort.
It sounds to me like you take breaks to recharge so you can come back stronger and keep fighting to make it work. It gets you down so much you can't keep going in it so you have to take breaks. Then it becomes easier for you not have to deal with going independent or dealing with a break up, so you just work your life around going back to this relationship.
OP if you need him to promise to change, to be more of a couple and that never happens then why do you stay? And are those reasons really good enough for you?
It sounds to me like you're in need of another break already and so the pattern is going to repeat itself. OP getting someone to change is impossible when in a relationship. Because it requires you to change too, to change how much you tolerate, to change your demands in life, to be more assertive about what you need and to have very real consequences for that not happening. But you don't. You can't stay away so he really never has to fear losing you, both of you are too comfortable to really need to change anything anyway so both of you will just keep slipping into the same habits.
It's time you had a long hard think about what you want from life, where it is going and whether it really does involve a relationship so toxic to you that you need breaks from it in order to regain your strength and happiness. I mean OP if the only reason you keep going back to this is because it's easier and more convenient in practical terms then you're cheating yourself out of a better life.
Trust me OP, I'm 8 years with my wife. The thought of having go alone again is terrifying but I know I'd be fine if that's what needed to be. She's not my first long term partner either so I know easy it is to be lazy when neither person has really done anything majorly wrong to ruin the relationship. I know what it's like to keep fighting a lost cause because the other way just seems a lot more hassle, more expensive, more lonely etc. but I also know what it's like to escape a relationship that doesn't work and I can easily say I wasted a good year on a dead relationship where neither of us were really happy and both hoping for some kind of magical change to occur.
Is that what this is and do you think more about how great your life would be without this when you're with him? If so then the decision is easy, going through with it is the tough part.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I took a while to read these because things had seemed to balance out for a couple of weeks. One thing that also gets me is that he goes through these periods where supposedly everything's going to get better-we're going to divide and schedule who does the chores, we're going to eat dinners together (we live in the same apartment), we're going to do a new activity once a week, but lists after lists have been made..I both do not trust them (or us), and they give me hope/guilt for moving on, this "maybe THIS time," totally devoid of a basis in reality, comes to mind.
I have taken breaks from the relationship before. They were all initiated by me. While I was in school, it would be related to when the lease was up, and then coming back together after being in a different city for the summers (for work). It's happening again now, although I'm not going anywhere this summer since school is over. I'm disappointed in myself like I can't..hack it, or figure out how to be an adult..
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A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (12 February 2014):
 There is a lot of excellent advice already, especially by the anonymous female who wrote the "You're in a trap" post.
Having said that, weekly fighting is a deal breaker. At one point in my life I thought it was tolerable. Or even somewhat normal. But, constant fights are only normal for couples that do eventually breakup, or have miserable home lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2014): The self doubt that you are experiencing - about whether it is you or the relationship - will only get worse the longer that you keep trying to resolve this.You said you noticed in college your self esteem plummeted - and it is this low self esteem that is partly what is making you keep doubting yourself and wondering if you should make more effort to fix your relationship.BUT - and this is really important - what's significant here is that your boyfriend was around at the time that your self esteem dropped. This indicates that the two of you did NOT find a way to work as a strong, healthy team during that time and you came out the worst for it. You are still hoping to become a strong team, but the truth seems very much to be that the foundations for that possibility were never really in place. You're in a trap, and maybe you can't see how bad it could get. The fights will only make you doubt yourself more and the longer it goes on the worse your self doubt will get. You will blame yourself more and more and never grow into the person that you are meant to be - it will be a bit like having emotionally stunted growth, you will spend years and years going round in circles, possibly with kids involved further down the line...never quite sure if you are truly happy or not and never quite sure if it's his fault or not. As he senses he's not making you happy and can't figure out why, he will develop his own problems - maybe turning to alcohol or other women to try to feel better.Taken to an extreme, prolonged stress caused by fighting begins to have a physical effect as well as an emotional one. If you keep trying to battle things out in hope that it will get better you could very possibly make yourself physically ill. Stress registers deep in the body, a bit like water saturating the earth and then, when there is too much stress, there's a flood that may take years to sort out.Don't waste anymore time. Don't even bother with relationship counselling.You were disappointed by school - but the fact that you wanted to go in the first place shows that you have ambitions of your own that were not fulfilled. Possibly you need to try a slightly different route or something else entirely in education. Or maybe you need the thrill of a good job and your own money. But be careful. A lot of things can make you feel more powerful when you have low self esteem - money, status etc - but they never really tackle the real issue. You could be further trapped into staying with your boyfriend just because you feel better about getting a job, for example...and covering over the deeper issues as so very many people do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): It depends why you're fighting.
It may be a bad habit to question your relationship after one fight, but after long term bickering it's more than justified because it's leaving a bitter taste in your mouth and sounds like it's spoiling things for you.
Remember OP caring about someone and being in love with them has nothing to do with whether they're right for you or not. If you and he are fighting a lot over petty things it's not a good sign. You need to figure out the reasons, whether it's external pressures or just that your relationship has run its course.
Relationships are not all bubbles and pixie dust but people seem to think "ups and downs" is somehow normal or justification for fighting a lost cause.
I'd go for couples counselling. Get to the root of all this and see if you can resolve it. I've had plenty of fights with my wife, even petty arguments but never in the long term and the "ups and downs" we've had were things we faced together, like illness, job stress etc. not constant soul crushing arguments.
Maybe you and he just haven't learned the right coping mechanisms for dealing with external stress and you take it out on each other. Maybe you just need to sort out your circumstances for the relationship to fine again or maybe you've both just become so comfortable in this relationship that neither of you want to step outside of that even though it's pretty much over.
Fix this, or at least try to and if you can't then you need to find the strength to walk away.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love  +, writes (10 February 2014):
Eight years is a long time and given your age I'd guess that you've both changed a lot in those 8 years.As people mature they can grow apart, it's a fact of life.I think you already know the answer, you just want confirmation.This relationship has most likely run its course and its time to move on.No one is necessarily to blame, you're just different people now.He probably feels the same.Have an honest heart to heart discussion (it will be difficult) but you may be able to part as friends, with a sense of relief
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