A
female
age
41-50,
*hockedandNumb
writes:Hi. I know others have gone through this a million times before me and it will happen a million times after me. However, I have experienced the most traumatic event in my life. My ex, whom I loved and trusted whole heartedly and who I was about to marry moved away (where I was going to join him in a few weeks), met someone else after 2 weeks and broke off with me. We had been together for over five years and when he left, everything seemed fine. He has completely cut me off and I have also avoided him. I have tried everything and I thought I was doing well but I have had a bad re-lapse and cant stop thinking about him. Maybe its because it was supposed to be our wedding day or maybe because I saw him and his girlfriend in passing. All I know is, and guys if you are out there, please help me understand how a guy who shows that he loves you and is supposedly happy does this. Breaks of an engagment with an excuse he wants to be single, moves in and is seriously dating this person he met while still engaged to you and cuts you off like it meant nothing. We had a good relationship, problems like every couple but I thought we were all good. There were no signs of a break-up. I started writing things down to get over the past and now I am haunted by my ex and thoughts of our life together. I know time is a healer but I would like some insight on how he can find it so easy to get over something like this. Also, i feel so cheated of happiness and love, I am hopeful there will be someone else out there for me, but deep down inside, I dont feel like it will happen.
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female
reader, ShockedandNumb +, writes (18 March 2008):
ShockedandNumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, since moving, I have cut off all contact, I do not email him nor call or see him. The last correspondance I had was to settle our joint finances and assets.
A
female
reader, ShockedandNumb +, writes (18 March 2008):
ShockedandNumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do agree that he was not ready to commit and while being away, he realised this. However, if he wanted to be single, how do you meet someone in 2 weeks and start seriously dating. For the first 2 weeks he was away, we spoke on the phone numerous times during the day. he was worried about being alone and not making friends and not even having someone to go to lunch with. He was envious of the group of people at his work who were very close, the group this girl was a part of. Anyway, 2 weeks after him moving away and us still being fine, he changed when he started going out and she was hanging out with him. I had seen pictures of them together at this time. So if he wanted to break up and be single, how did he develop feelings for her instantly? I know we had a deep connection, did that even disappear when he moved away...I accept he doesnt want to be married nor even with me now, but to be in a serious relationship that quickly. Anyway, its reality and I I just have to move on. Its very hard though when you have to admit these harsh realities.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I think the term "coward" applies in this case. I think he had feelings for you but it definitely wasn't the same thing you felt for him. He simply wasn't ready to commit. He wants to be single so he'd probably thought about leaving before but couldn't think of a way without hurting you. However his fear of committing to marriage finally overcame his fear of a painful breakup. Even then he went about it wrong. I almost guarantee that when he moved away he NEVER intended for you to follow him. That way he could be away from you. So his intention was to end the relationship with you before he EVEN MET THIS OTHER GIRL.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): You are internalising everything, comparing to the new girl, looking at yourself and thinking you were not good enough for him. Open your eyes and you will see him for the arrogant rat he is. Its constantly amazing why men like him can get the adoration you give, still you can not let him go,. My guess is he was a charmer that flattered your insecurity telling you how great you were whilst looking around for a bit on the side. It says a lot that a man would consider himself so good as to say you have to handle his bad behaviour. Your low self esteem as made you a willing doormat for this man. Think yourself lucky your free instead on harping on over a looser.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Paladin  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 the fact is that both men and women do what you have described and while it is bizarre people do strange things. For anyone to say he never loved you makes no sense to me. I belive you probably had a very good relationship but like over 50% of them they eventually part. Not a good statistic but it is reality. I strongly suggest you not make this an issue of you vs her as she has nothng to do with this. He did what he did for reasons only he knows. The fact that it happened so close to your planned wedding date probably makes the breakup tougher to deal with but in the long run you are probably better off it happened now rather than six months from now. You are not cheated of love and happiness you simply haven't found it all yet but you will. If you get a chance I suggest you listen to the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It really put situations like your in perspective.
