A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:How do you find the strength to leave a relationship that you know is not good for you and will probably never change? I know everyone says being alone will be fine, but I have panic attacks just thinking about it. I know I am possibly a bit co-dependent because I've never been on my own, nor do I have any desire to be. However, I know my current relationship is not going well. I think my b/f has unresolved anger issues that stem from his childhood (abusive dad, passive mom) so he is verbally abusively and doesn't respect women because his mom never stuck up for him, just let his dad beat the crap out of him. Also his last g/f ended their engagement suddenly and even though she was a total b**** to him the whole time they were together, I know he still loves her. It's like he won't direct his anger where it really needs to be -- on the person who hurt him the most and took advantage of him -- instead he lashes out at me. I know he'll never change because he doesn't see the problem. I think he would benefit from anger management but he gets angry at the mention of it. And I can't stand the thought of being on my own. Plus I don't really make enough money to support myself unless I live in a crack neighborhood which I refuse to do. I've tried to change myself and how I respond to his outbursts. I've tried to program myself to quit being so sensitive because I was raised in a loving family, and he frequently says I'm just spoiled. But I spend alot of time crying myself to sleep because his words and his actions hurt me. I've tried to remove the "triggers" that might cause an outburst, but I'm starting to realize they always change and I can't keep walking on egg shells. I never know what's going to set him off and even when I've tried to talk to him about this during the times when he is calm and seems like he might be receptive, he blows up. I know it's becoming an unhealthy relationship but I love him so much, I don't know how to find the strength to get out. There are times when he can be sweet and loving and it gives me hope. I know if I could see more of that side of him, and less of the other I would ride out the bumps and stay with him. I want our relationship to work out but he's wearing me down.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): Well speaking from your stand point of view. I can relate exactly to what your going through. Except my situation has a few more threads to it I guess you could say. My boyfriend wasn't only verbally abusive but emotionally and most of all physically abusive. He has anger management problems as well. For the past month or so he has had to attend meetings, kind of like anger management but more so about how to treat your girlfriend. He goes to these meetings at the local womens shelter where abuse victims refuge. He also has been recently been contacted by his ex-girlfriend whom is a very crazy, and is very tenacious when it comes to getting him back. She also has given me a great heap of trouble. But beside a few other things that make our relationship incredibly UNhealthy i do love him dearly even though at moments i may think hes a compulzive liar, and cheater. It has gotten to the point where i don't really care, which is sad. I've realized I can't do anything about that part. Since his meetings I've noticed a huge decline in the abuse. Ecspecially the physical. But don't be fooled. This isn't the first time he's been to anger management. It's taken a couple tries. The easiest thing to do in your situation is try to find someone else, look around. And when you do find someone and don't have to worry about being on your own leave him. I know that sounds crued, but it's like they say..."One day you'll realize how wonderful she really is, and when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the man that already knew", it's not going to be easy. But you don't want to stay. Believe me, you can do better. And just when you think there's nobody else out there, you'll find someone :). "Sometimes you have to forget what you want, and realize what you deserve"
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 April 2008):
 If you want to leave an abusive relationship,
you need to plan in secrecy.
You will require financial resources , legal help and emotional support.
If you are in Australia , you can contact the Women's Refugees Referral and Resource centers in your town.
If you can challenge the unknowns of the future,
then you will be able to leave.
Being financially independent or having the financial
resources is a pre requisite or having someone who can
provide for you till you can stand on your own two feet .
