A
female
age
51-59,
*oyced
writes:Please help, my 19 yr old daughter is having an affair with a married man. My daughter has been babysitting for a local family for the last 2 summers. Recently I was looking at pictures on her computer and I noticed pictures of the family she babysits for, they family have been friends of ours for a few yrs now. At first the pictures were innocent, pictures of the kids, some outings they went on etc. Then as I continued through them I found many of my daughter with the father of the kids, Kevin. (he is 35 yrs old and married). there were MANY pictures of them together in the pool, arms around each other, and several with my daughter kissing him on the cheek. I was furious and hurt. She wasnt at home at the time that I found these pictures. When she came home I asked her about it and she got mad and said that there was nothign going on and that she was hurt that I would say these things. The next day I went searching for more answers and I found SEVERAL , text and IM messages from him. and they all confirmed that they were having an affair. He was telling her that he loved her, how he couldnt wiat to be with her again and several of them got sexual. When I showed them to my daughter she yelled at me to leave her alone and that she was a adult and could do what she wanted and started to cry. I am mad and hurt that my daughter would do such a thing. and I am completly out raged that a man that I have had in my home would be doing this with my daughter. should I confront him, tell his wife what woudl you do.
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female
reader, Ruby Red +, writes (9 June 2010):
 I would like to say as a young woman I had an affair with a married man. My mother confronted me and the man, nothing got settled but an angry mother. I can tell you from my own experience your daughter is not a child anymore and all you can do express your disappointment of her actions but forbidding her is only going to make it worse. As far as telling the wife. She probably already knows something is going on especially if this has been going on for sometime. Good luck and do lots of praying
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): OP, thank you for having the moral convictions in addressing your daughters affairs with the MM. i know you have confronted here and this is the start. what now? is there a way forward? do you have any update? have you seen this man again? is your daughter still babysitting at his house?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I agree with the anonymous reader, you are the MOTHER and she is the DAUGTHER. You need to make her understand that she is in the wrong and is hurting other with her actions. How are children going to learn their lessons if you, as a parent, will not teach them? They will never learn. You need to not just talk to your daughter but also the man that should know better than to touch such a young woman. She might be upset with you, but you must talk to her and make her understand why you are doing what you are doing. Let her see what her actions have done. Tell her the pain that she has cause to the MM's Wife and kids, by doing what she had done. You need to show her that she might THINK she is an adult, but she sure is not acting like a respectable adult. Because no RESPECTABLE adult does something like that. Be the mother and also talk to your husband about it. Maybe together, you two can think of the right method in teaching your daughter a way to becoming something better other then what she is becoming, which is a HOMEWRECKER
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): homewreckers start very early these days........however this man and his family have been family friends with you (and i am assuming your husband for years). does he only come around to get the sex on the sly?has he destroyed your relationship of trust?how DO YOU face his wife and kids knowing that your daughter is stealing another womans husband?your 19 year old wants to be treated like an adult so treat her like one. show her that actions have consequences and WHAT the consequences are. she will be treated like the biggest slag around time but that will not be idle gossip. when made an adult decision to seek out a married man, an adult decision to have sex with a married man, an adult decision to steal this MM, and adult decision to steal these kids father and an adult decision to betray all concerned. So as an adult she needs to face the consequences. they start with being branded a "homewrecker" and that is just the beginning...... if she cares anything about her GOOD reputation she will know what to do but right now she is only thinking with her virgina nand so YOU will have to do the adult thing here; AND THAT MEANS BUSTING THE MARRIED MANS 8ALLS. and making sure he doesn't get away with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): i agree that as an adult this MM should know better. your daughter will not listen to you s she will be hellbent on destroying his family all in the name of a "twisted love she has for this MM. i think you will agree, many MM help themselves to the babysitters when the wives are not around. and these young girls fall, hook, line , sinker for them. they pay these girls a pittance of a salary yet they extract more than their pound of flesh in their sexual gratification with these girls.
the only way to save your daughter and her reputation is by outing her. YES. she will be furoius but better be a strict mother than a mother tolerating her daughters messing around with A MM , this sends out the wrong message and it says that you condone rather than condemn her affair. this MM also needs to be confronted. But let his wife deal with him. How many young girls has he been sleeping with, is your daughter the latest babysitter? you have a moral duty to tell his wife and you need to tell her NOW. you dealw ith your daughter and let his wife dealw ith him. If you cover up your daughters sexual affair then sadly you will be no better than her and her married lover. turning a blind eyes is even worse. i am not blmaing you for wanting to protect your daughter but she needs to know that screwing around with married men is a NO NO. remember a family is involved. kids and an innocent wife. so the sooner you spill the beans about this affair the sooner the people involved and betrayed by it will start putting the pieces of their lives back together.
