A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice so I don't turn this into an argument between my bf and I. We've been together for 3 years. We're both in our early 30's. We don't live together but do spend weekends together and any days during the week if we can find time (which doesn't happen often). We're in a serious relationship and have talked about getting married and settling down.Anyway, over the last few months we started having problems due to him going out of state for work for 6 months. The distance and not getting to see him caused some tension and it put a strain on the relationship. Since he's been back we've been trying to get past the fights and are working on our relationship.About 2 months ago he took a new job, locally, working for a contractor doing construction type work. Of course I expected him to add his new boss, whom I've met, in his phone so they could easily keep in touch. I found out a little bit later he'd also added his bosses long term, live-in girlfriend as well. He said incase he needed to get ahold of his boss and I didn't say anything about it. A few weeks later my boyfriend introduced me to his bosses girlfriend (might as well say wife) and everything seemed fine.Here's the start of my issue: About an hour ago my boyfriend messages me, talks to me a little bit and then tells me the bosses ol lady wants him to add her to FB and he said he'd make sure it's cool with me, as we generally don't add too many ppl of the opposite sex just to avoid any potential problems as we've both been cheated on in previous relationships. I told him to do what he thought is right but brought up a similar situation that I was in last year that he had a problem with and he said that she's with Dale (his boss) and doesn't make passes at him but that he understands and won't add her and then tells me he loves me. I told him it's cool if he wants to add her and did NOT make a big issue out of it to him.. but I'm sitting here irritated.I'm irritated, I think, because I imagine it as a him just sitting there chatting it up with her, behind my back kind of thing, and to the point that they want to be facebook friends. The way he explained it, it didn't happen like that. Moreso, just general talk a few days ago and the subject was brought up. Am I overreacting? I don't want this to start a fight between us. We both are jealous sometimes and kind of insecure with each other but have never cheated on one another and we don't want to break up.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 October 2013):
Hi. As he hasn't really ever done anything to make you doubt him, well then it is probably wise to trust him.
If there was anything to hide, he wouldn't be leaving his mobile phone around for you to see.
And he doesn't mind you using his phone, so that's another BIG plus.
If there was something going on, he would never leave the room without his phone.
He would always have it with him, no matter where he was.
Or else, he would lock it in the glove box of his car.
So as that isn't happening, it is probably likely that it WON'T happen anytime soon.
All you can do now, is to stay calm and trust him completely.
Unless he ever gives you any reason not to.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 October 2013):
 I do think you're overreacting.First off, your bf was, from the sound of things, very upfront and honest with you about putting her into his phone and then HER request to add him on FB.He didn't ask her, so it's pretty clear that this is not some secret plan on his part to chat with her, let alone do so behind your back. He put her request out in the open to you, which is not the way most people would go about hiding something they genuinely wanted to hide.Heck, for all you know she is one of those people who "collects" friends on FB and her request to him means NOTHING. I'm sure you've encountered examples of what I'm talking about. They meet you once or twice and then think they're clear to send you a request so they can make it look like they have more "friends" than they actually do.Her request puts him in an awkward spot to be honest... if I were him I'd be hesitant to deny the request and have my boss wonder why I was being rude to his girlfriend. I can tell you I've had supervisors at my job send me friend requests before and I definitely didn't want these people as FB friends but added them anyway so they wouldn't think me rude. (And then I immediately put them on a list where only certain SFW photos and status updates would be visible to them, but that's another story.)My advice to you would be to stop worrying about this, because right now you are creating trouble and strain in your relationship where there doesn't need to be. If it were my relationship I'd take it one step further and apologize to my boyfriend, but that's your call.Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 First of all, I think it is a great policy that you and your boyfriend have about asking each other how you feel about adding people of the opposite sex to FB, given your similar backgrounds with being cheated on.
However, I think if you do (for whatever reason) have a problem with him adding someone then come out and say so initially. He was open, and honest enough with you to ask you and explain that there's nothing going on and she's practically married to his boss...you should, in turn be open and honest with him and if it bothers you then admit it to him. Don't say yes, and then get upset about it later.
That can cause problems and fights (believe me I know...)
Honestly, I can't see why he'd want to be friends with her on FB, and I doubt he'd want to jeopardize his new job by sneaking around with his boss' girlfriend.
If I were you, I'd be open, upfront, and honest now...
