A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we live together. I love him and trust him. Though, I noticed our computer has been running slow. I did an antivirus run and I found a virus on the computer. I wondered where it came from. So, I looked into the history of our browsers and noticed some websites that weren't familiar. I come to find out that the man I love is looking at gay porn. I feel bad for nosing around, but a little devastated. How do I go about bringing this topic up? Or should I avoid it altogether and pretend I didn't see it? What does this mean about our relationship? My heart sinks the longer I think about it.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 It could just be curiosity. It could be because he's gay. Or it could be a symptom of porn addiction. I'll try to explain how porn addiction could be the cause, in case that's what it is (bear in mind thats only one possible explanation):
It's becoming increasingly common for men who have used high speed internet porn from their early teens to report that they are masturbating to porn that does not fit their sexual orientation. The men that report it are mostly very heavy users of porn, and show various signs of addiction. Meaning it's likely a symptom of porn addiction. Shemale porn is increasingly common too, and is part of this.
These men are not gay (or straight, if they gay and looking at straight porn). Rather they are highly desensitised.
Desensitisation is a symptom of addiction. The more addicted we get to something the more of it we need to get our 'fix'. An alcoholic drinks more, a gambler bets more, a cocaine addict takes more. This is a neurological process that's a normal part of all addiction: our brains need increasing amounts of whatever it is we are addicted to to get the same response.
Porn addiction works the same way as other addictions. If someone goes beyond 'normal porn use' and becomes an addict, they'll find themselves masturbating to more and more porn, for longer and longer periods, just to get the same buzz. At the same time they tend to escalate to harder and harder porn. This is because an element of shock and surprise elevates the addiction response: we feel a more intense high if we are shocked or experience novelty. This is why porn users will almost always seek new porn, the old stuff is not as interesting. To summarise: a porn addict will seek more and more porn, that is harder and harder, because the addiction is making them increasingly desensitised to porn.
An extreme case of this is when a porn user becomes so desensitised to porn that they really need a strong shock sensation to get the stimulation they need. At this point a straight guy can find himself attracted to shemale or gay porn. It's not that he's gay, it's just that straight porn has become boring to him and he's seeking novelty and stimulation. The emotions of shock, shame, confusion, of breaking a taboo: all these increase the intensity of the porn experience.
The good news is that stopping porn reverses the effects: and the desire to watch porn that doesn't reflect your sexual orientation goes away. The bad news is, if someone is really an addict, they'll have a very hard time stopping.
This link provides extensive information on this effect:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual
A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (19 October 2013):
Agreed that you first need to decide what you can and cannot tolerate. If porn at all is a deal-breaker, the gay aspect isn't all that relevant.
If it's not porn in principle, but the inference that he might be gay, that's a different matter. Keep in mind that regular users of porn often find they need to see more extreme things over time to get the same effect. "Extreme" in the context can mean challenging taboos. They may watch stuff that they'd never do in real life.
I've never done anything remotely homosexual and can't imagine a real-world situation in which I would. But someone going through my internet history would find the odd bit of gay stuff sprinkled in. And I've been faithful to my wife for a great many years. Keep an open mind because it might not be what it looks like.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 October 2013):
Well, it sounds like he's bi. Is that a deal breaker? I wouldn't have a problem with it, but to each his own.
I don't think he's gay unless you're all of a sudden noticing a bunch of things that indicate he is, such as not liking sex, being grossed out or indifferent to your body, etc.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 "Babe, I had to run a virus checker on our computer. It showed that someone using this computer is looking at gay porn. I know it's not me. Which would mean that you are the one looking at gay porn, unless there is someone sneaking in and using our computer.
"I don't know how to deal with this other than just come out and ask what is going on with this. We've lived together since I was ___ years old and we've been together for 3 years. We live together. I love you. I trust you. I just need to understand why there is gay porn on our computer."
In the meantime, before you work up the courage to ask this question, go to http://yourbrainonporn.com for some very useful and eye-opening insights.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 If he's only looking at gay porn and no straight porn, then I would question his sexuality. Either that or he feels guilty looking at women having sex because he's not supposed to when he is with you and thinks that gay porn is less bad. To me it sounds like you have never talked about the topic of porn and you are surprised that men look at porn when they apparently are happy in a relationship. Porn does not mean there is relationship trouble. Some people look at different kinds of porn because of curiosity.
You tell him you found porn on his computer because you were trying to debug the computer. Your view of your boyfriend changes but you have to try hard to talk about this without making him feel like he is a little boy who stole candy. Porn watching is not a crime. Before you start the topic you have to decide if this is what you can accept in a relationship because he may or may not stop it for you just because you said it upsets you. Anything negative sounding might cause him to hide the habit from you, therefore enjoying it even more as some kind of dark secret. If you find that you can not live with a boyfriend who looks at gay porn then you have to tell him that.
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