A
male
age
51-59,
*c345
writes:I’m in my 40’s and I’ve been seeing my new girlfriend for about 2 months. It’s going well so far and I have really fallen for her. I’m going through all the usual feelings of missing her / wanting to be with her / wanting to message her / thinking about her on a very regular basis. I guess I’ve fallen in love with her and although I know she likes me, I’m not sure how that it’s to the same degree as she doesn’t use pet / affectionate names like I regularly do and never tells me how she feels. In fairness, I haven’t said anything (those three words) to her as I feel it’s too soon and I’d risk scaring her off but I know she knows I like her lots. She’s also busier and has a better social life than I do, and I’m hoping that I will become part of this, as she will become part of mine, in time. I’m just slightly impatient about it, although just on the inside - I never let that show to her. The start of our relationship was much more gradual in terms of physicality (I don’t mean just sex) than I have been used to in the past, but I’m very happy with where we are at now. I’m putting that down to her wanting to be sure in her own head and making her mind up about me in some sort of way before getting emotionally and physically involved, but that’s just my thought. If I continue to feel the same way and I continue to get the positive vibes I have been getting from her after a very gradual start to our relationship, how long is “normal” for telling her I love her? She expresses herself through actions and Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): I know women won't like my answer. I'm offering this to you man to man. Ignore it if it doesn't make any sense. It's your call anyway!
You know, showing your feelings is really much more important when you've only known someone for just a couple of months. Test yourself to see how long you can keep this going without changing your feelings. When you look at other women, do you feel guilty and turn your eyes away? Feeling it's not right; because she's the one?
There is so much more you need to learn about each other. Like how people deal with anger, how they respond under pressure, and a whole range of emotions. Then you have to make sure you're on the same-page; to be certain all your feelings are reciprocated.
There's a lot of responsibility and commitment behind those three words.
Make absolutely sure your feelings aren't motivated by desperation; if you've been lonely for a long-time. You better have all your exes completely out of your system; so some old-flame doesn't stir-up some dormant-feelings you thought were gone. From the tons of posts we get from women about that; I can assure you that they absolutely hate that crap! They would castrate us if they could!
Too many times people are eager to find a girlfriend or boyfriend; and rush to say the L-word to rush the feelings of the other person. Often, that will scare people off. They want to know (and need to know) you are rational, and not just caught-up in a moment. If you feel the same in a couple more months, and she seems to be getting a little anxious. Ask her if she's in it for the long-haul? Ask her how secure and safe you make her feel?
The words are easy to say, you can say them on the first-date if you want to. I think you should give it time; until you both are so in-tune that the words might be too hard to hold back. Right-now, you may be eager to say them fearing she'll get-away; or maybe she's in a hurry to hear them.
Marrying someone after only knowing them four months??? And you wonder why so many people end-up divorced?!! Once that horny hormonal-high wears-off, they've got to wonder "what the hell have I done?"
No-one in their right-mind jumps into something as serious as marriage after what amounts to a whirlwind-romance. There is no wisdom in that. It's impetuous and reckless, if you ask me. Then two more months down the road you truly discover who that person is! Too late! One big fight, and you suddenly realize; "oops I can't just kick him out, that's my husband! The serial-killer ex-con; with three baby-mama's, and six kids! Or, she's wanted by Interpol in three countries for extortion and wire-fraud! Just a joke here!
When you're not quite sure how much someone else cares for you; just keep-up what you're doing, so she has built enough trust in you that she will believe the words when she hears them. She also needs time for her feelings to catch up; because she may still be evaluating you for consistency trustworthiness, and reliability. I personally want that before you hit me with the L-word.
I don't like unregulated-insecurities or trust-issues. I have no tolerance for them. Do you? How's your patience and tolerance-threshold?
Endurance and truth of feelings come after a relationship has been tested with a little time and you've ridden-over a few bumps. Can you make up easily after a fight, and how good are each of you at compromising and settling disputes?
My friend, this takes some time to find-out. You can't take back the words "I love you!" Only a total dick would try!
There is no true right or wrong. In my own opinion, I think only two-months might be a little eager. Women have a different take on this; because they like to hear it as soon as possible. Which is why so many relationships putter-out and guys can't live-up to the words. After they've lifted her expectations and locked-down her feelings. That totally sucks!
