A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do people keep from letting their heartache effect them? Better yet, how do people NOT have heartache?I know alot of scientist types... and I love their logic and how organized they are compared to me, but the thing I envy the most is how they are able to just ignore their emotions!!! No matter how hard I try, my emotions consume me, especially when it is pain. There are many things I do to cope, but I look at people who have been hurt and they seem fine. I know that they are probably hurting on the inside, but how do they not let it effect their lives?When I hurt, its all I can think about. I can stray from this at times when I stay busy, but there is always something that I see or hear that reminds me of the pain and it cripples me once again. I try and ignore it because people around me just can't understand why I am so emotional. I would rather deal with those feelings on my own then to put them out in the open and have someone roll their eyes at me.Right now, I'm going through a rough time and I am really devastated by the happenings in my life, and I feel like I have no one to turn to. I think about sharing, but I know it is a terrible idea. I wish I could just turn these emotions off. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 One more advice. If you are afraid to share with a person in real life, try to write to dearcupid, or another online forum, and share your story. Writing about it also helps. It helps to put words to your thoughts.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 October 2013):
"but the thing I envy the most is how they are able to just ignore their emotions!!!"
They aren't ignoring their emotions, most likely they just never felt that deeply for something in the first place. Some people need a loooong time to feel things for another. My friend's boyfriend didn't tell her he loved her until they had been together for over a year! Whereas my ex boyfriends have told me they loved me after a few months! One ex proposed to me after 4 months! While it was rushed, I still believe he thought he did love me that much, and his feelings were strong without having known me that long. While others need more time.... And if there is a break-up before they have gotten attached, then they wont feel too bad about it.
But for most part, people are just good actors. They PRETEND to not be bothered, because crying in public isn't considered cool. They bottle it up, and then they go home and cry alone, without witnesses. Or they get drunk (self medication) or mask their pain in other ways. Or they release their pain doing something else, you don't just have to cry to show it, I hear punching a boxing bag also helps. Crying is a mechanism that shows your are reacting strongly to something. But others can also have this strong feeling without needing to cry. And you might not see/know what they do instead.
But for most part, people keep it a secret, that's all. They put on a mask and pretend to be fine.
" I try and ignore it because people around me just can't understand why I am so emotional."
They don't understand, they can't read your mind, and not everyone are emphatic. Because you aren't sharing, how can they know why you feel the way you feel? And without having gone through the same, or without having sufficient knowledge about such situations as yours, they wont know how that affects you.
I'm seeing a sort-of therapist at the moment (we just talk, not going into analysis or treatment). I explain to him too that people don't understand when I feel sad. I have my good days and bad days, and people always seem to need a reason before they are willing to accept that I have a bad day. As if I am not allowed to feel low unless they think I have a good enough reason. Perhaps that is how you feel too? I am tired of having to explain myself over and over to people, especially if it's not their business I don't want to share with them. My therapist said that this is normal for other people, they aren't in my shoes, and have a hard time understanding my situation. They can only imagine it, they haven't experienced it. To them, something might sound like black and white, easy, simple. But to you, it is different shades of gray, complex, intricate, and not easy at all. They fail to see this, they don't have the right experience in life to recognize.
Like my boyfriend, who's had a pleasant and good upbring with a mom and dad still married and happy, and stability and a decent income... There is no way he will understand where I am coming from with being poor, a mentally unstable and abusive father... It's two different worlds, and no matter how much I talk to him about how it was when I was a child, he can't put himself in my shoes and know how it felt. He can imagine it, right then and there when I tell him. But he can't feel it on his body and skin over several years like I did.
So, the general masses are excused, in a way, for being ignorant of others pain. They can't know. Not because they don't care about you, but because they are incapable of knowing how it is to be you.
I would recommend sharing it with people you trust. It will probably still be difficult to get understanding, but at least it helps them understand a little bit more. It gets easier that way. Talking about things help a lot. If you have any options to see a therapist either for free or low-cost, then jump at the opportunity. The first session is weird and uncomfortable (talking about your innermost secrets with a complete stranger, jikes!), but then it gets a lot better.
...............................
A
female
reader, cupid lover  +, writes (19 October 2013):
I am emotional as well. I think a big part of it may be that you don't have anyone to turn to. Support is important- I truly believe this but I also understand that sometimes you don't want to tell people certain things.I am feeling really down at the moment (especially today) and I can say that it is much harder for me because I am overseas away from home. The thing is I don't trust ANYONE so it makes it super hard even if I were at home.Counselling is a good idea but in my experience make sure you see a really really good one who you are compatible with. I think if they are not giving you the right advice they can do more harm than good.Remember, you are not alone. I just cried in the shower for half an hour about things that happened years ago and that I have no control over. These old things have popped up for no reason inparticular. Do you live near water? I don't know about you, but if I go for a really long walk along some water I feel a lot better about things.Good luck and yes emotions are a part of life. Everyone has them and others just repress them or talk themselves into believing that they are not there and that everything is "perfect".
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 You feel pain for a while and then, it passes. Same thing with happiness, there are times when you are happy and then, it passes. If you are intentionally grinding in the pain, wallowing and revisiting the same feelings over and over again, then you need some counseling. Why not revisit the happiness in your life and allow that to consume you? Because you choose to feel unhappy, over and over again. Why is that? I don't know. You don't have to keep feeling that unhappy all the time.
