A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Quick question, I have been having issues with a new girl I met after a really romantic weekend, and when I tried to talk to her, I get these phrases when we tried to talk on Monday (the day after). I'd sent her a few messages on Facebook, sent a text or two, called and sent an email...* I need you to please give me some space!!!! I'm not rushing into anything.* You need to chill out! I'll forgive you but please take 10 steps back.* I told you I needed time to process...* I do like you, but if you can't give me space I guess that leaves me with no other option then to have no more contact.Then, when I asked her about when she'd try to contact me again, she says this...* I don't know. I don't have a "schedule". Please just chill!!!I need help with this. How should I play my cards? Should I say nothing, wait a week, or just give it up and move on. I have fallen head over heels with her, but it's like everything has changed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1: Thanks for the recommendation. At this point, I'll see if I can find it and learn a thing or too.
I couldn't help it, and didn't think it would hurt. I was obviously wrong. The thing is we'd been talking, texting, and emailing back and forth ... and then nothing.
Maybe it's the fact the something I loved to do -- talk to her at many times during the day on end -- was gone and I was all too willing to try and get it back. Although it takes two to have a conversation, perhaps my persistence became poison.
I should have known better at my age, but I got caught with everything that has happened since Sunday and let my self-control just got out the window.
I *really* liked this woman, and my actions more than contributed to things going south.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2009):
 Sorry for the situation turning out as it did. You just couldn't resist, could you? (the facebook message, I mean) I'm not really blaming you, it sounds as though the two of you would have been incompatible anyway. She had one expectation and you had another. As no compromise was possible, it was doomed. Sorry.
I'm not trying to be mean here but do take a look at yourself and just test that you weren't too clingy, okay? It may be that she's a raving neurotic with no common sense and that's why she went *poof* but there usually is an interaction between two people and your pressing on for contact after she specifically asked you not to contact her is a bit of a worry for me. Just hang back a little bit. Pressing too much too fast too fiercely can be taken as desperation, and that's usually a turn off to people. (Trust me, I've been on the "too" side myself.)
I occasionally mention this old book that helped me over 15 years ago, I have never had any feedback on it, which could be bad, or perhaps it's good, who knows, but for what it's worth, it is called "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills PhD. I am not related to the author in any way, nor is there any financial consideration for me in this recommendation. It is purely a personal one. This book helped keep me on track and NOT become the usual clingy, somewhat desperate, smothering person that I so often did in the past. It might help you, it certainly is not expensive if you buy it used.
It predates facebook and that kind of social networking but I think should still be relevant to dating today.
I hope you don't spend too much time worrying about this, and that you move on and find a woman who is truly compatible with you!
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt looks like everything is over and buried. I'm off her Facebook page...The funny thing is that I looked at it last night, and she was going to participate in a race, so I wished her, "good luck, and hope her and kids are well..."I didn't think I was committing a crime.That seemed to do it.Thanks for the support. I have no idea what I did, but she really wanted to be rid of me, and future was not going to be bright anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1: I don't think she felt like was burdened -- in fact, a lot of the kissing, intimacy, and making out, I followed her lead.
I never wanted to jump into anything, but it just happened.
Yeah, I am on day two of this, but I'm trying to soldier on. Thank God for friends, sports, and the gym. I guess I tried to reason over the past few days, but there may be no recourse right now.
I'm just going to be patient. I hope after the time this weekend, and helping her out, I hope she comes around and sees the person I am.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2009):
That sounds like a good plan for now. The hard part is controlling your urge to contact her. You can do it, I know, so just be patient. And by all means, go out on dates with other women, don't stay home!
And Q, yes, in ink.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Absolutely. It sounds like you have it figured out. BELIEVE ME YOU WILL BE OK^^-g
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Sorry the address copied wrong, but frankly all your clues are in your original threadhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/things-went-welluntil-she-blocked-me-on-facebook.htmlHer words were:"not sure if having an open heart is or good or not". She needs time to decipher her emotions...she has made it very clear.2. She is a nine year divorcee, so she will be careful with a new relationship3. She has kids. That means the weight of the responsibility of motherhood (single motherhood), and she will most likely place her kids before even her own needsIf ever she is ready she will come to you; it can't be the other way around. You either decide to wait for her or you move on. That's your only choice. Take care of yourself in the meantime. Try to travel if you can...there is nothing like a new place and new people to make you feel better and give you some peace of mind. Bye now-g
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not texted, emailed or called her. I got the message, seriously.
