A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 39. We've been dating for almost two months and very few people in my life know about him. Just my sisters and a few coworkers from my job. (they know him because he stops by every once in a while) My mother has no idea. I usually tell her that I'm at school when he and I are hanging out or that I'm working late. Other times I use stupid excuses like: "I left something at work. I had to go back and get it.""I got diarrhea so I had to poop in the bathroom at Target."And honestly, I think she has a hunch that I'm seeing someone. She asks my sister if I'm secretly dating one of my coworkers, let's call him A. She thinks that because sometimes I bring up his name in my excuses for my lateness. How do I tell her that I'm seeing a 39 year old? She still thinks of me as her baby. I'm the youngest out of her children. She would probably castrate him the second she found out! She wouldn't see that we both genuinely like each other and share common interests. All she would see is the 18 year age difference.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2013):
 Ah... sisters... boyfriends and parents making choices...
let me tell you a story....
my mother was the middle of three sisters. All married young... my mother brought home my dad who my grandparents deemed unacceptable as a spouse. They disliked him intensely and when my mother married him at age 19 they refused to attend the wedding. It was held in my father's parent's home.
Over time, my grandparents softened... and in the end my grandmother said "he turned out to be not only the BEST of the three husbands, but he turned out to be my favorite."
Time is a very magic healer. So, if your mom is not happy, give her time....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your answers. I just want to let you know my boyfriend has not been married, divorced, and does not have any children.
I am happy with the relationship. I genuinely care about this man and vice versa. The age gap is not an issue to me or him.
I'm the youngest child in my family. I've always been mommy's little girl. I usually abide by what she says or wants. But I do make my own decisions. According to my mom, my sister's boyfriend would be the perfect son-in-law. I'm worried that my boyfriend won't live up to her standards. Her opinion matters to me. But I know I have to tell her. I feel that this relationship will last. I'm searching for the right moment to tell her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
Ah age gaps they are my favorite…. Truly. I’m 13 years older than my husband… but we were well into our adulthood when we met… If he had been 25 to my 38 I doubt we would have worked out.
First this is my take on age gaps in general….
1. They can work. If both partners are in it in spite of the age gap. Age gap partners that TARGET a particular age range irk me. People are more than their age. So an older man that prefers younger women… sets up red flags for me much like older women seeking younger men or younger women seeking older men… And don’t get me started on young men that want a cougar…. UGH.
2. If you met and are together in spite of your age difference then I’m ok with it. If he’s got an issue with your being too young.. I’m going to be much more supportive than if he was Happy and thrilled at your age. He should be concerned. If he is not, well then you may have a problem….
But let’s make the assumption that he’s with you in spite of your age and you with him in spite of his….
First of all I’m betting this will not last all that long…. It’s only 2 months… but I’m concerned that you are afraid to tell your mom… why is that? It’s very very common in our society for older men to date younger women. And it’s much more acceptable for the man to be older. Trust me on this… Older women with younger men are made to be a joke on so many levels but Older men are almost expected to date younger women.
So before we talk about how to tell mom, we need to figure out why you need to tell her now…. It can’t be serious after just 2 months and if it is, I would wonder why… who’s pushing the relationship along quickly?
Now let me ask you are you willing to be the caretaker of this man as he ages? Are you willing to be a young widow if you stay with him? Are you willing to want to travel and go out and do things while your husband can’t or won’t?
Your boyfriend is the same age as my husband. And I can tell you that at 40 most folks start to slow down even if they don’t want to. And sometimes you have no control over it. I was great till age 50… at that point my back started to deteriorate due to degenerative disc disease which we had no clue was coming and have no way of stopping. Eventually I will need surgery and I will probably be in a wheel chair and my husband will have to care for me. Is that what you want? It’s really eventually going to happen if you stay with a partner old enough to be your parent. (and an 18 year gap is more than enough for that)
If your comment is “well we are just having fun and games and not getting serious” then the question “how do I tell my mother?” is moot right?
Therefore I assume you are falling in love with this guy and that’s why you want to stop lying to mom. But KC is right.. if you are old enough and adult enough to have an age gap relationship you are old enough and mature enough to deal with the consequences of your behavior.
I remember telling my dad about my husband… and I was grown and not living at home but I knew my dad would freak out as he’s rather traditional
I started with “daddy I met a man” and then changed the subject
The following week it was “he’s a nice guy and we are spending time together”
And finally over weeks and weeks I hit him with the age… My dad really likes my husband… he takes good care of me on many levels and age becomes but a number after a while.