From what you've described, you've found yourself a keeper. Allow her some time to get to know more about you as a man and a person. Your moods, the range of your temper and self-control, your strengths, and your faults. If she can stick around through all that, you better tell her you love her!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2018):
 Yes, 2 months it is a bit too early. Not so much because you don't know yet if she reciprocates your feelings, but because YOU don't know yet if your feelings are deep , genuine and long lasting. You might as well just be infatuated , or elated / excited for having found someone so different from you , with such an active social life etc.
Let's face it, in 2 months you may be falling in love, ok, but falling in love is not knowing well a person and knowing if you two will be compatible forever or even for a good while . I am always quite skeptical when people say " The mpoment I saw him / her , I was sure she/ he was the one for me ". Even when they segue to have happy long lasting relationships, so the facts would seem to prove them right ! But no, my friend, I'd say , you weren't sure about anything at all- you just threw out a totally wild guess , fueled by wishful thinking- and you got it right, by a rare, random stroke of luck.
Many mant more are teh people who fall in love early, and say I love you early, only to lose steam for whatveer reason pretty soon.
I am not even suspecting you of being fickle, because after all you are a mature man who probably by now knows what he wants and what ticks his boxes . So , of you say you feel you love her , ok , I am inclined to believe that you do love and it's no passing fancy. Yet, it's too early- love is not absolutely everything in a relationship, love does NOT conquer all . You cam love someone with all your heart bit then, at the end of the day, not being willing or able to maintain and sustain a relationship for a score of reasons . Just to give you some tandom examples, what if you can't wait to start a fanuly and she has not got one parenting bone in her body ( or viceversa ) ? What if you two are widely not compatible in bed, if you have hugely different sex drives, sexual styles, fantasies ? What if you have different attitides to money , say, you atr a prudent penny pincher who wants to sacrifice now to enjoy a comfirtable retirement, and she is of the " you only live one, carpe diem " school of thought ?
Thse are only examples, - you may already know each one's stand on these matters - but there are so many things that you can't possibly have explored in just two months, and that could be future deal breakers. So , first it's not that cool to profess your love to sonebody for maybe having to tell them shortly after " sorry, I am afraid after all this is not goung to wowrk ". And second, as much as you love a person right now- love too is subjected to wear and tear , to the point of vanishing, under the pressure of stressors like big differences in life values, sex , money management, dreams and aspirations for the future etc. etc.
So-- wait . What's your rush ? Enjoy your relationship, get to know each other better, see if this honeymoon -stage feelings have time, space- and a foundation in real life- to take hold and put solid roots.
Not to mention, that I agree wholeheartedly with YCBS . words are overrated. SHOW her you love her, rather than just telling her . Actions of love , rather than words, will convince her that you are sincere and mean business, and can very easuly be just the thing that win her over and draw her to you in case she is not totally sold on you yet. But talk ? Talk is cheap.
...............................
A
male
reader, mc345 +, writes (8 April 2018):
mc345 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies. Both your answers make total sense to me. Overriding everythimg though, I don’t think there is one single correct way to play this. Every person and every set of circumstances is individual and different. One month may be appropriate for some, one year for others.
The comment about showing my love by actions is very true and I am living this way. Thanks. What I was about to say in my question (before I posted it too early!) was that I feel her actions are speaking for her too, even if her words (pet names / compliments) aren't quite doing the same job just yet.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): If you are sleeping with her then that is the best time to tell her if you are sure of your feelings for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): You're infatuated with her. It just feels like love. You're only 2 months in. You haven't gone through challenges, up's and down's together, seen her at her worst and vice versa. Everything is perfect now. Wait til the gloss wears off. Then you will know if it's love. If you go thru storms together yet still love each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (8 April 2018):
 It looks like your post got cut short but, ironically, I was going to say that, for any sensible woman, actions will speak louder than words. SHOW her you care for her. Be kind, be considerate, make time for her, listen to her, cuddle her. Make it obvious, by your actions, you love her. Then, when you say it, it will mean so much more because you have already SHOWN it. It will not be infatuation or lust speaking.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): Personally I would hold fire on saying I love you after only a couple of months of dating but then I have friends who got engaged within 4 months of knowing each other and are seemingly happily married now. I should wait until you are fairly sure the feeling is reciprocated before saying it.
...............................
|
