A
male
age
41-50,
*c
writes:bin going out with my girlfriend for 18 months we have had lots of oral but no intercoarse. she has had sex with two boy friends before me . How long should I wait, She is not having sex with anybody else . She wants to be sure I am the one. She say she loves me but isn't ready she is 32 and I am 35. Have tryed everthing from dinners to flowers to gifts . people say if she isn't putting out now she will not later either"Don't know what to do need sex always have had sex with girlfriend . Maybe she isn't atracted to me but she gives me oral .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): she is 30 only two sexual partners by then seems to me she generally waits. or could be like me in the past i rushed in and regretted it after. i'm seeing someone now and taking it slowly because i want to get to know him. saying that 18 months is quite long. ask her why.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): Hay ok so ive read a few of the coments made already and I have to say that there are some very good points being made ie talking to her. Although i would like to say one thing.
Ive had intercouse with a couple of my previous partners but i refuse to 'put out' for my currect - not because i don't love him because i do - loads, its just that this time its different. Its because i care about him that i don't want to rush things. Have you guys talked about the future at all ie marridge kids?
Maybe shes waiting for the right time, its kinda easy to put something off at first and then before you know it its been 18 months and you don't really know how to innitiate things, maybe she feels out of practise and is worried about your reaction?
I think everything said and done you need to talk to her and explain your feelings and concerns about your relationship.
All the best x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): I agree to ask her why she won't do it even though she's done it before (and you guys have obviously been together & intimate enough for it already).
If she's been traumatized then that's a powerful issue. Waiting for her (and helping her through it) would make your relationship stronger. It would also help to heal her overall even if you two eventually split up. It would show that you have a supreme amount of respect for her as a person & not just a sexual plaything.
But this may be hard to find out about, depending on how she's been coping with it. She may not want to talk about it for a long time. She may not even admit that there IS any trauma behind the whole thing for a long time first either. Sexual abuse tends to leave the abused person extremely embarrassed, and feeling like they're "damaged goods" to admit that it happened to them. It may very well take professional therapy too.
On the other hand, if she says there's no traumatic reason? (And if you're SURE that she's telling the truth and there's no traumatic past behind this?) Maybe she's just grown a set of morals on you all of a sudden after years of active sexual behaviour. Like a "born again virgin" or something.
Personally I wouldn't stay with her for that crap. Of course tolerating it is the poltically correct post-feminist thing to do and all, but I don't care. I've got no interest in putting in all the work for a girl if she's already been giving it away to others for a lot less already. Staying with her & tolerating that situation will get you all kinds of "nice guy" points, but nice guys finish last.
Girls like that usually had a hell of a lot more fun screwing themselves up than you will have when you're trying to fix them. You basically get the worst out of all the possible variables when you're playing this game, and it's not even your fault. So I'd vote myself off that island pronto. I don't care how much I get verbally bashed for this opinion.
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 I think she means exactly what she says.
Just because she has had sex with two other men, does not automatically mean she'll be emotionally ready for the third.
You have no idea how those experiences were for her, and she may be suffering from emotional scars.
Going forward the best thing to do would be to sit her down and ask her (in a manner that doesn't suggest you just want her pants off) and seek the source of the problem.
She may have trust issues that you need to help her through.
As for her friends saying those things to you, I imagine its one of those type of men that she is now guarded against
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A
male
reader, PhilManco  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 I was in a similar situation a few years ago (when I was in my mid-20's). I dated a woman for about ten months before we began sleeping together. She decided that she wasn't ready to sleep with me AFTER we had slept together a handful of times, though, and our sexual relationship became strictly oral.
Her reasons were religious, so I didn't push them. Eventually, though, she became more and more particular about other aspects of our physical relationship, as if she was weaning me off of her. Over four long years, our relationship deteriorated and I finally broke up with her.
Talk to your girl--are there religious reasons behind her reluctancy to sleep with you? Right now, I see no reason to believe that she is not attracted to you. If the physical aspects of your relationship start to diminish, as mine did, though, then I would recommend a SERIOUS discussion.
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