A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:I'm pretty {sure, not everyone's cup of tea and with several flaws, but I'm attractive still}, smart, witty. I don't have issues getting male attention when I go out, but I do have issues getting quality dates. I don't really care for the kind of guys -generalization, of course- that would creepily and persistently stare at a girl in a public place to get her number {happened to me a few times}- by all means, they could be perfect gentlemen still, but it just doesn't do it for me. I like intellectually challenging guys, educated, sweet, caring, chivalrous and who are interested in a long term relationship, instead of a quick hook up or a fling. {I tend to date to find a lasting partner, yes.}My question is: do you think there's a way to get the attention of those sort of guys, rather than others? I did think about selecting the places to go to in order to meet more 'suitable' -for me- boys, such as libraries, coffee shops {which are unfortunately virtually non existent here}, university, but I'd love to hear the suggestions you all may have. For instance, I've been considering going to a speed dating event at a local pub with a friend- do you think that'd be a good way to meet someone nice and whom I'd like? Other friends have objected I'm likely to find only semi-drunk creeps there and this remark made me uncertain.I'd also appreciate suggestions in the more general sense of 'how to get more dates', because I think there's definitely room for improving. For instance, I tend to go out during the day rather than at night, simply because all my friends live in other cities and, using public transport, we see each other for lunch or in the afternoon- so I mostly spend my nights at home and I feel that hurts my chances at being social somewhat. Some input on how to 'recognize' nice guys from those who are only interested in an easy lay would be appreciated too- even if I really do realize it's hard and probably nearly impossible without seeing it for yourself.Thanks in advance for your time. =]
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female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (21 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Arete:
You make a really good and interesting point about keeping in consideration the male ratio of whichever place/activity I could be interested in. I feel like that is what is hurting my chances at finding a guy at my Uni- I study Lit and -here at least- it's a vastly predominant female packed course. I do, on the other hand, think a larger number of guys would be interested in sports and, unfortunately, that's really not my thing. {Don't laugh, I'm highly unskilled with those- the only ones I could like are very feminine, such as ballet and...come to think about it, I could try a Latin American dance course. One of the hottest guys I dated -jerk only interested in someone to bed, but that's another story- did do something like that...}
You're surely right about night life in terms of the bar crowd- see, I was more thinking along the lines of missing nice guys who go out to a pub with friends just to chill, without necessarily getting drunk, but there's really nothing I can do to change my schedule, without changing my whole social circle and that's not my aim for now.
I did tell them. So far my cousin hooked me up with an overly clingy guy who half suggested for me to move to another country with him after we saw each other only once and talked online a few times {yeah, not joking either.} I also met a friend of a friend, the hot Latino- American dancer whom I mentioned, though he was not interested in anything other than easy sex.
I would try online dating, really, but I've had enough bad experiences with online personas that will last me for a lifetime. {Why do people pretend to be other people online without a real purpose, just to 'play the role' of someone else for a few hours a day is beyond me, but anyway.}
Thank you for your suggestions. Oh, and the 'happy hunting' bit made me giggle. =]
A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (21 May 2012):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi! Thank you for the long and thoughtful reply.
Your analysis of a typical date is very spot on- and unfortunately there are people who don't call back when they realize you won't do anything with them without being in a stable relationship first. That's exactly why I'm trying to think of a possible...shortcut? To try and filter out these guys before I waste time with them, hence my desire to get more quality dates, with guys I'd be suitable for and who who'd be suitable for me as well. =] {I know, I know, it's probably impossible to just recognize them at first glance- but a girl can hope, right?}
Of course, speed dating is, well, just a taste, so to speak, of a person, and you're not going to find out about his true personality and flaws up until you know them well, but I thought it could have been a good way to 'sample' a higher number of guys than I'd usually get to meet, see if there is any even just initial interest and go from there? {Such a cold way of putting it, I realize.}
Internet dating sites, frankly, sort of scare me. I've had experiences where people I talked to {just talked to, not dated, not even met on such sites, but on forums etc.} revealed themselves to be entirely different -different gender too- than the people they had presented themselves to be. For that reason, I'd rather steer clear of those sites.
I am going to start taking French classes soon, but, given the time, they can only be individual ones, so I don't have high hopes of meeting someone that way...
{And no, gold isn't really my cup of tea. I sort of suck at sports, to be honest}
I may give the Yellow pages suggestion a try to see if there's anything else I can do. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, Arete  +, writes (21 May 2012):
Take up an activity or sport that is predominantly "male" and see what happens. I live this on a daily basis at the rock climbing gym I go to and I'm neither overly attractive nor looking for dates. Literally, it's gotten to where I take headphones every time so I can politely tune out guys who start flirting--and like I said, I'm nothing special! It's simple statistics at work: if there are 5 or 10 guys to every girl, some are going to find you attractive, some of those will be single, and unless you're the pickiest girl alive, some of *them* will be people you could see yourself in a relationship with.I don't think avoiding the nightlife will cause you to miss out on too many quality dates, as many of the guys you'll meet in bars are just looking for a girl to take home that night anyway. There are so many other ways to meet people that combing through the dozens that are only after sex or FWB to find the handful that aren't probably isn't the best use of your time.Have you told your friends and family you're actively looking? They know you better than anyone, well enough that they can likely think of singles they know who might be a good match for you. Someone you meet at the suggestion of a friend who knows you both has a much better chance of being compatible with you than someone you run into on the street.Also, this may sound cliche, but you can try online dating. Stereotypes aside, I know two different couples (one engaged; one happily married for years with a child together) who met on match.com. All four people are educated professionals who just weren't having luck finding people in their social circles to date.I know there are a lot of negative perceptions about online dating but it seems like choosing a reputable site provides a better chance of meeting people other than sleazeballs looking for a hookup. It also lets you screen people based on what their (stated, at least) intentions are. Obviously, follow basic safety precautions when meeting anyone for the first time, but other than that... good luck and happy hunting! :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 May 2012):
Hi there. When you say some guys seem to stare at you - or more like look at you for a while, then look away - well they are probably trying to see whether you are looking at them.