I'd like her in my life, but I will not do anything to risk it. I understand if I contact her, she'll even get more frustrated; therefore, I'll just lay low and not engage with her.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2009):
A few facebook messages, a text or two (twelve?), phone call and email to you is not enough contact. For her, right now, right at this point in her life and in this developing relationship, this is too much. And she's telling you.
I have a feeling you are giving off clingy vibes and what may have felt like a romantic weekend to you felt like a long swim underwater, holding her breath the entire time, to her. It's possible for two people to spend a weekend together, doing the exact same things and spending all their time together and come out of it with two completely different stories about it.
For example, my husband LOVES projects on the weekend. I'd prefer to sit around, do the New York Times crossword, maybe whip up a frittata or an omelet, just chill. So if I get my way, and we laze around all weekend and have some nice meals, he thinks we've wasted the entire weekend and is absolutely miserable to be with by Sunday afternoon. If he gets his way, I'm running to Home Depot twice, scraping my fingers while sanding something that probably should just have been thrown away, peeling spackle and paint off my skin at the end of the day and wonder why my face feels so dry and tense. He's as happy as a clam, while he's tending the bleeding knuckles he's somehow scraped and then we spend Sunday afternoon/evening running through the 'got done' list and walking around looking at our handiwork. The same weekend and two completely different takes on it....
You may have had a very intense experience and got very intimate and she is simply not comfortable with that yet. She may want to just kick back and chill out and not have to be accountable to anyone just yet. Chill, dude, you're going to push her right away. Do NOT send flowers, no cards, no emails, just let her be for now. It's out of your hands, unless you are prepared to push her right out of your life by being too impatient and trying to rush things.
Different speeds, different perspectives, different takes. This is not a bilateral negotiation, this is a unilateral withdrawal from the scene and it is permitted under dating rules. She sets the speed for now, okay. Your cards stay snugly tucked into your pocket, you do not play anything, you leave her be. Don't even tell her you will leave her alone for the time being--she's waiting for you to figure that out.
Patience, man, patience. Don't pick out the wedding china yet, or even book the next romantic weekend. She's weirded out, give her time to work through it.
Do you have a good platonic female friend? Put her on phone duty for you. Whenever you feel the need to reach out to your love interest, call her instead. Talk to her about your feelings for this woman, maybe she'll have some insight for you. This way, you'll have reached someone on the other end, and won't be too tempted to call your love interest.
Good luck with this. Patience. That's your new mantra.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get the message. I am doing nothing at all, and won't. I cannot spend my time waiting for something that may never happen...
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
Maybe she just thinks it's going to fast. Do you know of she has other things in her life at the moment?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is everyone, we had texted often -- sometimes multiple times per day, and we chatted on the phone, plus on the net...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): is this you?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/things-went-welluntil-she-blocked-me-on-facebook.htmThe sad thing about people is that they are rarely at the same place at the same time. When one gets there and generates some emotion, the other lags behind, and if the latter catches up...the first will have moved on and not look back. Time is too precious and time rarely does anybody any favors. So I think it's time for you to move on and live your life as best you can and let people live theirs as they see fit. If they want to be with you they will let you know. If not it was never meant to be. That's the sobering truth...Take care, ok? -g
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male
reader, xnickx +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Yes... id have to say she's made it very clear she wants you to back off. After "I need you to please give me some space!!!! I'm not rushing into anything", you should have listened. Obviously this woman has no problems communicating, and knowing what she wants. You need to respect these wishes if you want to get anywhere with her.She said she likes you. Either it was sincere, or she just said it to get you to stop contacting her. In either case, I’d let her make the next move. Respect her wishes and don’t contact her, let her initiate something. If she does like you then she will contact you when she is ready. If she doesn’t contact you for a while, sorry to say, she is more than likely not interested. Time to move on.Good luck.
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female
reader, Louise-uk +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Hello.She seems quite rude. 'She'll forgive you'? For what? Showing an interest? Don't contact her any more until you hear back. You might feel the urge to text her, but don't. Wait for her now. Good luck !
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2009):
Wait for her to contact you now. She's told you she likes you, but maybe she has other things she has to deal with first. Wait for her to get back to you now. If she hasn't after three or four weeks, then move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): You need to give her that space. Wait a week or two then send her a friendly, brief email. Keep it on a "friend" level and just ask her how she's doing.I know you're crazy about her, but trust me, not contacting her is the very best thing you can do right now.
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