A
male
age
51-59,
*ackVane
writes:My wife of 6 years is not interested in sex. In all other respects our relationship is excellent. We get on really well with no arguments or disagreements, and are each other's best friends. But since day one she has had a low sex drive, and shown no interest in sex. On the rare occations that she agrees to have sex, she makes it very difficult with her negative attitude towards the whole process. I have asked many times if there is anything that I can do differently to help get her in the mood, and have followed the comments that she has made with no effect. I'm at my wits end and considering leaving her. I'm not the kind of guy who could cheat on her. My own sex drive is high, but I've never been overly demanding and feel that I have done all that I can to help resolve the issue. I don't believe that sex is by any means the most important part of a loving relationship, but it certainly should be part of it! The more ofthen that she rejects my advances, on the grounds of tiredness ofr disinterest, the more I feel unloved and unwanted. Leaving her would be agony itself, and I have low expectations of finding alternative sexual opportunites elswhere, but I'm getting close to taking that chance. What should I do?
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best friend, in the mood, not interested in sex, sex drive, unloved Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): At some point you will have to be responsible for you own needs. Yes she should be responsive, but if she has not done so by now.... well you get the picture. Now let me throw you a curve ball. What after a few more years of pain, she tells you or you find out she wants to be with someone other than you. Now you have been suffering, but now she comes alive sexually for some other dude.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Jack,I'm no expert and am having my own issues with this, although in a different way, but I came across a book that might help. It's called "Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together" by Tammy Nelson. She deals with how to talk about your issues and how the issue (for your wife) might have started - her needs/losses from her own family.Like I said, I haven't yet read it myself but plan to do so. You might want to look into it before you do something you will both regret and pain over for a very long time. I've never cheated before but I have been divorced before and it isn't a fun road.Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, TheIdeaMan  +, writes (2 August 2009):
Hey Jack,I too am in the exact same position you are... and believe me it's damned frustrating. I Love my wife of 21 years, and I'm old fashioned in that I have never cheated, nor do I believe in doing so. I gave my word to her on that special day and I don't believe in breaking my word. I can say that out of 15 years of marriage before I retired from the Air Force, I was away for over 9.5 of them. And, believe it or not, I didn't cheat. Had several special opportunities to do so, but I said No. My wife initially was almost insatiable, loving, caring, and quite the imaginative one when it came to our sex life. Once kids came into the picture, that changed a little. When she wanted more kids though, the heels, nylons, dresses, negligee's, and secret getaways all came out full bore. After that though she said she wasn't interested in sex anymore. She gained weight with the kids, but now it's gotten worse. Always an excuse for not dieting, exercising, or making healthy meals at home. In fact I do most of the cooking at home now. If I don't, we end up eating out because the kids are complaining about being hungry. She dresses like the women she works with now, most over the age of 55, all in less than attractive clothes and after work or on days off, T-shirts, shorts, and sweats. The heels are collecting dust in the closet now, over 60 pair, she wears only about three to five pair of old womans shoes and sandals and flip flops. What happened? You tell me. I actually feel a bit used by the whole escapade in that now I'm supposed to accept this as normal.I've brought this up with her on many occasions. I tried being gentle, easy, understanding, and just plain sad about how we don't "Make Love" anymore. For her, it's usually something like "you want sex tonight?" And like you, that just doesn't turn me on anymore. After returning from over 15 months in Iraq back in Dec 2005, I spent over two years trying to rekindle our relationship. Flowers, quiet nights out, no kids around, secret getaways to a classy hotel suite after her office Christmas party. Her answer was "I feel like I have to perform." The next morning at about 7 AM, she wanted to go shopping with her mother. Our city was shut down with nearly a foot of snow overnight and she and her mom wanted to go shopping. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. That's the night it all started to die for me. Even now I can tell it's just an act most of the time, like a job for her to do. I've kept myself in good shape all these years until this last year after our hotel fiasco. Now I just don't care anymore. For me, I have four kids, two still at home to think about. I have to give them a solid home until they get out on their own. If you don't have kids, or they're no longer living at home, then you can start living for yourself again. If your wife doesn't want to join you in this new adventure, then find someone with your same interest in living life to the fullest, no matter what the age, and have fun being happy... I wish you the best of luck mate...