remember your daughter is not all that innocent here. yes the MM should have known better but your daughter should have known that he was off limits. if she is such an adult then kick her out and let her MM take care of her. why must you put up with someone morally immature and devoid of knowing the right from wrongs.
seems like the cheating "young" babysitter has been getting too much of sympathy here on DC. the oh, shame, she made a mistake, go easy on her, becare she doesn't hate you. LISTEN, who cares whether she hates you. who cares whether she blames you. YOU ARE HER MOTHER. full stop. stop trying to be politically correct . stop trying to hide from the mess that this is. your little girl is not a little girl anymore. she is an audlut , an adult who cares nothing about destroying a home. Mum, put yourself in this MMs wife's shoes. Your daughter has taken advantage of this womans home and life. your daughter is a wolve, an imposter in this womans life. be realisitc and see your daughter for what she has become. i agree it is no reflection of you BUT it will be a reflection if you condone her wrongs and if you deliberately hide her affair and allow her to destroy a family. then you have failed as a mother! sorry to be harsh but then your duty as a woman and mother is questioned.
right now your daughter will try to keep her MM with sex. well her MM needs to be brought to book. TELL HIM that you know of his affair with your daughter. TELL HIM that you suspect he was having sex with her when she was still a minor. watch his reaction. be firm. be steadfast in you manner in which you resolve this mess. remember you know better than the 19 year old. so do not give in to pressure to stay out of this affair. this affair became yours to handle because you know it is wrong and you know that as a mother you need to do the right thing. so what if she throws a temper tantrum. so what if she yells and bitches. better to have a bitching daughter than a homewrecker.
IT is time to take sides -either condoning or condemning but you cannot sit on the fence and you cannot and should not be forced to shut up because you are worried about your daughters reactions. This MM must not be tolerated as well. He is not allowed in your home or else she will bring him when you are not around and use your home as a seedy sex hive. Also please dont be fooled by your daughters "tears" . as she said she know what she is doing and she cares nothing about the people she hurts.
Instead of trying to be politically correct how about trying to just be Mum. meaning do not be afraid to leave any stone unturned in an attemot to right this wrong situation. And if the crocodile waterworks starts, who cares? This is a tough one but a necessary intervention is needed.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You really can't do much, can you? Tell her you think it's a mistake, tell her WHY you think it's a mistake, and tell her that when he dumps her (which he will) you will be there for her.
What else CAN you do? As she pointed out, she's old enough to make her own mistakes. I suppose you can ask her not to go babysitting there any more, if anything.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (7 June 2010):
 With some people you can't win.
You tell her to stop the affair, she'll continue just to spite you.
When he dumps her, she'll be angry with you for not telling to leave this chump alone.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to allow them to make their own mistakes. It's hard to sit back as a parent and watch your child dive headfirst into an empty swimming pool, but this is one of those situations where you have to do just that.
Let her know (calmly) that you don't approve of the affair, explain to her that the only person who stands to get hurt in this situation is her, and leave it alone. You don't have to deal with the consequences of her actions, she does. Whatever reputation or heartache arises from this situation is something she will have to work through. Even though she's considered an adult by law she's still immature, and when this situation blows up in her face it will help her grow up and maybe make better decisions down the road.
The only thing you need to do is prepare yourself for the aftermath and think about what kind of support you can give your daughter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): If I were you, I would coldly tell that man that you know all about the affair & if he values life as he knows it he would stay away from my daughter & never do that again to his wife. I would also tell him how disgraceful it is to do such a thing and how perverted & decietful it is to do it with the girl his wife trusts her children with. And I would remind him how Jerry Springer the whole situation her created really is. "Jerry Jerry!" I would also tell my daughter, "If I didn't know better I would say you were acting like a trashy little harlot and if you're buying his crap he's telling you, you're also an idiot! And don't for one second even think you're ever going to live down the homewrecker reputation if he should ever leave them for you- because it just doesnt happen that way." And I would leave it at that. If they continue, its' only a matter of time before his wife or children find out and then they will know why it's a bad idea first hand. If he's smart he'll avoid your daughter like the plague and she'll learn her lesson that it's a dead end road with a married man or a hard road ahead if she does ever "win". I would try hard to spare his wife the shame and embarrassment of her husbands affair with the babysitter. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 You should not kick her out - she is very young and she is making a mistake. She is probably very confused herself. If you kick her out she will have nowhere to go, no money and will end up resenting you.
Instead you need to be very understanding at this difficult for her time.
Telling the man's wife would also be a mistake - it will create all kinds of drama and may lead to the marriage falling apart. At the end, your daughter will probably suffer the most, as she will be the "guilty one". You do not want to do that.
