A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm recently divorced from a long, unhappy marriage, and with a new partner whom I admittedly was involved with while my marriage was failing. I have a young teen son who has been pretty OK with the divorce, but he knows nothing about my partner. When I have my weekends with him, I spend them at my parents or my old house because I cant take him to my girlfriends house yet because he hasn't been introduced.So here's the problem...I'm scared to introduce him. My relationship with my son is vital to both of us, and I am afraid he might assume I was with her and that was the cause of his mom and I splitting (it wasn't). He's at a very vulnerable point in his life right now and I dont want to put another ball in the air. He's also said his greatest fear is that he doesn't want step parents (but he made an interesting side-comment that he'd be OK with it if he got a half brother or sister from it).I get so close to telling him, but I chicken out. Partly because I don't know if his Mom wants me to tell him (although she has said in the past he should be told), partly because I'm afraid he might not approve. I'm definitely staying with my girlfriend, so it's inevitable, I just don't know how to tell him. I have the introduction thing planned out...just not how to tell him and ask him if he wants to meet her.Any advice from anyone whos been in this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): How long have you been divorced?
and how serious are you about this new girlfriend? if you are serious enough that you are talking future marriage, then definitely you shoudl tell your son at some point. If not that serious, then don't tell him lest you break up in the future and confuse him even more.
If your divorce has been pretty recent, you might want to wait longer before you tell him. Divorce is hard on kids especialyl at vulnerable ages like his age. He is probably still getting over the divorce and still adjusting to post-divorce life. Don't pile on a new situation on him just yet, wait til he's more adjusted to not having you and his mother together.
Also if you wait longer, then it won't seem to him that your new girlfriend was the cause of your divorce. But if you tell him now, then it will seem that way and it will be harder for you to explain why it's not. Kids can't understand the complexities of adult relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Whatever u do don't lie to your son. have u thought of how u are going to confess that you had a lover while still being married? If u want a semblance of a good father/son relationship u need to be honest with your son. Your lover may not have been the cause of your marital problems but you left your wife for her. If u start lieing and start making excuses your son will not respect u at all. If u think u are going to lie and not tell him the truth how are u going to face him when he discovers that u had a lover all along?
If your son means anything to you you will respect him enough and be truthful. Don't continue to be a coward and a hypocrite. Your son deserves some honesty.
Divorce is a very messy affair but compound this with lies to your kids and u mess them up even more. When u talk to your son, talk lovingly and openly meaning be truthful.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 If you are going to have a real relationship with your current partner then she needs to know your son and your son needs to know her and the longer you keep this from him the worse it's going to get.
Tell him. Be honest. He is a teenager and old enough to understand that mommy and daddy are divorced and aren't going to be alone for the rest of their lives. THey are going to move on and be with new people. But let him know that you will always be his dad and his mom will always be his mom and that will never change.
He needs and deserves to know if he doesn't already. Kids aren't stupid, he probably knows that something is going on, but probably not exactly what is going on. Be open and honest to him and answer any questions that he has.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 Messy situation isnt it? I dont think any aspect of divorce is easy, especially on the one party who will always be innocent - thats is the children!
Im encouraged by your honesty and a large part of me thinks you should afford that same honesty to your son but there will always be pitfalls.
I myself was in your boys position some 30 years ago and I can tell you that no matter how you broach this subject, he`s going to find it hard to adjust. You dont mention timescales at all but perhaps its a little too soon to expect him to take this in without being upset.
In my case, I was living with my mum but still saw my father on a regular basis and was introduced to a good few girldfriends of his. That in itself wasnt a serious problem for me until the point he started to talking about it being permanent OR that he was planning on having children with one of the women.
Its not the easiest of situations and, ultimately, your relationship with the lad will always benefit from honesty BUT, does he really need to know about this right now?
In your shoes, I`d be far more concerned about how he copes when your ex gets herself a new man. For me, that had far more impact than anything my father got up to.
You may be chomping at the bit to share your new happiness with your son but my advice to you is to wait a while longer. When the time is right, he will probably find out the truth for himself. Provided you dont have to tell lies to keep this from him, just carry on being a good dad to him and enjoying your time together.
Both you and the ex have been through an horrific experience and I feel its all too easy to overlook the fact that your child has been through it and is still going through it alongside the pair pair of you.
Forget the guilt youre feeling over how where when and why you new relationship started and just get on with things queitly for now.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Never been in this situation, but you were involved with "the other woman" while married to his mother.
I assume his mother knows this.
This tends to come out one way, or another, sooner or later.
This also tends to lead to anger and troubled relationships and mistrust of relationships in the future of the affected child. You should probably seek professional help with a counselor on this.
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