I know people who have suffered extreme loss. A husband, in the same year as both parents. A wife, to alcoholism. A son. Another son in another family. A miscarriage, and then another miscarriage and then another, to someone who desperately wants to be a mother. Another miscarriage. Beloved pets die. Lots and lots of parents of my friends, now, at my age, are passing away. Friends have cancer or heart disease or diabetes or muscular dystrophy or autism. Alzheimers is claiming some of my family members. It SUCKS!
But all this doesn't cripple me, or my friends or my family. We get up, we go on. It's normal to experience loss and pain and suffering. It's not normal to let it cripple you.
Loss happens in this life. It just does. It's not nice, there's not much good about it, but it shouldn't cripple you. If it is crippling you, then there is something off balance that needs help. Some perspective from a really great counselor could help you realize that there is beauty as well as suffering in this world. It's the norm, you know.
Life is so beautiful and I am so grateful to be here and experience all that I have been fortunate to experience. Even if it is painful and uncomfortable. I am alive and GRATEFUL!
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I am very emotional just like you. There was a time when I used to keep it all bottled in, not letting anyone know what I was feeling. Instead I put on a brave smile, and never cried. Not anymore. I cry while driving if a song certain song comes on. I excuse myself at work and have a good cry in the ladies or out in my car or I take a walk, put on my sunglasses and release the tears. I have two really good friends I can call up anytime to talk to about painful things in my life. Friends like these are rare. They are like me with their emotions so when I share my pain, they also share theirs and somehow the sharing brings solace and healing. I've also channeled my emotions into creativity. Pain is a great catalyst for creating art through writing, painting, acting, music, etc.
I think it is a privilege to feel so deeply. It makes you more empathetic and understanding. It is the basis of kindness. I also think that when we feel intense pain, we are also capable of experiencing great joy in it's purest, sweetest form. A friend of mine once told me in a joking way, that this is what angels want to experience, so they willingly give up heaven and their wings to experience human emotion. I guess he got this concept from the movie, "City of Angels".
To help you cope, seek support either with a good friend, a therapist or group support. It really helps and you realize that you are not alone in how you feel.
Start a pain journal and write about everything that seems painful, ugly and sad.
At the same time start a gratitude journal. Write down things to be thankful for everyday. It could be as simple as seeing a butterfly in your garden or that you got a raise, anything that made you smile or lifted your spirit that day.
Channel your pain into something creative - writing, baking, painting, acting, etc.
Start an exercise regime. This will make you feel better. It could be a team sport or swimming or walking.
Don't rush the healing process. Be patient with yourself and take it one day at a time.
When you are ready, start socializing again. Being around people, connecting, talking...it all helps you to forget your troubles for a while.
At the other side of a painful life experience is incredible strength, wisdom and understanding. It is part of your emotional and spiritual growth. You will become a better person because of it. It may not seem so right now, but one day you will be thankful for all of your life experiences (good and bad), because they will help to shape you into the great person you will become.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Trying to turn off your emotions can have devastating consequences. Especially if that emotion is grief. The best way to deal with it is to let them happen, and if you're going through your day and your emotions threaten to overwhelm you at an inappropriate time (say, at work), then make a deal with yourself that you'll release them at a better time, like at night or somewhere you can do it.
Don't look at your pain as something people roll their eyes with. If you find that you can't cope, talking to a counselor might do you some real good. There is a point where sadness can drop into clinical depression, which is a medical issue like a broken leg or messed-up kidneys.
Normally, the healthy way to deal with grief and sadness is to let them vent, talk to friends and loved ones, and allow your brain to re-balance itself over time. If that re-balancing doesn't happen, talking to someone may in fact help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2013):
Hi there. There is no need to turn your emotions off completely, just that you try and not cry in the office - but go the ladies toilets instead and have a cry there, if you need to.
You don't really want to be WITHOUT your emotions, because then you come across as cold and not caring, so you don't want people to think of you in that way.
It all comes down to attitude.
And by that, I mean our attitude to life and specifically, our attitude to problems.
Often when things go wrong in our lives, it is too easy to get stuck in the problem, to the point where you can't think of anything else.
And this could be a part of what is happening in your life.
We are never going to get through our whole life and have nothing go wrong.
That just doesn't happen in the real world.
And unfortunately, it is the only way we learn some of life's tough lessons.
We all usually need to learn the hard way.
When we find the same thing happening over and over again, it is Life's way of telling us that we need to do things differently.
When something goes wrong for you, then you first swear and curse that it is such a big hassle.
The next thing that needs to happen is, to ask the question - "Okay, this is the problem. What needs to happen now to fix it?"
And as soon as you ask this question, you are already half way to solving it.
PLUS, it takes you out of problem mode - and you then have a clear mind to think with.
If you can give me some more information about exactly what type of problems you are now having, well then we can get much more specific in ways to move forward and helping you to feel better about things.
Strategies you can use, that will give you the control in your life, that you don't feel you have right now.
And it sounds to me, as if you feel this situation is out of control for you.
Well, enough to upset you in any case.
Please when you feel like it, could you be more specific, so I can help you more?
Whatever problems you are having, I am sure we can find ways to deal with it effectively.
I will help you in whatever way I can, I promise you.
Just have faith, that things will get better - sooner, rather than later.
...............................
|
