A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok let me fill everyone in. I have been with this guy for 3 years. We have a 1 year old together. We've had problems from the beginning because he has a hard time dealing with my past. Everytime he's ever questioned me about it, I tell him what he wants to know and he gets mad and calls me derogatory names. I always forgive him and move on. Eventually I got tired of it and decided I wouldnt tell him anything else. So when a subject would come up, I would just deny it. Simply because he cannot handle anything. Well just like I got tired of fighting I got tired of lying. So tonight when he asked about my past (why it matters I don't know) I told him what I had been hiding and explained my reason for hiding it. He said it would be different this time and said he'd call me back. Well he called back and flipped his lid and these are some of the things he told me:--I have love for you but I'm not in love with you.--I want a paternity test bc I don't think he's my son.--your a liar and a whole, no one will want you bc your used up.--you are going to lose weight--you not gona talk back to me anymore-- I think I might go have a little fun, bc I havent slept with enough people-- I don't like having sex with you anyway--if you don't do these things I will find someone who will--I don't ever intend to marry you--I'm not mad, I'm just mad I ever got involved with a slutMy question was why go through all that when we can just break up? If you don't want to marry me or don't love me what's the point? And he just kept contradicting himself saying well if we get married... I figure that all of this is out of anger and he does love me but enough is enough, I hear some version of this everytime I tell him the truth but he wonders why I lie. Mind you, I never cheated on him. This is literally the past we are discussing... Before I met him. Am I crazy to stay? Is he being rediculous and immature? What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): I think you instinctively know the answer to your own question - just read your list over a few times.
Get out of this disfunctional relationship as soon a you can. It sounds pretty crappy and you don't sound very happy.
People like the guy you described have a way of destroying your self confidence -- leave it much longer and you'll start thinking you don't deserve any better, which is absolutely false!
Everyone deserves love and respect. You teach people how to treat you by what you agree to put up with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): He's confuse just like me. :(
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-this-really-love-or-do-i-just.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): By the way everyone last night he showed up to my house unannounced (he has a key). He barged into the house and began looking around claiming he can't trust me so he had to see what was going on. And he said he needed to get stuff because this relationship is a rap and he's not coming back. So I sat quietly on the couch. He asked me a question, stood in my doorway, checked his phone a couple of times, and said alright and left. So I went to the area and checked where his clothes were and realized he only took 2 pieces of clothing. Well then he comes back in (I guess I didn't react how he wanted me to) and he began asking me questions like do I think he's stupid, do I think this is a game. I politely answered no and he paused then threw over my recliner, huffed and puffed and when I continued to sit quietly he left again. So as I'm picking up my chair, he comes back in! And says if I ever lie again its really over (scratching my head hmmm). So I continued to be silent and he huffed like a big gorilla for a while. It was actually comical bc I knew he wanted me to cry and beg and when I didn't he got confused and didn't know what to do. ????????? COMMENT PLEASE!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): save yourself the trouble years down the road. Just break up with him already and find someone that will respect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): This guy's obviously addicted to his own dramatics. He allows himself to get all riled up and angry because he enjoys it. Whether its the emotional stimulation he's into or the upperhand he knows he has to be self-righteous, it doesn't matter.is he aggressive in bed?he really ought to get over himself, or at least admit that he gets into his dramatics for the thrill of it. Such energy would more healthily be channelled into SM. Anyway, from the looks of it, i'd say chances of him changing are really slim. He'll just continue to emotionally abuse you for pleasure and never see his wrongdoing because he feels justified by your past.to sum it up, tell him to leave
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (18 September 2008):
 Hi thereTo me, he seems to be jealous. He cannot deal with your past. But if he loves you, he would have at least to try to deal with. If he can't, you are not the right one for him. Because neither him nor you can change your past. So either he loves you WITH and DESPITE your past or not.The question is: will he ever be able to deal with your past? Does he loves you or a dream of you? Is he willing to stop question you and blame you? If not: are you ready to be with someone who treats you like this for the rest of your life? Are you willing to go through all that again and again for years? So do you want to marry him? You are not even sure if he wants to marry you, so ask the question yourself: If he doesn't want to marry you what's the point?I think, you should try to answer these questions yourself and think about what is best for you and your child.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): If a man says these thing (in anger or otherwise) its time to show him the door.If he can't deal with your past, that's his problem.He comes across here like a manipulative as____.Dump him and find someone more worth the effort.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, kinkydude  +, writes (18 September 2008):
This guy sounds abusive and jealous. You're in a bad situation. I would try to get some counseling because things are not likely to change by themselves.You wan't a man who loves you for who and what you are. They exist...Perhaps you have a good man with you, but he needs to work on himself, if you ever want to have some happiness in your lives. GL
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