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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I met this guy online and after two months have passed he asked me if he could contact me on my mobile, so I gave him my number and we chatted a couple of times and texted each other. The thing is he keeps telling me that he wants to see me. I travelled over the summer ,but did not make any effort to see him as I believe he must come and see me first. He's been telling me since about plans to come visit in November and even live in the town I'm living in. ( Mind you we live in different countries, different continents in fact, with different languages and he says that he wants to come see me and learn the language). A week ago, we talked on the phone and then on the next day he sent me an email saying he's found accommodations and that he can't wait to see me. Four days later, I find a text sent at seven in the morning saying that he needs to stay where he is for the time because he got really ill. Should I believe him given that he's been harping on the same topic of us meeting for almost 4 months now. I wasn't the one who suggested it either, but I'm growing a little impatient with the fact that he's already told me he's coming in November and then cancelled last minute. How long do you think I should give him before I decide it's not going to happen?! He always says he misses me and that he's thinking of me, but I learnt not to believe everything I read or hear. Help please, Does he sound like a player? He doesn't sweet talk me or anything, he's just friendly and understanding and we both want to get to know each other so we're like good friends...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou convinced me there. He's French! there you go :) help, anyone? Thanks folks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 I agree with mizz.butterflies, country and culture of origin MAY be very relevant. Different cultural perceptions.Very subtle some times, nevertheless they are there.
Example :
when I moved to USA at first I used to get upset because perfect strangers would come up to me and say, for instance, " Ms, you have a run in your pantyhose "or " You've got chewing-gum stuck on your shoe ". I figured out later that they wanted to be KIND, for them that's the proper thing to do : tell you so that you can remedy. In my country, that's the top of rudeness, if you note something amiss and you aren't close friend with the person, the polite thing is to ignore it so that the person does not feel embarassed.
What has this got to do with your issue ? Quite a bit . In several cultures, blurting out unpleasant truths and unpleasant news is just not doable and done . It's seen as rude and confrontational, they proceed in a much more roundabout way . Not because they particularly want to make a fool out of you- because that's the way the know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not getting defensive, it's just that I think country of origin is irrelevant.. thanks for your answers.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 dont get all defensive. understanding someone's cultural upbringing can give clues about his behavior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Mizz Butterflies,
I don't see why where he's from makes any difference?! He's an EU citizen and (this excludes that possibility of him being interested in me for migration purposes.) Thanks for your answer. Peace out.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (1 December 2011):
may i ask where is this guy from?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Have you told him that if you two are to meet in "the flesh" that you want HIM to make that effort?
If not, I would be honest and tell him.
Right now you have Christmas coming up, so there won't be a good chance for him (or you) to spend time (in person) so if you think he is worth the wait, I would wait til after the New Year and see what he can do to come see you.
I hope he is well again.
And I agree go with your gut.
One thing I would like to say though, is that it is sometimes easier to develop feelings and a relationship with someone who is "far away" and physically unavailable but mentally/emotionally available - because it's more about the thought of being in love then actually being in love with someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for sharing adamantine. I'm glad that it worked for you guys. I guess you're right, I should follow my gut feeling- I'll keep you posted ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anon male reader,I appreciate your reply. Yes, I've seen photos of this guy and we've skyped once for 5 minutes because I wanted to make sure he's real. I know that the move isn't an easy step, but he's the one who suggested it first as he's keen to learn the language of the country I'm teaching in ( and it's not in Europe). I may go home for Christmas and he'd be in a neighbouring country, but it's out of the question for me to meet him first as I don't think I should be the one making all the effort. I was in a relationship where I was the cookie factory giving endlessly and taking the lead, but I realise now and again that men need to feel they're taking the lead when it comes to major decisions like this one. Thanks again. Cheers!
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 It's really up to you to decide on this one.
I was in the same situation - this guy I had been friends with over the internet for almost two years wanted to come visit me. We had developed feelings for each other.
I had no objections because I would have loved to meet him, but he took a very long time to do anything about it. I felt like I was wasting my time holding out for a promise that he wasn't going through with. He started talking about visiting me in October. He ended up coming to visit me the following July and he stayed for 3 months with me.
I almost gave up on him, but in my gut, I knew that if we did meet, we would be wonderful together. And I was right. It was the most wonderful and exciting 3 months of my life. I am so glad I gave him a second chance. We're now in a long distance relationship and he's coming back here within the next 4 months to hopefully live and start our life together.
That's my story. I hope it helps you in your decision. You have to decide whether or not you feel he is worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, really helpful.
Dear Celtic tiger: this guy is European and has lived in France for years. I don't think it's a matter of immigration at all. In fact, at the moment I'm the one living in a non-EU country although I'm British! I appreciate your concern, thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2011): It's hard with online relationships - whether they are friendships or becoming more.Have you seen photos of this guy? have you spoken to each other via video or skype? To promise to live, or stay for a long time is a big decision and it could be true that he has just become ill and cannot make it yet.Alternatively it could all be a scam. Ive heard of people who promise and suck someone in until they get that trust and end up scamming money out of them, or some other thing. Or others who are married and are having affairs online.I'm not saying this is what is happening with your friendship, he could be genuine and just nervous, or sick or worried about that big move to meet you. I'd talk to him properly and agree to meet up for just one day, dont rush the meet up. Dont rush to spend weeks together when after a day you just may not be feeling the same as you thought you would. make some compromise to meet as that could be the other thing, perhaps he fears making all the effort when you havent really made an effort to try meet him...it takes 2 to make an effort so maybe suggest an alternative plan to meet and see how he reacts.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (1 December 2011):
 Hi OP - Can I ask you a question? Where does this man you met on the internet come from? His country of origin?
I think you should go with your gut instincts and be very very wary of his intentions.
There are many women who get taken in by people who want a way in to the UK only to find they get fleeced and often lose money, self respect and faith because of it.
Please tread carefully.
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