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A
female
reader, ShockedandNumb +, writes (17 March 2008):
ShockedandNumb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce all of this happened, I started looking back and realised things that I was not fully comfortable with were alot bigger issues that I realised for example, he loves going out and initially I didnt mind it because we had our own friends and I trusted him. But a couple years into the rel'n, I found this draft email to a girl he met while on a business trip and it sounded like he cheated. He denied it but the feeling like he cheated always stayed with me. I also started to see looking back that I was always open and honest and the way he behaved was less than i deserved. I do believe in the long run, by breaking up with me, he saved me from settling for second (or as my friend would put it, 10th best). However, even though I know this in my head, my heart still aches. I know one reader posted he never loved me or else he would not have done this, but how does a guy who does not love you stay with you for so long. My ex, also realising this during my my journey into coming to terms with my loss had self esteem issues. he needed to be have friends around him who think he is amazing, during our fights once, he told me not to go out with someone so good looking as him if I couldnt handle it. I brushed it off thinking he was just talking out of anger. The reason why i bring this up is because the girlfriend he is going out with, I imagined her to be a supermodel. However, when seeing her, she is short, chubby and not good looking at all. This is not out of hurt and spite but how much did he want to get away from me to chose someone whom he would not be attracted to from the way he used talk about his opinion of attractiveness. My confidence has been crushed. I just want to stop thinking of him, move on and fully let go. The worse bit is, he has moved on and probably doesnt even have a passing thought of the pain and hurt he has caused.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Your in a very hard place at the moment and I think probably many of us have felt like this and this low in our lives. It hurts like hell and you are so confused as to why all this has happened. I still struggle to wonder if when this happens to us, it is easier for us when we know why at the time, than if never knowing was a better path.
Everyone handles it differently and in my experiance often over time we start to see the flaws in the relationship which were always there, but took no notice.
I think the circumstances surrounding your breakup with him has hurt you deeply and without notice. He has moved on so quickly you are wondering what you missed. Possible what you missed was that he was not being totally open and honest about his feelings and his direction. Maybe his way of handling it was to disconnect. Your left handing in the air wondering what it was all about. What I suggest you do is to think about all the things that were not so good about him and your relationship. Think about the reasons why maybe it wasn't ever quite right.
Remember any rows or hurts he gave you, and get strong in the knowledge that he has been fairly quick to replace you. Maybe using a little of your anger here will help you feel less cheated and on the shelf. Don't think about having another relationship at all at the moment, so thinking it will never happen is not something you need to concern yourself about now. Now is about lifting your spirit, becoming a strong independent women with things to do.
Maybe one day you will look back and be thankful for not taking the path with him in the end. I have had some very dissappointing relationships and always considered it the end of the world when they finished. But I would not be the person I am today if I had continued with many of them, and for that I am greatful for and feel I had a lucky escape.
My opinion of how he handled this breakup was as a coward. He ran away and did not want to face you or your questions. Whether he does not know the answers you want or, he doesn't want to tell you, is, in a way, pretty poor form after the length of time you guys spent together. That says something about the man he was, a coward!
Think about whether it was really as good as you thought or if maybe you could have done better?
A big hug for you! xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hi there,
Firstly, I want to say I'm really sorry you are going through such a tough time. It's not easy.
Sometimes, when someone is not ready to commit, they will find excuses to break away. Something like this happened to me in a previous relationship, and like you, I thought I would never get over it nor trust anyone again.
However, you need to try and move on from your ex. Maybe you can view this as a lucky escape. I believe that if someone doesn't entirely want to be with you then you cannot change or force them to change. It's just sad that you were given the hope that you would remain together.
Please note you WILL meet the right man.
I finally met my man, who made me realise what it is like to have someone who truly loves you. A man who truly wants to commit to you is a man who truly loves you. Looking back, I realise that I put up with men that weren't up to scratch because of my fear of being left alone.
Now I am glad that my ex left me when he did....I took my time to get over him, got stronger, and then later met what became the love of my life.
You will find someone else. Sometimes we can't always explain the past. But we can use it to help make us stronger, and set boundaries on what we are and not willing to accept.
Best of luck, hon.
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A
female
reader, Skeez  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 awww hello love.
I really feel for you. what a terrible thing you have gone through.
I find this somehting thats difficult to answer, becuase after all he may be the one with the only answer and you need to get it out of him.
My only assumptions are that:
1. He knew he didnt want to get committed to you rigth after your engagement and thought better of it by running away.
2. He was just a player and got hooked onto this other girl too quickly.
3. Something was missing in the relationship and he ran after this girl becuase she maybe gave it to him.
4. He just thinks with his dick and doesnt care about how you feel.
He sounds like a cruel cruel person and I couldnt stand knowing that I was engaged to someone like that. I think its good he ran off with this other girl hun to be honest. You are now free to get on with your life and find someone else, while he does this to himself, he will probably never settle down and your better off without. I know you really want the answer to this question but I do believe you will only find it through him. Try and contact him, be nice even if you feel like throttling him and ask why he went away.
Goodluck hun
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): He never loved you. If he did he wouldn't be able to move on. You are kidding yourselve. what you really had was nothing. As soon as you realise that you will start to feel better. If you had nothing you lost nothing. I believe you loved him. but the relationship was a fabrication because his side was false.
Good luck
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