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): Jack, I hate to say this, because I believe women need to realize how important sex is for a man, but I must say in this case because she has had no sex drive from day one I don’t think there is anything to be done. When you get into a relationship with someone you are accepting them “as is”. We don’t get to change them later. In a perfect world I believe she should have more sex with you. But because she has no sex drive from the beginning, you have made an agreement to have less sex when you began a committed relationship with her. It’s not right for her to say you want too much sex because she knew that. But it’s also not right to say she wants too little cause you knew that too. If she is your best friend and leaving her would be agony I hope you don’t because I really believe you won’t find another her. You may find someone who is willing to have a little more sex but you will have lost everything else you have now. Our spouses are not just lovers but partners, friends, spiritual advisers, allies, and the other half of us. You seem to have all that in her. So I would hope you can 1) accept her as is 2) talk to her as one friend talking to another about needs. Not wants, needs. Women tend to see sex as a want. Men see it as a need. If you can express that the lack of sex is like not being feed or not being able to drink and that the hunger and thirst is all consuming, I hope she might give it more than a passing thought. I know that might seem like sharing too much but for a woman, she needs the words. Women needs lots of words to sort of draw them a map to the spot they need to be at. Women need persuading. Not begging or guilt. But I guarantee you she DOES NOT understand sex as a need for you. Draw her a map. Talking about it while you are trying to get sex won’t work. We think men will say anything to get sex. If you are uncomfortable, write her a letter. Letters touch women in amazing ways. No matter what the subject. I know it’s hard but think of it as fighting for her. Keep fighting for your partner so she doesn’t lose you.
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A
male
reader, PD  +, writes (18 June 2009):
Please don't mind I being straight. Could it be she don't enjoy sex in the past? When two you had sex after marriage, did she get the satisfaction she deserved? Of was she left in pain and unfulfilled arousal because of your lack of proper techniques? (Sorry for such strong words, but I just try to figure out if this is a possibility why she resent sex.) If such could/might be true, why not find out techniques in foreplay (both in speech and act), more sexual positions that can help her orgasm, or even other taboos (toys, clothes, etc) that can arouse her to be "wet enough" before penetration. And not just that. If you are the type that "cum" fast, learn how to continue bringing her to orgasm thereafter. Sincerely wish you solve this problem.
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male
reader, JackVane +, writes (14 June 2009):
JackVane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI greatly appreciate your kind and considered replies. Thanks!
BabyDuck - yes! My wife and I are very affecionate towards one another, with hugs and kisses and "I love you"s all the time. I have told her that I am concerned about this, but she thinks it's not a problem, no matter how I express my feelings.
Your Friend - I know without asking that she would never agree to seeking advice from a therapist. She finds it difficult to speak to anyone about 'personal' issues, even her own doctor.
Steve S. Thanks! - My wife assures me that she does still find me attractive! I'm 37, all my own hair and teeth, I've lost a few stone and am in the best shape I've been for years! She does suffer from depression occationally - but mainly to do with work related issues - she tells me that once she ends her working day - I cheer her up!
anonymous - I'm sorry to hear that things turned out badly for you in a similar situation. I love my wife very much and do so hope that I can help to resolve the issue and therefore avoid hurting her. I am a painfuly honest bloke with a cear understanding of how the world works, with it's ups and downs, and take it's dissapointments, heartbreaks and disasters in my stride, with a smile on my face and an optomistic approach. My wife would simply fall apart, and I'd truly hate that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): I too have a very low sex drive and my husband tried everything. In the end he could stand it no longer, had an affair and eventually left. I personally had no idea that sex was so important in a relationship. I was devastated when he left but can now accept and see why he did. I can only suggest talking to our wife about how important this is for you and give her the chance to change. I have been told that there is medication out there which does actually give you some kind of libido. Suggest this to her and if she will not go to the doctors then you know she is not really interested in sorting this out. I wasn't and it turned out very badly for me.
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male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (14 June 2009):
 You sound like a caring and loving husband I'm glad you shared this with us as there are too many negative images of husbands. I agree with what babyduck and KiwiiTOS have said.I think Kiwiitos is right, sit down and tell her exactly what you have just told us but create the right moment. If that doesn't help seek advice from a therapist (for youself only at this stage) to get professional advice they have dealt with similar issues hundreds of time.
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