A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have been living together for 3 years. I keep asking myself the question lately- 'Should we be together?'He is into cars/geeky stuff/computers/food and that is pretty much all he is interested in. I'm into my photography, nature, art, travel etc. I want to go and see places whereas he has admitted hes not really bothered about anything like that. We don't have sex for months at a time. I'm on anti-depressants so my libido is pretty crap anyway but i constantly ask him whether it's normal and that we don't have sex and that we should make more effort. He never brings the situation up or talks about it. He doesn't seem motivated by much unless he's interested in it - for example i book all the holidays.I find myself bored a lot and doing housework (which he doesn't do much of) and i do try and keep myself busy doing art, courses, seeing friends etc but i feel like we have so little in common. He is happy to stay at home on the weekends whereas i want to go places and do stuff.I have talked to him about all this MANY times but all he ever says is 'we will do it' but nothing changesHe has his good points too, he is loyal and does care for me, i know he does love me in a contented way, he cooks for me (little things) but clearly i'm fed up or i wouldn't be typing this. I think i'm just bored with my relationship. It would be nice if he got up one weekend morning and said 'let's go for a walk today' etc but nothing like that ever happensDoes this relationship sound normal?? I just don't know what to do for the best. I often find myself feeling like i dislike him because i'm so fed up. I snap at him to help me with stuff because i am fed up of nagging him to do it but then he accuses me of getting at himBtw when i do try and broach the many subjects above he gets annoyed and says i'm being silly or that things will change and that he loves meToday for example i am trying to get stuff done around the house and he is sat on his computer watching car videos. I feel like crying because i just wish he would show some motivation to do the important things every now and thenHe says i'm not interested in his stuff (like cars) so i'm just as bad but the way i see it doing things together is for the both of us and for our relationship. Plus he never arranges outings anyway for me to even go to!!!!!I don't know what to do. I feel like there is only so many times that i can talk about these things with nothing changing. How would it work if i left? We have a mortgage together but he has said in the past he would want to keep the house - which i cannot see working if i want the money I've put into it. We are not married.I guarantee that if we split up he will find someone new, marry her and make more effort but why can't that person be me???
View related questions:
libido, money, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2018): Great advice so far. How about going on a vacation together to rekindle the romance and emotional connection? It seems this has fallen to the wayside. And could be at the root of your problems. A good vacation together away from home could be a game changer and bring you closer together. Can you save for one?
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (9 April 2018):
 I can't help but feel a sense of over the top irony when reading your post. You complain about infrequent sex, and follow up by saying that your libido is "Crap". You feel his love for you when he cooks for you but you say you are "fed up". but enough about that. . .
I have a serious question. It will help you resolve your feelings. What I see you asking for is #1 More outings. #2 more interest in your interests and #3 more Sex (which could mean more intimate emotional connection) When I look at that list I want to know What exactly is the "important stuff" that you want him to show some motivation to do? I'm pretty sure that it is building an emotionally intimate relationship. Can you confirm that?
Here is my thinking on the rest of your post. The interests are minor but irritating. You do have little interest in his interests and you aren't too fussed about that. You lump most of his interests into the catch all category "geeky stuff" which is code for stuff I couldn't be bothered to know anything about.
outings is actually a pretty common complaint. We get a post on that pretty much every month. Willard Harley would call it the emotional need for recreational companionship. Stuff we can do together. I'll get back to that in a minute.
Advice: Code warrior gave you solid good advice. I'mm going to tack on a few other things you should do.
-1- Go see your GP and ask him to change your anti depressant to something that affects you libido less. He/She can help with this. Unlike many medicated depressed people you can see that you need more sex in your relationship, not less. That is very good and healthy. Congratulations.
-2- Download this worksheet and get him to do it with you. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/rei.pdf . This will help you find things to do together.
-3- Start planing weekend activities. Tell him what is planned. Then go whether he goes or not. He will soon start wondering what is so fun that he is missing and start to go. (i did this very successfully. I like to hike, my wife likes to photograph. About the third hike she said I want to go take some pictures of what you are seeing on your hikes.)
If I was planning an activity for you two it would be photographing cars at a car show this summer.
-4- Schedule sex. Even if it's the third Friday night every month. (I would recommend more often if you can manage) This is a temporary thing meant to get you connecting regularly.
-5- testosterone testing for him. Your GP can arrange this. Just tell him your husband has no interest in sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Kate +, writes (9 April 2018):
 Is your relationship normal?, actually it is very normal. Relationships and long ones at that take lots of hard work and effort and often go stale. We can all imagine the super duper perfect couple smiling daily at eachother, checking in to how eachother is feeling and micro managing each moment to attain perfection but seriously!!!....scrub that!!
Relationships are much more visceral, hard, difficult, emotional, full of highs and lows and niggling annoyances that sometimes spill over into blazing rows. After all we are talking about two individuals forging together to enable them to spend a HUGE amount of time together, not to mention their chattels, property, kids etc. It's damn hard to keep it all together 100% of the time.
There is love, of course there is, some people never even acknowledge the love between them until the other person has left, or worse, died :-O
So your BF is a bit of a stick in the mud, he's gotten where a lot of men get in a relationship and that is 'bloody comfy' and most likely it will be like prizing a limpet off a rock to get him to change. You are seeing the bigger picture and getting bored to boot, which is leading to frustration and making you think the grass is greener on the outside...it may be so but it's definitely not guaranteed.
Personally I think it's healthy for couples to have separate interests and maybe a few shared ones, even if it's only something simple like cooking or watching soaps together. Have you tried taking an interest in your boyfriends hobby? Would you spend a day at the car races or a rally, something to get you both out of the house and sharing.
I don't think it will be a miracle but it might open up a new perspective for him and allow you to suggest he shares one of your interests. I always think a bit of humour helps to 'oil the wheels' if you find yourself 'stuck'
Maybe suggest you both go out for dinner and create a space to talk to him face to face about how you are feeling. Try not to be accusing but let him know you are losing hope and would really like to work with him to make a change. Let him know how important you feel the relationship is and that you do not want it to wither and die. You can show him in a loving way that you cannot take any more inaction on his part and remind him that you are two separate people who either work it out or call it a day.
Most men will listen and if they feel sufficiently moved or inspired to take action, they usually will make changes without much complaint. Nagging doesn't work, if you can make it seem that you are needing his help, his ideas, his imput to make an action plan, I bet he will grab it with both hands.
If you care enough about the relationship, you will give it another try...if it doesn't work and you can't tolerate his approach, then ending things would not be impossible.
...............................
|
