A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I recently split with my boyfriend a month ago as the relationship was breaking down constant arguements and my lack of trust. I tried to sort it with him and he didn't show up and not a word was said. So I decided to end it. We met up a week later so we could talk and so he could come collect his stuff and we agreed to start taking things slowly and not be in an official relationship to see how things go. We've been doing this for a couple of weeks now, we've been trying to go out more as a couple and spend more time together and out each others needs first. I can't help but feel like we're not getting anywhere, we've still argued the same even though we've agreed to take it slowly although not as much. And I can't help but feel like we won't have a future together anymore and we won't do all the things that we've planned to do. A family member from his side has passed this week and he's explained that he needs me to be there for him and I'm trying my absolute best but I don't think I can be there for him when I feel like this. I want space. I want time alone. I want to think about us and what's going to happen and I feel that so much pressure is on us now and that I'm expected to be there for him 24/7 when he needs me. It doesn't feel right. Am I being selfish? I know that i should be there for him because he needs me but I don't feel I can because our relationship isn't 100%. I really don't know what to do and I feel awful because he's going through a hard time and I don't want him to feel like I'm neglecting him. Please someone give me some advice on how to deal with this Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I agree with Cerberus.
It's not going to work a second time around unless you BOTH are dedicated to fixing whatever past problems you have. Going slow is no use.
I'd honestly walk away.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Walk away OP. Don't punish yourself or him by pretending to be someone you're not comfortable being. The relationship didn't work the first time and it wont work now either. All I can say is, the timing is just terrible and ideally you should have sorted out the differences first before trying again. Like Cerberus said, your problems wont just magically disappear; you have to work at them to come to a solution to them. Unfortunately, this is the worst time to talk about all this with your B/f because of the death in his family and while he expects you to be there at him, don't do it if you don't want to. Just be upfront and end this and let him go. Yes, its a terrible thing to do right now but you cant put up the facade for too long either; sooner or later you will snap.
And in future, don't jump into a rebound relationship without working out all the reasons that led to your break-up in the first place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): It didn't work the first time and it clearly won't work this time either.
What I wonder OP is why you decided to "try again" when you hadn't even figured out the cause or the solution to what went wrong the first time?
I mean you just dived right back in hoping all your problems would just magically disappear? Because the issue you were having is that you and he just don't get on, and on top of that you don't trust him either. So what was your magical solution to that OP? You can't talk it out and fix it with communication because you and he don't get on and this feeling of you wanting time and space to think is something you should have done before you decided to give it another shot.
You're not being selfish, OP, you can't help but need your own time and space here. It's time to call an end to this and take the time and space you need.
It's not fair on him for you to pretend to be there for him when you quite literally just cannot be no matter how much you want to be because your heart isn't in this anymore. You can't sacrifice your mental well being to try and make something work in this kind of situation, a situation which you've decided was going to be a trial run but has turned into him demanding you act like a full time girlfriend again.
OP the only thing you can do is take back that space and take some time away from him to have room to think about it all. You're not neglecting him, he's broken the rules of a trial run and is demanding something you can't give. Consider the trial run a failure and walk away.
It's not your fault he's going through such a tough time and you should have never agreed to be "there for him" when you just can't be.
The best thing you can do for you both is walk away now. Take your time, take all the space you need and do what you should have done the first time and break off contact so you can think clearly without him giving you some guilt trip shit and making you miss him.
You know what you have to do here, and just know it is the right thing to do.
For the future, don't ever give a relationship another shot while still in the middle of the pain and grief of a break up, all this is, is a rebound nothing more. Next time take your time and be sure instead of diving back in on trial basis.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 You probably have built a wall because you have been so hurt by him. It will take time to either heal and trust him or you will realise you don't want this relationship any more. Its hard to be the GF and do the things that are expected when you have this wall up, just take it slow and don't say anything because you need to work through your emotions.
Goodluck
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