So let’s see how to fix this… if your boyfriend looks young at 39, perhaps you could start with mom just meeting him…. Not mention his age… she will note he’s older but may not think 18 years.. maybe 10 which is more acceptable to most… so maybe have him come to the house to pick you up for a date… but not have much time to stay and chat… just a “hi nice to meet you”
Ease her into knowing him… and if she blows a fit at your age, you are adult and you can say “mom I know you are not happy but I’m an adult and I need to make my own mistakes and live my own life”
Why do you think your mom will find him so unacceptable? Is it because he’s married or is he divorced multiple times and has children with multiple women?
I sense there is more than just his age that’s the issue…
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 If you are an adult and are mature enough to handle a relationship with a man so much older than you, then you sure as hell should be mature enough to speak to your parents about this.
All you can do is come out with it, there is no good way to word it - "mum I'm dating someone, his name is xxx, he is 39 and I met him at xxx". Sure she will probably go mad, and for good reason - but she has your best interests at heart and only wants what's best for you, and no mother will ever be able to see that her daughter dating someone so much older is a good idea.
Why you might ask? Well presumably he is divorced, or at least has a serious long term ex that he lived with, probably bought a house with at least? That means complications - men with major ex's, like ex wives or women he has financial ties to is always hard work and complicated. But that will be the least of her worries.
Does he have kids? Men of that age are quite likely to have kids, especially if he was married before. Again that is further complications, you will have to learn to play step mum at a young age when you wont be ready for that responsibility.
Next major factor - when you will be 40, he will be 58. When you are 50, he will be 68....and so on. That means when you are still young, healthy and in the prime of your life, he will be aging, his health with be in decline and you will end up being a carer for an elderly man whilst you should still be enjoying yourself. You might also be left looking after children (if you and him have kids) because their dad cant run around and play with him like he should be able to do.
So while I understand you want her to see that you have lots in common with this man and you enjoy being with him - your mum will be thinking 'she can have lots in common with millions of men that are under the age of 30'. Having common interests is nothing unusual and is not going to help win her over I'm afraid, you could like millions of guys and have common interests with them, it will just be a huge shame to her that you have decided to latch onto someone so unsuitable for you long term.
You are only looking at the short term, whereas your mum will be thinking long term and those long term issues outweigh your short term happiness MASSIVELY.
But if you want to carry on dating this man that is your choice, but as I said before if you are mature enough to handle a relationship with a big age gap, then you should be mature enough just to bite the bullet and tell your mum. You are an adult and she cant stop you, but she doesnt have to like it and I am fairly sure she will never like it. But that is your choice, you have brought this upon yourself by dating an older man and you are just going to have to accept that there is a good chance your mum may never approve, because she has good reason not to approve.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Well, I am all for parent-child communication, but, after two months that you see a guy, do you really need to come up with an official statement ? I mean, I don't want to jinx you and I wish you a long happy relationship, but, really, two months, you have no way to know if it WILL be serious, it will be committed, it will last... why rising waves when in two more months you could be dating... his 22 y.o. little brother ?
And, btw, why at 22 do you need to be accountable for every minute you spend out of the house ?.. It sounds strange to me, I do not have or want this level of control on my son ( your age ), I mean, sure I want to know if he is staying out late at night ,or not coming home for dinner, both for practical reasons and so that I don't have to fear he had an accident, but ,other than that, I do not expect to know where he's been pooping or exactly which friend he has been out shopping with etc. etc.
With all due respect, if this is the dynamics in your home, maybe it's time to carve out a little autonomy for yourself.
If anyway you feel that you prefer to come clear about this, eh well, - expect she won't like it. Mothers do not always like all their children's choices, that's normal. I mean, do not be upset, maybe she would not like it if you had boobs implants, or if you converted to another religion, or decided to quit your job etc,etc. She is entitled to express her opinion, even if it's negative. Then again, if you are really convinced about your choice, and sure that it's a good thing for you, and exactly what you need and want to do - you'll do it, respectfully but firmly, and you'll give up to the prize for Most Obedient Child of the year.
What can your poor mom do, after all ? She can grumble, she can disapprove, she can disadvise, but ultimately you are an adult, and you will live your life no matter what .
( I don't think that a mother would cut all ties with her daughter and disown her JUST because her partner is not in the right age range ). Then, it's up to you show her that her misgivings are unfounded and that you made just the right choice.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I can't really help much on this one, but I do remember a good discussion here in the past that might or might not help. Check it out:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/people-who-are-in-a-marriage-with-a.html
I would say that she has a right to be concerned. Honestly, you're still maturing a lot at your age. I know I was almost an entirely different person at 25 than I was at 22. What may feel right now, might feel repulsive in a year or two from now.
Whatever the case, you can't hide this forever. You are an adult, and old enough to live on your own and make your own decisions both good and bad. It can be hard for parents to let go sometimes, but sometimes they have to just trust that they raised you right and let you live your life.
Do what makes you happy. I just question if you're really happy if you feel the need to hide the relationship.
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