A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, so for the first time since lock down lifted I decided to invite my friends around for a house warming party at my new place. My husband has his friends round regularly were I am expected to be the hostess with the mostess which I generally enjoy as I know it makes my has happy. They all have wives whom I get along with so we all end up having a good giggle to. We gave both integrated our friendship groups so both of us get along with both my friends and his. Howevwe, when it comes to inviting my friends over, my husband is very weird about it and always find's excuses not to do it. recently he agreed to having them over however he's invited his brother in to the mix. I find this very strange as I don't invite my sister when his friends are round. It's just weird. My brother in law has maybe met them once or twice on my birthdays but hardly enough to say he knows my friend's. I spoke to my husband and said I find it really weird and uncomfortable as I won't be able to enjoy myself with my friends and talk about childhood stories or have a few drinks, knowing that I will be judged and will have to be on my best behaviour. He kicked off saying my brother knows them and he's in the area so he's coming whether you like it or not. I said that this is the first time my friends have been to our place and I want to let my had down and enjoy not consistently being mindful of what I say and how much I drink. I requested that he uninvites his brother but he refused to that. So i saif thats fine i have a respectable realtionship with your brother, ill ask him to sit this one out and instead we can have him round the next day for lunch. He replied if you do that watch what happens to.your party. Now I didn't understand that threat at all- but I assume he simply won't take me shopping to buy the food or he might not attend- both of which I can handle. However my questions is, how do I uninvite his brother without being rude? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 August 2020):
 Your post reminded me of the film, The War of the Roses (Kathleen Turner & Michael Douglas starring). Sounds like you are both trying to achieve "one upmanship" over each other. Hopefully your relationship won't end in the same way.
Unlike some of the other responses, I can actually understand why you might not want your brother-in-law at a party of "your" friends, especially if this group usually gets a bit rowdy or enjoys "partying" in a different way to what he would. Perhaps this is the very reason your husband has invited him? Perhaps he feels the party will get too "wild" otherwise?
In your shoes I would just go ahead and enjoy the party as you intended. If your brother-in-law is not happy, that is not your fault. You were not the one to invite him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): You should not be having parties right now! You are putting all your guests at risk.This thing is real.My adult son is very sick right now...the worst is I cannot be with him.Please this is not the time to party.Please be safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): Arrange to visit your female friends at their place or go to a bar with them. You do not need permission and you do not need to invite them or tell them all about it before hand. As soon as the meeting is at your place your husband interferes, so make it somewhere else.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2020):
 You can't un-invite your brother in law
" without being rude ". Uninviting somebody without a serious, compelling reason, like an emergency, a sudden accident or illness- IS extremely rude.
" Because I intend to get pissed drunk " I am afraid it does not qualify as an emergency . ( By the way- yeah nobody asked me, ok, but ,since I am here... I think EVERYBODY should always, consistently be mindful of what they drink; in this way so many unpleasant, tasteless scenes ,and bad consequences like physical fights and driving accidents could be avoided. Just my two cents ). You can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, so you will have to choose if you prefer being rude to the poor guy and enjoying your party just the way you envisioned it, or be polite , let your BIL attend the party and maybe go a little easier in hitting the sauce.
I must say , though , that if I were your husband I would be furious just at the mention of disinviting his brother, let alone actually doing it. That's his house too ! He is not a lodger , he lives there too ! Why does he need your permission to invite whomever he wants- more so considering that the " whomever he wants " in this case is not a flock of Las Vegas showgirls, but ONE of his closest relatives ?
Is this your husband, or an employee' of yours, that you have the right and the power to block the access of HIS guests to your shared residence ?
I agree that his threat is probably an empty one, what can the poor guy do to sabotage the party other than, say, refuse to attend ? I strongly doubt that he would show up and personally kick physically out of your house ( which is his house too, remember ) each of your guests one by one, a' la Chuck Norris. But that you want to humiliate and antagonize your husband , and his family, this way, just for the sake of imbibing some more alcohol .... I don't know, maybe it is because mine is not a typical
" drinking culture " , but I just don't get it, it sounds weird to me ....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2020): You didn't explain why you don't want your brother-in-law to come? You hinted he might be judgmental, by keeping track of your drinking and behavior.
My guess is, that's exactly why your husband wants him to come! To balance things out. You seem more interested in your friends coming, and limiting who your husband gets to invite.
I'd heed his warning if I were you. Try to make everyone feel welcome! People wander-off into little groups anyway.
Let your husband invite whom he wants. He didn't tell you whom not to invite.
You are inviting your chosen friends regardless of how your husband feels about them. Yet restricting who he can invite; as though he needs your permission. I don't quite think that ominous threat he made was necessary.
The party hasn't even happened yet, and there's trouble brewing. I think this party is going to end in a big scene! It might turnout to be a disaster. Drinking is only going to throw gasoline on the fire! I don't really think either of you are really in a celebratory mood. Maybe you should postpone it; until you both work things out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2020):
 Why can't the brother come?
Maybe YOUR husband FEEL more comfortable to have someone around that HE knows well and can hang with.
How it it that YOU alone can decide who gets to come and who don't? What is really going on here?
You sound childish and petty, and SO does he. It sounds like you two want to "duke" things out THROUGH friends and family.
You are a couple. Which means there HAS to be a degree of adaptation and compromises here. You invited "friends" so PLURAL, HE invited his brother so ONE person.
If you WANT your sister over when he invites friends, then DO so, but NOT to be a PETTY cow, but because you would like her company and think it would be nice for her to meet his friends and vice verse.
You two need to grow up and work this out like ADULTS, not a couple of spoiled brats!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2020): I don't think you can un-invite him without being rude....because it is rude! Your husband wants him as company while you have your friends for company.
I don't really understand what the problem is to be honest. Is your brother-in-law your keeper? Why do you have to be on your best behaviour?
Be yourself, act as you would without him there, what's he gonna do? You're an adult aren't you? Why can't you enjoy your party and let your husband enjoy his brother?
You both sound rather volatile, I think you with your over reaction and him with his threats.
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