A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have separated after 2 years of marriage (together for 7). We had been unhappy for about 7 months. He felt I was nagging when I tried to address issues with him. I felt he couldn't control his temper and it led to verbal and some physical abuse. After much grief I decided to leave. It's been 2-1/2 weeks and the whole time he's been saying "this isn't a marriage; you need to come home so we can work on our marriage; we can't work on our marriage apart." This week he met with a pastor about his anger but really feels he can control it himself. I started seeing a psychologist for individual counseling myself (1 session so far). I don't want to deal with the same things in my marriage and I think the chipping away at me with how he talks to me has made me unhappy in the relationship and negatively impacted my love for him. But I think of the good times and wish we had that back. My question is...how do you know when it's okay or time to go back? How can you determine for yourself that you even want to go back? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Thank you all for the replies. Lulabell, I didn't mention it but you are so right that after he's treated me the way he has, there's no desire for intimacy on my part even though I do love him...and I do miss the relationship we had before the damage was done.
smiley_1 / CaringGuy, I do fear it will return because I think the anger is deep rooted. I feared he would eventually hit me because of his anger. Then once he grabbed & restrained me and shoved me, I left.
There's so much pressure from him for me to return but I know I can't.
A
female
reader, smiley_1  +, writes (17 June 2010):
 Hello,
Physical abuse is a no, no. I personally believe it won't change once that's transpired. It might for a bit then gradually return. I wouldn't return to the relationship.
Good luck
;D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Have to say I agree with CaringGuy. I could probably 'accept' (not the right word but you'll know what I mean) ONE slap in a real fit of anger from either partner and nothing more and if it was a complete one off which huge remorse from the other partner. But otherwise, sorry, it's a no-no.
As for A Male Reader, what's with "twice a week fights being normal and a healthy sign"? That doesn't sound healthy or reasonable to me. My wife and I have been together ten years and we've never once had one blazing row. The odd momentarily raised voice, but never a fight. I accept that may be unusual, but fighting twice a week is not a happy relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): I know you miss him - its the routine and the emptyness now he isn'e around but i'd wait until he does 10 sessions at anger management. let him stew on his own - it'll make him realise that he can't treat you badly or you'll leave.
if you still miss him after he's done 10 sessions at anger management than go out on a date - don't move back in until you feel safe and the lust is back... no matter how much you love him - you won't be able to be intimate with these feelings in your head and he'll see that as rejection.
I'm on day 5 of separation after 8 years... i hope i have the strength to hold out lol
wish you all the best my love! xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Dear lady,i will have completely new view for you..1) It will be hard for you to change and so as for him too. I congratulate you and him for being honest and having good intentions towards each other.2) Why at all get in to changing each other game. why do not you and he just love each other's weakness ( in your view many things be his problems and in his view many things are yours problem ) and laugh at it. 3) twice a week fights and then one of them sorry is quite normal and healthy sign of marriage or any relationship. Which indicates that both of you feel some rights and possessiveness over each other ( He is mine, or she is mine ). low expectations from each other is more danger sign as compared to more expectations. Soso finallysince you left him, you are the one to leave your typical wife ego behind and say sorry and move in. That is the only to massage his male ego and restart the relationship togtheor. There is no fun in breaking, fun is in building the relationship and adjusting for the same. there is no perfect men or women or marriage, it is just how two people make it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 June 2010):
Do not go back to a relationship that was violent. It will be the same. I don't think you should go back.
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