A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy who was at uni and we had a long distance relationship for over 2 years. It was my first love and despite being brought up to believe sex was for marriage, i thought we'd be together forever so i let it happen but also cos i was pressured. Then i found out he'd cheated and we broke up for a year.I suffered alot emotionally having given away the most special thing and as a result i didn't want to date anyone else cos i was ashamed to tell anyone else in case my sisters or other family found out.We got back 6 months ago but this time i've decided i need to be ready emotionally and really i'd rather wait until marriage or at least engagement. We talked this over before we got back and he was ok with it but now he says he can't cope without a physical relationship. We can;t even kiss without him undressing me. How far can I go with him to please him a little without losing him? Or should I forget it in case he cheats again? I'm so emotional feeling inadequate to him now but i always knew i was never ready because of my upbringing. Please help
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male
reader, Blue Rat +, writes (27 March 2007):
Have sex or don't have sex because it's what YOU want to do. Your parents have imposed their ideas and their morals upon you. Okay, that's fine - most parents do that to a greater or lesser extent and I'm sure they did what they thought best. But you're old enough to make up your own mind now about what YOU want. What feels right for YOU.
And secondly, don't see any kind of sexual act as a favour you are doing for your partner, almost like one of the household chores. Oh, it's Wednesday, that means I need to do the laundry and give my boyfriend a hand job.
Have sex only because you want to, because you enjoy it and because it feels great! Not because you feel obligated. You don't have sex FOR someone, you have it WITH them. Stop seeing it as a service you have to provide. If you don't want to do it then don't do it. If you do want to, then do it and have fun. You'll both enjoy it a lot more that way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): From your letter, it sounds like you are putting your own needs, wants and feelings aside for a man who doesn't love you enough to wait untill marriage to have sex with you. After all, this is such an important, life changing decision that houldn't occur if your not 100% certain about it. This man has cheated on you once before and you sound like a woman who dearly loved this man to have given him a second chance after betraying you. Your boyfriend should be grateful that you forgave him for what he done instead of pressurising you into such an important decision. I would talk to your boyfriend about the immense pressure you feel he is placing on you but if he feels he cna't have a relationship with you unless it's physical then you should find yourself someone who loves you as much as you love him. it is time this boyfriend of yours starting respecting your personal decision and belief. As for your upbringing, I understand this must have made a huge impact on how you feel about sex after marriage but I wouldn't let the fact that your boyfreind cheated on you effect this. Many families have their own ideas on how they wish their children to be in relationships and if sex after marriage is what YOU want and not just what your parents want then I am for it. I wish you the best of luck in wahtever your decision is. Just remember that physical relationships should only occur in a relationship where there is love, trust and respect.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 March 2007):
 I think this person does not deserve your trust, faith and love. He has proven, by his actions, that his needs, opinions and desires will always come before yours. He is not being a Partner in the truest sense of the word. If you stay with him, he will always expect to get his own way (unless he changes). He is demonstrating his unwillingness to change by undressing you every time you see him. The reason you feel torn is because you are going against your own feelings in this matter. You feel ashamed, saying that you have gone against your upbringing, and you don't want your family to know. You must feel very alone because of all this. You have done absolutely Nothing to be ashamed of. What you did, at the time, you did out of love! After you slept with him, you were disappointed and betrayed by his unfaithfulness. Everyone has disappointments in love, but we learn from them. The thing that you should learn from this is that you are happy only when you are true to yourself within a relationship. He wants you to change yourself and your beliefs for his own sexual gratification. I'm sorry that you are so unhappy and I hope that this might help you find your way. Take Care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): hun, you can't let this guy order you around. If you want to wait till marriage, then stick to that. If he truly cares about you, he will respect that decision. He should be the one bending over backwards to please you - hes the one who cheated! He should be thankful that you took him back, not trying to ask for more.
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