and just calmly explain why it bothers you now, and why you'd rather him not add her on FB. Maybe even you can show him why it's to his benefit not to add her, as it wouldn't look right to his boss and could affect his job ;)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Yes you are overreacting
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome more info: he's known this guy for almost 20 years. He is the family of my boyfriend's ex-wife so he hadn't saw him in a few years, after their divorce, but ran into each other a few months ago and started talking again and he gave my boyfriend a job. So, he isn't a stranger by no means but my boyfriend has only known April a few months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, let me add (since a new answer was posted) that I'm not sure how the number exchange went about but this isn't the first time my boyfriend has done this. In the past, if there was a couple he worked for and talked to regularly he'd add both numbers. Or if he was living with a couple (which he did for awhile till he got settled when he moved back here) he'd add both of them and talk to them both if he couldn't get ahold of the other. So, I have no reason not to believe him.I've looked at his phone before and never saw anything suspicious and has no problem with me "using" it. He leaves it lying around for me to pick up. He doesn't have any "random" women in his phone. I've only saw one text message to April and it said "put those hello kitty clothes in the car, I forgot them" and she text back with "okay". The clothes he was referring to was clothes he got off of her for my daughter. Like I said, I think this is my mind because I'm insecure and jealous sometimes. I tend to think the worst sometimes, but am working on myself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question1) As far as I can tell the boss is aware that they've exchanged numbers and doesn't seem to mind, as my boyfriend has hung out with them after work sometimes.2) When my boyfriend's car was in the shop, his boss actually had April (his wife) give my boyfriend a ride to the store and to meet me when I was picking him up after work 'cause his boss was too tired and didn't want to. That was when he introduced the both of us. She was nice and didn't give off any "threatening" vibes. 3) I asked him today why he was talking to her so much that she'd want to be facebook friends and he said "I work with Dale and she mentioned she had a facebook and I said I did too; she told me a few days ago she sent me a fr and I told her I'd have to make sure you're ok with it." Let me add, that his boss doesn't have facebook.4) At the end he did say that I make a big deal out of everything but that he understood and wouldn't add her.I'm just feeling insecure right now and jealous. To be honest, it has nothing to do with April. If it was any female I'd probably feel this way. He hasn't done anything to give me the impression he's cheating. The only thing about it that's bothering me is HOW the facebook conversation came about. I keep *thinking* (which is my problem sometimes) that it's because they've been overly chatting and wanting to get closer. I ask myself, why would my boyfriend mention it at all if there was something going on and then my mind goes into "to make it look innocent" or something like that. Then I tell myself "it's ok, he said he wouldn't add her" and then my mind tells me that's because there IS something going on and he decided not to. I think this is my mind screwing with me more than anything else right now but I don't know.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I think there are settings in facebook that let you determine how much someone can see and interact with you.
That being said, if she can add him, why can't you add her? You've met her and since she's decided to get social with your boyfriend by adding him then you can continue the socializing and add her.
I find it interesting in this post, as in others, the discussion about the difficulties seems to be so neutral, somehow, using the passive tense:
"do spend weekends together and any days during the week if we can find time (which doesn't happen often)"
"The distance and not getting to see him caused some tension and it put a strain on the relationship." The distance and the tension and the strain didn't suddenly start talking and start fighting. One of you did, under the pressure of the distance and the tension and the strain. Someone got upset and started fights.
I read this as you were unhappy with the distance imposed by his 6 month long distance job and are still upset by it, he got upset at something that happened with you adding someone a year ago and it just doesn't feel right to you.
If you are both jealous and insecure then neither of you should be adding 'friends' without the other one adding the new 'friend' as well, no?
Honestly, he hasn't know her or his boss long enough to add them to his private personal FB page. There is another site for professional networking on linkedin.com.
Suggest to him that he drop them from fb and redirect them to linkedin.com instead.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 October 2013):
 These are one of those messages where I wished that he were here asking instead of you, because I would advise against it on the grounds of professional boundaries. He would be possibly exposing himself to the suspicion of his boss if he were to strike up a friendship with his live-in girlfriend, and that friendship were to take inappropriate turns. Even if it didn't, at the least, he might not know whether or not his boss is jealous and would object to his being a Facebook friend to begin with.
That being said, you should credit him with coming to you first and getting your okay. That is an honest thing to do, and he very well may want an additional way of getting ahold of him. Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband did that on jealousy terms, because I trust him, and he has other female co-workers. I would be nervous for the same reason I said in the first paragraph, but that's only because I don't want him to affect his livelihood.
You must understand, one reason you're jealous with him is because both of you have been cheated on in the past. Personally, I understand if you're uncomfortable, but he came to you prior to doing it, and that says something. Why would he be so honest only to go behind your back?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2013):
Hi there. If I was in your situation, I would be feeling the same way.
I would be wondering why he put his boss's girfriend on FB just to be in contact with his boss.
Why not just put his boss on FB?
Why the need for the girlfriend of the boss?
Is it just an excuse to chat with her, behind the boss's back?
Even if so far, they haven't been flirting, just the fact they are chatting online, is something his old boss wouldn't be too happy about.
This is his old boss now, isn't it?
Because you stated here he started at a new job recently.
I wonder if that is why he left there, because he had feelings for his boss's girlfriend.
Who really knows?
I would be concerned about it, I really would.
It is harmless now, but in weeks to come - what then?
Now you know he is chatting on FB to her, just watch carefully to see if he starts going out at night, when he usually would just stay at home watching tv with you.
In other words, signs that he may actually be seeing her.
Just stay aware, is all I'm saying.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 I think before you talk to him about it think about what he could do, or say to make you feel better. He already told you he loves you, won't add her so there is not much he can do. If you feel better just to vent and have him listen, just let him know that. I think you are overreacting due to past experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): Hi, I understand completely where you're coming from and I personally don't think you're over reacting.A lot of people think that Facebook isn't a big deal, I disagree with that to be honest and think that it is a big deal and tends to cause problems in relationships, which I can understand.I don't think anything suspicious is going on because he was honest and open with you about the situation and respected your wish not to add her. As for him adding her number into his phone...do you know if she just gave it to him or he asked for it or the boyfriend mentioned the idea? do you know how that went down? I personally think it's a little weird and don't think it's necessary for him to have her number. If they start texting and stuff then that would definitely be a problem.
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