Otherwise it is very hard to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): hi im only 20 2 kids been with my partner since I was 16, hes now 28 on his next birthday! i feel trapped, I dont feel i want him anymore but im scared for the kids!! Its been a relationship where the bad has always overcame the good!! Hes been such a bad person to me, he constantly lies straight to my face, I dont think hes trustworthy, hes wereing me out I really cant take it anymore. Hes always had a reputation with the ladies and my insecurities after having the kids cant take it anymore, every string there is he pulls it, im soo tired, ive even felt suicidal, if i tell him too leave, he freaks out, hes hit me before and although not since before i had the children, i fear he will do it again!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Reading her post I feel like i'm living her life. My boyfriend has anger issues that are unbeleivable... he goes off on the littlest things, the chair not being pushed up to the table, a drawer not being closed all the way, He even refused for me to use hot water to wash the whites, so he took the knob off the hot water knob on the washing machine... These are just a few of many things, I moved here in his house, I gave up everything of my personal belongings, he constantly yells and tells me THIS IS MY HOUSE!.. Has repeadily told me to get out, then the next day it's like if never happened... I feel like i'm on a roller coaster, and my heart is just dieing... I can afford to live on my own, i'm scared to death to do it... it will take most of my income just to survive... He just BLOWS UP and the least little thing, and he really thinks it's a big issue.. I'm scared to be on my own, but i'm so depressed, he sits in the front room, and I sit in here in the computer room... I moved all the way from oklahoma to be with him here in virginia... I know no one but the people I work with, i'm on my own here...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, MY BOYFRIEND IS THE EXACT SAME!!! He had a very rough childhood, and as a result he has an intense anger inside of him and sometimes that leads to outbursts even during calm situations, he doesn't even notice he does it and I'm so hurt by his actions and words, I'm so worn out just like you are and very much heartbroken because i put everything into my relationship but there is nothing i can do for him, but i too am searching for the strength to leave it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, just know you are not alone ok
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 Hi Hun
To stay or to go. That is a tough decision. From your post it sounds like you are using your common sense here. You know you are in a bad situation. Your heart seems to be speaking as well though....you are trying to rationalize and explain away the bad behaviour of this guy and it is what is keeping you stuck. You say you fear being on your own...that is honest. What about looking through the paper for shared accomodation and other posts here have mentioned staying with family or friends. I do not like what I am reading regarding his behavior towards you. Again I agree with the posters that you need to leave NOW. I think we are all telling you that those harsh words could turn into more before too long. I would also suggest that when you do leave have no further contact with this guy and do not give him your contact info. This has got be so hard. This is a time of transition and pain for you but you deserve the best life you can have and crying yourself to sleep is not that. Keep us posted. We are here to helpxx
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 First, remember that you are NOT responsible for him (even if he's not being responsible for himself). You only need to make sure that YOU are okay. His problems are not your fault and are not your responsibility. Maybe you leaving him will cause him to get the help he needs, but you can't stay just to see that this happens.
Many years ago, my sister asked me a question that helped me to get out of a relationship: "Would it bother you if your children were just like him?" If the answer is yes, you need to leave.
The right guy is out there for you. Don't be attached to this one when you meet him. Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 I think you say you love him so much to justify staying with him so you don't have to be on your own, which is really not good.
Have you not got any family or friends that you can stay with? as i'm sure if they knew how you felt they would be more than happy to accommadate you.
Please don't let yourself end up being another statistic of an abusive relationship you are worth far more than that.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, nutella +, writes (6 July 2007):
You really do need to get out of this situation. If you read up on the web about abusive relationships, you'll see that what you've described matches perfectly. I don't want to depress you but abusive relationships tend to get worse, not better, over time - sometimes to the point of physical violence. Whatever fears you have about being on your own, if you're strong enough to live with what this guy is currently throwing at you (not love, by the way), you do have the strength to cope on your own. It's just a matter of learning, and I know that can feel a scary prospect. Try not to think of yourself as naturally codependent, though, because it's an understandable response to someone aggressive to try and be as passive and giving as possible, because you want the abuse to stop and you want them to become loving again. You write that this guy is sometimes sweet, but all abusers are - otherwise they wouldn't be able to get away with their behaviour. With time, the risk is that this relationship will just keep wearing down your self esteem and your ability to believe in yourself. It takes time to get over an abusive relationship and life is short. You really are better off going it alone. Whatever you decide though, know that you are worthy of love and respect and that his behaviour is not about you as a person and not your fault. Take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): I know exactly where you are at and I was in a frighteningly similar situation until 18 months ago. My partner had a very bad temper and although he never hit me he did everything else possible to scare the living daylights out of me. He had terrible anger issues which he took out on me even though it was his previous relationships that had hurt him. I was in it for the long haul but after wasting 5 years of my life i decided enough was enough and that my life was owrth more. I loved his nice side more than anything and sometimes still wonder if it could have got any better but in my heart of hearts I know it would not. I left everything behind and set out with over £40K of debts which he had run up in my name and as a 30+ year old woman went home to my family which was horrible as they warned me all along!! That old cliche! Over time i began to realise however hard it is for me now emotionally and financially i am so much better off and i would never go back to being miserable and worrying that I might say the wrong thing and set him off every 5 minutes.....Get out of there and don;t spare the horses! Save your life coz its worth more than a selfish loser who thinks its ok to mentally abuse the person who loves him - He does not deserve you! Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): Hello, I advise you to start looking for a place for yourself, maybe sharing with a friend to begin with, as i can tell you with complete confidence that you really do need a break from your partner. It is the definite answerand although it will be difficult for you, YOU MUST get away, just to let your partner miss you,. I would also give him a letter stating all the issues you cannot tolerate anymore, and emphasize that although y ou do love him, you do not feel happy with the way it is.I really hope you get away from him, as honestly i wasted years of my life, hoping things would improve but they NEVER do. Good luck with your life.
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