A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've made such a horrible mess out of my life.6 months ago I had a job that I loved, a beautiful home, a fiance and a dog.Now, I reside in my mothers house, broke, single and dogless.Most people would have picked themselves up by now but I've been in a state of panic, confusion and depression,It's a daily struggle just to get off the couch (this is because I don't have a bed, or a closet or even a room).How did I get here?I made a choice to not to move across the country with my fiance, so we broke up.I chose to leave a job that I worked so hard to get and absolutely loved for another job, which was supposed to be better and make me happy; it didn't so I quit.I couldn't find a home of my own where I lived, so I had to move back to my hometown. The job I left my dream job for paid more money and was supposed to help me pay my bills. Things were happening so fast and I didn't have time to breathe, and was watching my relationship fall apart?So what now?Let's go back to June 2008, the first time I cheated on my fiance. I was amazed by him. His wit, his humour, the way he made me feel. Ironically he looked just like my former fiance, but with ambition and intellect. He was a cad, and there was nothing between us.I thought that would be it. Once would be enough, but we slept together 4x after that. I also slept with my best friend over a course of 3 days, meanwhile my poor fiance that was at his wits end because I wasn't sleeping with him and all romance had disappeared and the intimacy was all but gone. He was trying and I kept pushing him away and now, I've lost him forever because I didn't appreciate what I had.He cheated on me four years ago and fathered a child, he remained faithful to me since then and worked very hard to make our relationship what it once was. I was so consumed with my hurt and anger that I allowed myself to behave in such a heinous way and pushed him to the point that he packed his bags and left me.I cry all the time, I look around in disbelief and despair and ask myself "How did I get here?" The answer is always the same because "you're a selfish bitch that wanted everything and lost it all." It's a tough pill to swallow, and I don't think that I'm ever going to find that kind of passionate love again. I treated my ex like shit, like he had no feelings, like he was always going to be there. I took him for granted I figured that I could dish out anything because he owed me. I forgot that he was hurting too, that he had feelings, and he wanted us to work more than I did. I became so miserable because I couldn't let it go.How did I get here?Erratic choices that I've made and now I feel stuck. My soul has no feeling,my heart is shattered and I look at myself as the most horrific human being that ever walked. You hear stories about these kind of girls, and I became one. I had a good man, and didn't know it until my good man became someone elses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I thought I'd be better now. I've been wanting to end our relationship for ages now, and I stayed for all the wrong reasons.
I'm angry that he did the one thing I never had the courage to do, and now I sit here full of regret and remorse.
I hope that I get through this and become better and find someone who's ok with me or maybe I'm expecting too much.
As for work, I'm hoping to get some soon and find some kind of normalacy again.
Thanks and I hope your business works out? What kind is it?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
On Christmas Even last year, I lost my job. I've just gone self employed, and it has been a depressing long 10 months inbetween all that where I felt like the most useless person on earth. Of course, I now know it was just my state of mind.
And It's the same for you.
Right now, everything has fallen apart. One thing has led to another, which has led to another and it's all become too much for you.
Your fiance cheated and fathered a child with another woman. I don't blame you AT ALL for being very angry and hurt. You obviously hadn't gotten over it, so seeked comfort with other men because they made you feel loved again. But neither was Mr Right.
And your fiance wasn't either. If he had been, he wouldn't have cheated and you would have been able to forgive him fully even if he had.
As for your work, sometimes in life, we have to take a chance, or we have to make hard choices that may or may not work out. I don't know if my company will be successful yet. If it is, I'll be fine. If not, then I'll be broke. That's the chance. You took the chance to get another job, and this time it didn't pay off. So now you have to take another chance and start again. I know it all looks like crap at the moment, but you can rebuild this. I would recommend seeing a therapist, because I think you are suffering from depression and you need to get all your feelings out in the open with someone who can help you understand them. You are not heinous, or horrific at all. You are a woman who was hurt, didn't get over it and made some choices that didn't work you. Comepared to someone like Hitler, you're an angel. So forgive yourself, talk to someone who can help you and start over. You'll get there, but you need to give yourself some time and love. All the best.
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