This is perfectly normal behaviour as two people first and foremost need to make eye contact at some point, to see if the other person looks back and holds their gaze for a few seconds, before looking away again.
And it's not just men who do that either. Woman do it also.
You see an attractive man in the room within your easy view, and you will naturally look at them for a second or two to see if they will return your gaze.
If they do hold your gaze, and a few minutes later they look at you again and hold your gaze once again, then they can be fairly sure that there is some kind of attraction there between you.
This is the usual way that two people who like the look of each other, will make first contact.
And then if throughout the evening, they keep gazing at each other from time to time, well then eventually one of them - probably the guy - will see that you are interested and then come over to say "Hello" and chat for a little while to build some rapport.
And then supposing there is some chemistry there, well the next logical step is for the man to ask politely for your phone number.
And in perhaps 2 or 3 or even 4 days, he will then call and ask you out on a date somewhere nice - perhaps dinner, or a show. Or both.
So that's the basic way two people get together.
Now you've got the attention of someone nice, and he comes over to talk to you after a little while and you really hit it off.
He's called you in a few days time, and asked you to dinner and maybe a show after, and then he picks you up on the Saturday night for your very first date.
You are now on your date.
Just relax and be yourself.
Don't want to jump into bed on the first or even second date, and let him know you don't sleep around and that you are to be respected at all times.
If a man wants to jump into bed with you on the first night, and doesn't call you back after that, well then he wasn't the right type of man for you in the first place. So no great loss there.
And don't let a man force you to go to bed with him or make you feel guilty for saying "No" to him, either.
It's your choice what happens to your body, no-one else has that control - only you.
A man who is worthy of you, will always treat you with kindness, respect and dignity at all times.
Expect only the best treatment from people, and accept nothing less.
When men know you won't take any nonsense from them, well then they won't try anything on with you.
And if they don't call you back after that, well then it's their loss, not yours.
On your dates you can talk about most things, except for:-
- Religion
- Politics
- Past boyfriends
- Your sex life
- Any very personal details of your life (wait till you know them much better, and ONLY if it is appropriate at the time)
- No swearing.
Otherwise:-
- music
- tv shows
- movies
- books
- hobbies
- interests
- your work (without boring him)
- what types of food you like
- sport
- Any places you have travelled to
- your family (no deep dark secrets though - just happy positive things).
Just about anything you are interested in.
The main thing is to be yourself and don't try and be over the top, or trying to be outrageously funny just to try and impress him, as it will come across as false.
Don't wear too much makeup or overdress either.
Just wear the kinds of clothes you would normally wear to whatever place he takes you to.
If he asks you to a nice restaurant, ask how dressy do you need to be - smart casual or a bit more semi-formal.
The point I am making here, is you don't want to underdress or overdress for the occasion.
Wear what you always feel looks good on you, and makes you feel good about yourself, which in turn helps you to feel confident.
And above all, just enjoy the evening and have fun and focus on that - not on whether he will call you again.
Men love women who are:-
- Independent
- Know who they are and what they want from life
- Confident in themselves generally
- Happy and positive
- Optimistic
- Kind, genuine and considerate
- Open and honest
- Integrity.
The other question you had was regarding where to meet men to actually go on a date in the first place.
Speed dating places, are only a very brief idea of who a man really is.
It doesn't tell you if he's jealous, possessive, selfish, a gambler, a drug user or a physical abuser.
You are never going to find out that information until you are already dating them.
And then it's too late.
Internet chat sites aren't that good either, as you could meet someone on the other side of the world! So that's no good to you either.
One of the best ways to meet people generally, is to start an interest or hobby that you really and truly enjoy, where you have to leave the house to attend the get togethers to pursue the interest.
And preferably an interest that appeals to both genders.
Do you play golf at all?
Not only is it great exercise - if you do the 18 holes - it's a uni-sex sport where you are bound to meet a lot of men. So then you get fit, and as an added bonus you will also meet lots of new friends.
Even if you play with women, it can often be that it is through those women that you meet nice young men.
And the women you play golf with can be like a catylist for meeting potential life partners.
You just never know.
You can get talking to men at train stations, bus stops, supermarket checkout queues, waiting to cross a road at the traffic lights. Really anywhere at all, there is the potential to meet men.
If you go to a gym, a gym is full of young men and you inevitably get talking to other people whilst there, and make some friends.
The sky's the limit with how you can meet nice young men to go out with.
If you want to start some hobby or interest, you could start by looking through the yellow pages index for clubs to join and see what interests you there.
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