A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know a lot about abusive guys and how to spot one. I'm wondering if cussing at a girl is a sign of an abuser? Like have any guys out there called your girlfriend a "f***ing bitch"? But would never ever hit her? My boyfriend and I had a fight tonight and granted I did say some messed up stuff about his past and I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, just a simple question, is it ok for guys to say that or is it like I have always heard and I should head for the hills? I've been brought up that girls should never be talked to in that way but maybe he was just really mad? He does not have any other warning signs of an abuser (my father is one so I know pretty much what to look out for) like extreme jealousy, punching walls, overly controlling.. etc. He is nothing like that, actually he is very caring and nice. He didn't raise a hand to me, only cussed me out. Previous experience would be nice to hear. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Maybe the best thing to do is for the both of you to draw the line-- you must never bring up certain incidents of his past, and he's not allowed to cuss at you (let alone lay a finger on you in anger.)
The partners in a good relationship will be aware of each other's "buttons" and avoid pushing these AT ALL COSTS. For instance, if a guy is sensitive about his weight his girlfriend should never joke about it. Or, if a woman is sensitive about not having gone to college, her husband should never make her feel dumb. Knowing that your partner will always have this baseline of consideration, will help you both feel loved even when things are rough (and if the line is crossed, you'll know it's time to walk.)
If you set these rules early on, you'll be able to feel safe with each other even when arguing, which means you'll be able to communicate. This will lead to a much stronger, happier life together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice. I knew I was out of line with some of the stuff I was saying to him but I guess just hearing him say that scared me. He has apologized numerous times and said he was just so upset at that moment because I was throwing his past in his face, something he can't change. I apologized as well and we are on the right track now. Thanks again for all the advice :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): wow well i dont think he is an abuser i just think he migh have anger managment..he wants things his way.and he doesnt want u to mention anything about his past..if its a girl then there might be chances that he still has feelings for you
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A
male
reader, greenman  +, writes (27 June 2008):
Abuse come in different forms. It's not always about men physically beating women up. My ex g\f was a control freak in the house. She would criticise how i folded towels, washed up, the way i prepared food etc etc. Then she started on my clothes and my habits. Just little things in themselves but day after day this underminining and belittling knocks your confidence and you feel like a scared schoolboy even though i am a tall athlecic guy. In the end the final straw came when she started putting me down ( not jokey teasing) in front of othersFrom what you say your guy just blew his top in a heated argument which we all do. Just monitor the situation ( physically and emotionally) but i think you'll be ok from what you've said
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Not all abusers are the same. Why leave physical scars when mental scars are so much more fun... oops.
The caring and nice bit is just part of the carrot and stick routine. Hit them with the stick then appease them with the carrot. Of course it is far more effective if you hit them over the head with the carrot, keeps them on their toes.
It is not that easy to spot an abuser, there are to many different forms and to be honest, it depends on the person on the other end whether it is abuse. If you ever worked in an all male environment you would probably think that your boyfriend is rather soft spoken if he only cusses you out for a couple of minutes each day.
Perhaps the easiest sign for an outsider is that the abused partner will come up with excuses of why the abuser is allowed to make them feel miserable. "Ah but she is such a caring mother", "he is normally very nice" etc.
You mention for instance "controlling" behavior. But one form of abuse of kids is neglect. So non-controlling behavior can be abuse as well. See how complex it is?
Finally, the fact that your father was abusive makes you extra vulnerable. I am not saying your boyfriend is abusive, cursing for me can be a healthy way to let out frustrations, saying women never should be cursed at is a bit to over-protective (ooh an other potential form of abuse), just stay aware that one of the clearest signs is coming up with excuses for the behavior but don't over-react because of your past as well. Sometimes couples fight and harsh words are said in perfectly healthy relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Why some people just mention *him* apologizing? The fault was both from him AND her. Based on your story, it seems to me you started the fight (Remember, I'm just assuming), and even if you didn't start it, you still offended him greatly. If you say sorry to him too will show to him that you have stronger affections towards him. Don't let him alone in apologizing, also apologize to him, if possible at the same time.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 Hi,
normally I would say run for the hills. But you seem to have your head screwed on right and are able to spot the signs of an abusive man.
If you said some pretty mean things to him maybe it was just a knee jerk reactionand he really regrets what he said.
But he needs to apologise profusely, this is the best indicator that he is truly sorry for what he did. If he doesnt then you do have cause for concern.
good luck
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
This is the best link to read, to learn about abusive men. I don't really have that much of an understanding of your relationship with your boyfriend to answer this question fully.
But to me, it just sounds like a bad fight that got a little out of hand due to name-calling.
So I hope this helps!
xo
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A
female
reader, Caralots +, writes (27 June 2008):
Hey, from what you say, and if its only been this once, you should refrain from talking to him until he apologizes. but if you think hes nice and caring, then don't walk away just yet. My boyfriend and i fight all the time, he gets jealous over the tiniest things, we both know we'd never cheat on one another, and granted every couple fight, we both use foul language. Just to get the point across sometimes. We both also leave and walk away for a few hours, sometimes even days, but we both come to the conclusion that we didnt mean to say what we said and we forgive eachother. so don't let him get away right yet. every guy curses, doesnt matter who he is, but it happens, and most of them know thats their only way of a battle because most guys know they can't hit a girl. The guys try to keep up with the girls because girls are brilliant at emotionally hurting someone, while guys are better at physically hurting someone. He didn't know what else to do but curse. and if its only once in a while, then you've got yourself a golden boy.
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