A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Apparently, as I have been told, I a moderately attractive male; however, I find myself completely at a loss when it comes to self confidence. I am utterly clueless as to why this is for in my mind I am rather vain, at least in regards to my education. When I speak to a woman, I feel completely awkward and insignificant. I even get the feeling that most women think that I am not a heterosexual, granted my demeanor. My question is: How does one gain exterior self-confidence? Is it a matter of simply forcing confidence boosting thoughts into my mind?
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male
reader, PM  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 As with all work that involves change, this can be approached either internally or externally.
Neil Struass says that "With success comes confidence." The basic premise here is to simply practise having conversations with women and as you become better at them, you'll gain confidence. Just learning to converse, be comfortable, present the things about yourself that make you attractive, active listening and basically being normal around women should go a long way in helping you with this. After you've experienced some success, this in itself will breed confidence.
The other approach is kind of a "will power" approach. Through affirmations and positive self talk you can create a feeling of confidence in yourself. Through mental rehearsal, you can practise having conversations with women. Simply imagine yourself in a situation where you'd like to handle better and visualize in your mind how you'd LIKE the situation to unfold. SamuraiRick's suggestion on modelling your behaviour on someone else's is a great one. A useful thing I use myself is to ask yourself "How would x act in this situation?" where x is the person you're modelling and then just acting as he would act.
I'd suggest doing both of these because while doing one may help, doing both almost ensures that this will get handled.
A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (19 November 2007):
 I think you should do some homework first. Find models in life that you can learn from and emulate. My models that teach me a lot about masculinity and confidence are James Bond and Frank Sinatra. Yep...two old school guys. You can learn a lot just from watching men like these carry themselves especially around women. When I was a kid, I use to like James Bond because of the action. Now I watch it with an appreciation of how great a model of a man he is in relating to women. Pay special attention to the Sean Connery Bond...he was the smoothest and got away with a lot more than the other Bonds. I know we’re talking about a fictional character here and you shouldn't copy the guy literally and act like him. But do some observing and take some hints.
I'll name a few. First thing about confidence is that you have to fake it. Yah fake it. To be confident you have to act confident, and with practice, faking it comes easy.
Always look straight ahead, stand tall, and look people in the eye when you’re talking to them.
Second thing you should know is women can have confidence problems too. They can get nervous and have fears too, just like you. A lot of beautiful women have problems with self esteem. Have you ever seen the women in America's Next Top Model? These chicks have major problems with self esteem. And it's because they are beautiful that they have these problems of self doubt.
Now after observing...what you need to do is put it in practice...talk, talk, and more talk! It’s good that you have brains and have something to talk about, but also learn to talk B.S.! Seriously...a lot of women don't care how smart you are, but how you carry yourself and talk that makes a great impression.
Finally, if you are going to be confident you have to LOOK confident. Shower, shave, and always dress well. Does this mean always wearing suit and ties like James Bond? No, it means wearing clean clothes that’s in style and not wrinkled. Buy some good cologne. Keep your hair in place and tight. Know your hair stylist on a first name basis!
I could say more, but like I said, do your homework first. Oh, and listen to Frank Sinatra. It's amazing how much of his music is about a man's point of view of a CONFIDENT modern man and how he relates to women. He talks to women with respect and love in his songs, but always with confidence. I can't even think of a song where Ole Blue eyes even doubts himself.
SO there you have it…James Bond, Sinatra, take a shower, look people in the eye, talk bullshit…
Another thing…I said talk bullshit, but that doesn’t give you the license to lie. Lying on occasion might get you in bed with a girl, but it’s not going to take you much farther. Some things you can protect, but be honest and up front with people. If you think a girl’s beautiful say it! She’ll like you more for saying so. Compliment her and do it with respect. Better to make observations about her clothes and jewelry than her body. When you’re in bed with her then you can compliment her body…
So I hope this helps you out. There’s a lot of material out there you can read up on if you like. Check out Amazon, do a little searching. I wish you luck my friend.
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A
female
reader, Raver Angel +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Try not to get yourself worked up over it; act like yourself, and don't worry--wipe that worriness away, just gain confedience by telling yourself that you can do this, over and over again. (Please don't mind me, I am very young, and you don't have to take my advice serously.) Never tell yourself "I can't do this" or you won't be able to do it. Just relax, and continue to chat, and don't weigh yourself down with pressure. Gain self confedience by talking to other friends of yours that are girls. (If you don't have any friends that are girls, then talk to others, the way you would around guys: not nervous, and cool.) ^^
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