Telling the man without her consent would also be a mistake. As soon as he knows that you know, he may refuse to see your daughter or talk to her out of shame. This will create an emotional torture for your daughter and she will resent you. She will blame you for everything and your relationship with her will be very difficult.
Telling your daughter's father, depending on the father's reaction may also be very hurtful for your daighter. She will feel ashamed and guilty.
I think, it;'s best to not tell anyone at this early stages.
You need to sit down to her and talk to her, trying to convince her to leave the man because he is no good for her. You need to be extremely supportive and understanding and you need to build trust in her for you.
Tell her that you do not intend to tell anyone and that you do not intend to expose her secret. Ask her what happened and how it started? Ask questions about every detail including if she has had a sexual relation with the man and for how long it has been going on for. Tell her you are her friend and you want her best and that you just want to help by offering an experienced advice.
Then ask her - what she is planning to do? Continue seeing this man who is not good for her or try to move on and get her life together. Lay out the options for her by telling her that she:
1)Can continue doing whatever she is doing with the man and eventually suffer the consequences because at the end such affairs always end up badly.
2)Quit babysitting at their family and tell the man she wants to quit the affair.
Tell her that you want to help her to get her life together - that you will help her pay to go to university, you will help her financially so that she doesn't have to stay at that babysitting job. Tell her, that she needs to go out with her girlfriends or that you will help her host a party in order to reconnect with her girlfriends. Or that you will give her money to go shopping and buy a new outfit.
Once she sees she has mom on her side, she may feel strong enough to quit the affair on her own.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Sometimes the more we stop things like this, the more they keep holding on and do it. Im so sorry for this as i understand what you feel. I hope your daughter know how to use proctection or birth control. If not then i think this is the right time to tell her how to use it before its too late. Tell it to her in friendly way that she will not think any negative about it. Let her know that you care. Tell her in a quiet moment that you care, that you know" it is her life now but you still the mother and you care. Let her understand what you worry about. Ask her a question how she wanted this relationship? Does she think it will work out? Does she think he will devorce the wife for her? That he will marry her? ask her this question. Ask her in a friendly way. Because if you talk to her in a anger way she just going to explode and that will lead to not a good communication between you and her. Keep her closer that you can watch her, do it in a friendly way that she can not notice it. At least i think this is the only way you can protect and support her by being more closer to her. I hope this help.. I wish you goodluck too.
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A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 As difficult as it may seem, there is very little that you as a mother can do when she is 19 years old.
If you confront him or his wife, your daughter will hate you, and you will more than likely loose her forever. So not a good idea! Your daughter knows that you know now, and hopefully will enable her to confide in you more than before. This is what your ultimate goal should be because before long, when things go south for their "relationship", she will need her mother to comfort her.
As difficult as what it is, you cannot confront this man or his wife. If I were in your shoes, I would probably want to do that, but being on the other side allows us a little more clarity.
Just be there for your daughter! She may not need you now, but sooner or later she will!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): You should explain that it is like if her dad were having an affair with someone, imaging what that would do to you, because that's what's happeneing to his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I don't think you should kick her out that, will end up leaving her with so little choices and push her even more into his arms.
Talk this through with your daughter. She's young she is making a mistake she needs her mum.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Kick the daughter out. If she claims to be a grown up she can live on her own and see if she gets by with what her sugar daddy pays her to baby sit. Really. Your home, you decide who enters, and you should not allow this man in your home again. Maybe you should think about threatening your daughter by saying either she leaves this married man or you will tell his wife about the affair.
You are not this girls friend, you are her mother. So I see absolutely no reason why you should brush this under the carpet and let it go. You have every right to be disappointed and outraged. And while she is that old that you can not stop her, or forbid her, to do things, you can be clear about your opinion. And you have the right to do with this information as you see fit.
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A
female
reader, Blondiebrooke69 +, writes (6 June 2010):
U have some valid concerns but u do also have to realize that she is an adult and while u may love your daughter shes not a minor so u cant do much but talk to her politely ...stop accusing her of stuff and sit down and have an adult conversation ...marriages do fall apart sometimes but it is both of there doing not just hers and u have to realize that and not get on to her as harshly talk to her as a friend and dont make remarks telling her shes going to reck there marriage ...mention maybe this isnt wise to go with someone whose kids ur babysitting and ask her what her intentions are ...the only thing u could do is ban this man from coming in ur house but it will just make ur daughter more upset and she will probably end up recenting you....sorry to put things so harsh and good luck with dealing with ur daughter
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I would invite the husband over, sit him down with the daughter, say taht you knoow and they must stop now, also tell your husband/ your daughter's father
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