| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: My children are all 18 years older,but they are making huge mistakes, like they never learned anything good from us.We tried to teach them good values, but they are clearly not showing any good results, there is drugs and drinking ,trouble with the law, and other stuff.I wonder how much parents really contribute in their children's adult life?What is that depending on ,if they will learn from their parents guidance, or chosing entirely diferent ,or even wrong direction?I feel self blame, but i don't know for what, as i didn't cause this really. We gave them the basics, yet they behave like they never got any guidance. what should I think ,or do with grown children who does not want to listen ,but always showing up, when help needed,? Hard to refuse, as we love them,but what can you do,if the broke drunk son, comes home to recover, after a few month binge of life,,?/
View related questions:
drugs, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 A lot, but your input might not have been what you think it was.
You know what the saying "do as I say, don't do as I do" means? For instance it is kinda silly to think a child is going to listen to your "alcohol is bad" speech if you guzzle a bottle of wine at every dinner.
No I am not saying that is the case here, but if you get through the day on anti-depressant, an anti-drug speech will have far less of an impact.
What is a red flag to me is your insistence on "good values" without ever explaining what those values are. Sorry, but those words are far to often mis-used.
Kids have to learn to seperate the bullshit from the truth and basically learn their parents lie (Santa, the stork, etc etc) and find their own truth. This comes from the media, school and their own mind.
There ain't one thing that causes a person to be who they are, there are a lot of influences and all of them shape a person.
And that influence might not be what you think it is. Is discipline instilled or enforced? Is the child sheltered or protected? Never having to face the consequence of an action, means the child never learns that actions have consequences.
Take your son, he can binge drink all he wants, because he always has a mommie who will clean up the mess.
It is near impossible to say if you did anything really wrong as a parent, there are so many possible causes and there is always that pesky free will thing.
Worry less about what happened and more about what is going to happen, you can't change your sons childhood but you can affect his future. Get some advice on how to deal with alcohol abusers.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 August 2009):
 I understand where you're coming from. It's difficult when different directions are taken. As a parent, I know that we can't force values on our kids. I even sit here with my teen daughters, and at times they'll assist in answering a question for someone around their age, then we discuss it. I don't think they will always make decisions in the direction of the advise they help give, when I'm there with them. They have the tools, it depends on what they do with them.
Your kids are adults. Their direction is their choice, not because of you doing something wrong. I think you need to learn tough love. It's one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to do, but the difference is giving a swift kick, or allowing further destruction. I'd invite someone over who works with interventions for a drug and alcohol treatment center. Tell them, "go do this, or no more help" As I said it's not easy, but what's more important, saving a life or being the easy going parent?
I hope this helps you. Remember, it's not your fault.
...............................
A
male
reader, LoveDocBruce +, writes (2 August 2009):
 You know, the only thing you can do is be there for them, but there comes a time when you need to take drastic measures.
For the alcoholic binge drinking son, find out where he goes, call that place and tell them he's an alcoholic and you will press charges if they serve him alcohol. You can do that if they know he's an alcoholic.
As for the drug use and everything else, if they get in trouble, then they will deal with the consequences and will learn. But everyone does drugs at some point (maybe a few haven't) and everyone has some idea that they effed up. As long as you don't let them do it at your house, then there is nothing you can do.
Good Luck.
...............................
|
