A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is a brief paragraph of my situation. My ex and I broke up this month after a year relationship. We had a huge fight during a trip right before (this is our first huge fight, we were basically ignoring each other during the trip). When we got back, he said it obviously does not work out. I tried to explain and he realized that he did not give me much attention recently. And the relationship with me was not his top priority. Then he said sorry and left. We have not contacted each other in any way since then.But right after we broke up, a day later, he signed up on dating sites. I was very angry he moved on so I signed up those sites too. I did not contact him or look at his profile. He still has some other important stuff of mine at his place. I have no idea when he is going to contact me. But I do not want to talk to him to seem needy, which I know it will make things worse. Looking back and thinking about this relationship. What I realized is that I made mistake in the relationship as well. I was trying to hard and nagging a lot in the last few months. Other than that, our relationship is quite compatible in all other aspects. We have similar interested and we enjoy similar things and have similar life goals. Therefore, I would like to give this a second chance. Please help me, what can I do to get my cat back but also not seem too desperate. Obviously he has been looking for new women like crazy. What if he finds someone else soon? What should I say if he asks me to pick up my cat because he has moved on?I am so upset about myself now, that is why I need your help to not make mistakes again. Thank you very much.
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): I agree with curious, get your cat back! Then worry about the rest of it later.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 About the cat : I think he is surely going to call you, he would not be leaving for 3 weeks leaving to poor cat by itself would he ? Wait a few days and if he has not called e-mail him and arrange cat pick up by e-mail . Send a friend to get your cat, or to accompany you and get the cat together. This will help you keeping it " strictly business " .
About getting the bf back ; don't be impulsive, and use the 3 weeks he is away to let your emotions cool off a bit and think well about things. It may have not been the best relationship for you, since a) you had to nag him to get his attention b) he was so fast to break up after your first and only fight c ) he signed on dating sites the day after.
When he's back , if you still want him, then contact him and tell him honestly you'd like to give it a second try, you have realized that if you make some changes it can work etc. etc. He may say yes, he may say no, but you will not look needy and clingy as you would if you start engineering a reunion right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Have a list handy of all things you want back and send an email or leave him a telephone message when you expect he's not home. Offer to have a friend or family member pop round to pick them up, cat included, either with you or instead of you. Just make sure whomever you bring (or send) can be trusted to remain cordial and detached. The last thing you need is someone crusading on your behalf. If you keep it cordial but brief you won't sound needy and you'll be less likely to provoke a confrontation or become emotional. He already knows you're hurt and might be himself so there is no reason to get into discussion or put on a facade.You don't know what will happen months down the road. People end relationships, date someone new, then end up back in the old relationship all the time. This site is host to countless questions from people who have done it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Maybe the space and a change of scenery will give you both a greater appreciation for one another.
...............................
A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (10 September 2011):
You've got some good advice here so I'm just going to focus on your cat, who I assume you love very much? Get your cat back ASAP and don't worry about crying in front of him...what if he gives your cat away or sends it to the pound or something? Get your cat back as soon as possible especially before he goes away for 3 weeks. Play it as cool as you can - no fighting or accusations or trying to work things out UNTIL YOU GET YOUR CAT!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): thank you for your answer. I am the kind of person showing my true emotions and I am afraid I cant help crying when I see him :( I hate myself about this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2011):
 IF he asks you to come around and pick up your cat, I suggest that you do so.... BUT, make sure you have a friend accompany you when you go to his place.....
Then, once you're home with your feline friend.... have a glass of your favorite wine.... and sit back and ruminate on how this (the breakup) is not so bad, after all.... and then get on with your life....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 September 2011):
 You cat is clearl very important to you. Do not be afraid to contact your ex about this in a nice manner. Arrange a time that is suitable, bring a friend with you to be a witness and bring a cat container. Early morning would be good as the cat will want to be fed and so will be there for sure.
You want to give him a second chance so collecting the cat needs to be as amicable as possible. He may even like the cat around, and see you taking the cat as your 'last stand' in the relationship. So be nice to him. Keep it light and pleasant. Thank him for the care he has given the cat. Look him straight in the face and ask if he would like to meet you for coffee alone to talk things through in a few days time? That tells him he still has a chance too. And hints that you might like a second chance too.
Communication has to improve if there is a next time with each other. Since Ostracism (ignoring) is not an effective communication tool. Silence occasionally can be tactful (he is telling the same old story to someone new) I tolerate it, so as not to betray my irritation at having to listen to it again. In private of course I would rib him for forgetting he already told me that story before. Nagging and going over and over and over again is not good though. It is important to respect each other's limits of endurance in some issues and leave them for another day. Or get back on track to not being impatient or not going on and one about an issue already resolved in the mind of the partner.
And I guess you would not have known he had signed up on dating sites if you had not been curious to see who had signed up. Yes it was disappointing, but when people's emotions are raw they often do things in the heat of the moment that they regret later.
When you go around to pick up the cat make sure you are smelling very good, hair just washed, killer jeans and cute but not too revealing top. Nice shoes.
And when you meet him for coffee make sure you look divine, smell divive, and greet him with a kiss and be relaxed. High heels, cute skirt, smelling divine. Be as classy as whoever is your Style idol and as head turning as the most ladylike classy lady you can think of. Lady like is the key. Guys might like the opposite in bed, but in public guys are more envious of a girlfriend who is a lady in public.
If you want him back make sure you have also assembled a list of what he means to you and why you love him and all the things you really enjoy about him. Be ready to tell him when you meet him for coffee. Maintain good eye contact. Find an opportunity to not too obviously brush his hand in passing as you talk. Disarm him with your charm
If he refuses the coffee invitation then write him a long letter explaining all the things you love about him etc as detailed above. The things you would have told him to his face, remind him in the letter, if the two of you had met for coffee. Hopefully he will accept the coffee invite :)
Good luck with this problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): If you want your cat back, just send him an e-mail or call him but keep it strictly about your cat, just very business like.If you want to talk about the relationship and ask him to give you a second chance, then again, contact him and say that you are sorry and want to try again, and will work on your issues that led him to want to leave you. Maybe wait awhile before you contact him, so that you can *really* think about what you had contributed that led to the break up. If you contact him immediately, it sounds like you haven't really thought things through you're just desperate and clingy. But if you wait awhile and really use that time to think things through, then when you contact him you'll be in better position to explain yourself and why you feel he should give you a second chance.He's the one being desperate. I mean, sheesh a day after breaking up already he's on dating sites looking for other women? This guy is really afraid to be alone isn't he. He sounds like someone who must have a relationship, who's afraid to be alone even for one second. This makes him look very weak. Are you sure you want him back??
...............................
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (10 September 2011):
How do you know he signed up for the sites?
If he left as easy as he did, it seems like he was just looking for an out. I know - it's painful. The same thing just happened to me and now that a month has passed I realized I was the one always making the effort , being "needy" by wanting to spend time together. But now that I have a month and clarity - I realize it IS for the best. We all deserve someone excited to be with us! If he finds someone new right away on a dating site - then that's it. He was not meant to be and just think - your REAL future partner is out there somewhere. Get over this guy who didn't value you like gold and go find someone who will think you are so special he doesn't want to be without you.
Xoxo
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): what if he calls me soon and ask me to pick up my cat or arrange some friends to deliver my stuff?
Should I answer the call? I have a feeling he has to call next week since he is going out of this country for 3 weeks business trip.
I donot want to see him because I will not be able to stop crying in front of him. It still hurts a lot.
If I ignores him, does that mean I will never get my cat back?
Advice please!
...............................
|
