A
male
age
30-35,
*ndreC
writes:Hi, my name is Andre I am currently in Portugal and my girlfriend is in Canada we have been away from each other for 9 months but I will be back in about 3 months. Anyways I really need help, I know that I am controlling I don't like it when she goes out with her friends because I am not in the same country as her I feel that she shouldn't be having fun because I am not with her. I know that what I am doing is wrong. I also get mad if she goes with her friends to theme parks, partys, the mall, basically anywhere where there are other guys. I find that if I'm not with her then she shouldn't be having fun, I find that if some guy hits on her that things will happen and she will keep it away from me pleaseee help please help me I really need it. Can anyone please help me to stop being so controlling and trust her?? Reply to this Question
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reader, AndreC +, writes (8 July 2007):
AndreC is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thx for all the help guys!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): Excellent answer from you eddie.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 Eddie just gave you the one answer you need to hear man. I don't think anyone can improve on his words.
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reader, AndreC +, writes (7 July 2007):
AndreC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what you guys mean by not to worry but it isnt that easy there is still 3 months before I get back to Canada and there is a 5 hour difference in times.What really gets to me is that she at times goes out at lets say 9am and then leaves what shes doing to get home at 10pm with her friends and thats a whole day that I dont talk to her because 10 pm there is 10 am here
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reader, eddie +, writes (7 July 2007):
 I'm going to put my money where my mouth is. I suffered from this same issue and that's how I found this site. I'll tell you what I learned and how I got to this point. This may be a long reply but it encompasses your issue.
I was never controlling but did suffer from low self esteem. Oddly enough I have a stunning wife, two kids and a great marriage of 21 years. The stunning wife part of this eventually bit me in the behind. Although all women get attention, my wife is the model type. Very stunning, always checked out by men and sneered at by women. ALWAYS!!!!!
The part that surprised me about my situation was this. I seemed to build my self esteem from the fact I had a beautiful wife. Whenever we entered a room, I was with the pretty lady. It made me feel good and validated my low sense of self worth. Anyway, as my marriage progressed, I felt under appreciated by her. It was probably more a case of my inherent loathing of myself but I did not interpret it that way. Also after 18 years of marriage, at that point, things can become routine. Then one day, she told me of a guy she met who was obviously interested in her. She told him she was married, he was respectful and he was a nice guy. It wasn't that she did anything behind my back,just that she met someone while out. I crumbled. How could he be nice if she loved me? Was he better looking? Younger? etc. He potentially magnified every flaw I saw in myself. My mind raced and I started to break down.
I felt threatened. Why did my wife think he was nice? Was I letting her down? Was our marriage stale? How could she have fun without ME ????? In my mind. if she was having fun and I wasn't there, it was BECAUSE I wasn't there. That is a crazy though but if yo make yourself a pain in the behind, it will begin to be true. You will pester her, she will resent your accusations and she'll revolt. I was questioning myself on everything. I began to create what I feared the most, a withered, jealous, unbecoming shadow of a man. I questioned everything and almost ruined my marriage.
I now know what happened. As someone with low self esteem, I thrived on attention from others. Any attention was good. It built me up. My wife though, got attention all the time, it was just not nearly as important to her. Women are accustomed to that and she was quite secure with herself. I also know that in the past, although I've never cheated, I have sponged up attention from women who were interested in me. I did it because it felt good, knowing of course, I would never cheat. I never felt guilty about it because I convinced myself I knew where to draw the line. The reality is this, it's better to draw the line a little closer than farther away. This is because it becomes disrespectful to your partner if you allow yourself to continually be in the company of someone who's coming on to you.
My biggest problem and fear was this.....could another man's attention make her feel good too? Of course, the answer is yes. The difference is that while something like that totally validated me, it meant little to her other than it felt nice. To believe otherwise is foolish.
My point is this. You can not control what people think or feel. You can only try to provide a scenario that gives someone the opportunity to love you. You are lovable. If you create an enviroment where you become an ugly person, you will be less lovable. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be in a relationship. If you don't love yourself you will never feel capable of being loved by another person.
Also, when you love someone, you don't strive to control them. You want to see the flourish. You want them to enjoy life and experience new things. This is IMPORTANT...if the person you love takes advantage of your kindness and trust, that does not make you a fool. It makes them the fool. You played by the proper rules. You can not gain someones love by restraining them in order to control your fears. They are your fears, you need to deal with them. You can not convict your girlfriend of a potential crime. She can talk to who she wants. You must hope she values your relationship and stays true to you. If she doesn't, it's not your fault. She wasn't the person you thought she was. If you push her away, it's your fault.
Figure out why you don't feel worthy of her love. Remember, you can not force her to do anything,just provide her the opportunity to want to stay with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): I feel exactly how you feel. I'm not separated from my girlfriend for as long as you are but I get the exact same feeling. I can't say that I've completely been able to figure out how to just handle it. All I can say is that you just have to let go a little. No matter what you actually think about, she is still probably going to go and hang out with her friends. She would probably still hang out with them even if you weren't going out. The difference is that now, if she really cares about you and doesn't want to ruin it, she won't do anything when she gets hit on by other guys. Though that can be hard to think about because you see her as this amazing girl...so how can other guys not see it? And then there is the fear that with all these guys hitting on her, somebody among them will be better then you and your girl will realize this. At least that's how I feel about it.
What you have to do is just believe that your girl sees something in you that she wants and doesn't want to give up. It may be something that you can't even see in yourself but she sees it. Trusting someone can be the hardest thing in the world, especially if you've been hurt before. If you try and control them, it just won't work so don't. If you worry, either they will eventually cheat and all you can do is say "well I knew this would happen" but that won't change the fact that they are gone, or they won't, but you'll be worrying all the time and they may just eventually leave to get away from you. While if you don't worry, you can either get hurt by being blindsided by cheating, or experience one of the most amazing things you've ever had with a person.
To me it seems that the only way to have a positive outcome is to not worry. I know it can be hard to do, I still do it myself, but I'm working on not doing it.
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