A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Where to start. It all started about 4 months when I met this really great girl at a job programme scheme. At first I just saw her as a possible new friend. But after a week we were talking everyday. Either online or by texting. But the more we talked, the more I started to like her. And I told her that I really liked her after about a month or so and she was really flattered.I must point out that she told me she had a boyfriend during the first week of chatting to each other. And had been with him for 5 years and living together for the past 2 years Plus she would often talk about her problems with me. And I would help her with them as much as I could.But during this past month it felt like we were getting closer. We were texting, talking online everyday. Plus we on the phone to each other a few times a week. And we were meeting up with each other when ever we could. I.e when she had to come to town during the day for example. Plus I told her I was falling for her and she was on my mind all the time. Over this past week though things have been a little different. As about 5 days ago, she messaged me online to say that she had split up with him. And we started talking about it for about an hour about what happened. A couple of the things she said to me was she didn't even cry when it happened and she said to me that he was also a jerk.Though a few weeks back i started to realise my feelings for her weren't just that of say a crush. And I really want to tell her how I feel, but am scared of doing so as to what she might say and to how she's feeling with her breaking up with her boyfriend so soon. I know I need to give some time, but how long should I wait. As it's killing me just thinking about it.
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (15 June 2009):
 SHE IS STILL LIVING WITH HIM?
O dude, just give it up...she will never be away from him...She will pull you into unwanted drama. I wish you would have mentioned that earlier because my advice will change drastically....
you have now assumed the role of patsy. She cant possible be broken up with him in any real sense if she is still living under his roof....to think otherwise is ludicrous. If you decide to go through with it, just be prepared to get a lot of drama, and possible a threat if not a physical attack from this other guy.....do you really want that drama?
For from what you have just said in your reply, you cant be sure if she is being honest with you OR HIM. Everyone gives advice based on what info you give us. This is a major piece to omit in your original post.
ITS DONE! DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was originally planning to tell her how I felt before it all happened. But it's justs thrown it in the air to put it one way. And to make matters a little bit more complicated, due to her circumstances she's still living with him. As she can't move back in with her family due to them emigrating 2 years ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): I can understand what a lot of people are saying when they tell you that you have to wait etc and I agree that the whole situation will really depend on her. Having said that I will relate some of my experience to you in the hope it will help. I met my wife a week after she broke up with her first love (she had been with him for over 4 years but had never lived together). I didn't know her before hand but she was obviously ready to move on as she pursued me and we basically started our relationship straight away. I won't lie and say that it was all smooth sailing as I had to endure the ex hanging around like a bad smell for a bit (break up talks etc) and it still pisses me off to this day that he has intruded on our relationship. I also have to admit that I had doubts due to the "rebound theory" but to counter that I knew pretty well straight away that this was the girl I wanted to marry. Anyway as it turned out he got the hint pretty quickly (he, like you say the fella you are dealing with is, was a dick head who cheated on her and treated her disrespectfully etc) and we have been married for 13 years and together 16 with 4 kids and we are still very much in love. Unfortunately you can't always choose the circumstances that you meet someone under or the baggage they come with. If this is the right girl for you and you treat her with respect I can't see why this relationship can't work.
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 You will need to wait as long as it will take her to tell you she is ready for a deeper relationship noone can put a timeframe on that. In the meantime maintain the contact and continue being her friend. She already knows you have fallen for her so let her work through it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Well, she's going through troubles with her primary relationship and if you turn out to be the rebounder you'll be history soon enough. Let her ask for you if she needs you. Perhaps she just wanted to use you to make the other guy commit after five years of being together. If you force her she'll be gone and if you go slow you may lose her too but you have no control in this situation.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (14 June 2009):
Kiwi brings up a very good point.....tread carefully.Look at it this way, young man:She was with him for 5 years. For anyone that is a HUGE chunk of a life. It appears that your obvious feelings for her may have had a hand in it(the breakup, either she has feelings for you or used your attentions as a springboard). And this seems to be what you want...BUTThat history between them also means that she wont be able to wipe that away, especially so soon. So consider that if you want this relationship, that you will have to deal with her fresh memories of her breakup, her second guessing herself in at least one situation(maybe she will compare nosehairs and it will remind her of him..etc.) Who's to say that she isn't gonna go running back to this guy the first time you have had a disagreement? Because he will ALWAYS BE AROUND!You need to take this as slow as it can go, because if you dont, you are gonna get the shit end of the stick.
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A
female
reader, baby_tinney +, writes (14 June 2009):
 Be there for her as her friend for now.Since they was together for so long right now a friend is what she needs as well as time.If she likes you she will let you know when she is ready to move on then you will be there but untill then just be there for her.
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A
female
reader, HappyHeidi +, writes (14 June 2009):
You have to wait at least a few months if you really want to have any chance for this to work. This is coming from someone who was engaged a few years ago (the relationship was a little over 3 years, living together for 2 1/2 of them). Even though it was a huge relief after we broke up and it felt so right for it to be over, I personally wasn't ready for a real relationship until a while down the road.
It's probably much more personalized then that depending on age and life situation but thats just my 2 cents, good luck
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