A
male
age
,
*DBL
writes:My sister in law's husband (My wifes sister) is cheating on her. He is 50 and he is didling their once babysitter who is in her early 20's. They have 4 kids (3 through 18). He told me he was going to stop but I have confirmed again it is still going on. For 18 months now. My wife is not close to her so she will not tell her. She just threw this creep a 50th birthday party too. If you are my sister in law do you want to know? How do I tell you.Thanks for your help.
View related questions:
sister in law Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Tell her
She deserves to know the truth
I cringed when I read about the HIV infection through a cheating spouse.
This woman although she will be in denial first, will thank u one day.
The cheating hb and the former babysitter need to be exposed. Now rather than later.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (21 June 2011):
There are many cases in which the truth wounds the heart. Some of us want to hear the tempered truth, a few of us prefer the absolute truth, and the rest are in denial and believe they can handle the absolute truth when, in reality, they just barely handle the tempered truth. The truth doesn't always pay, but then again, neither does a fib. I disagree with viewers who suggest that not telling her or exploring for a different option is a far better way to go. Are you going to just sit there and kick your feet when there is a dirty band aid in need of fast removal? Trust me. You don't want to be a band aid soaker. Rip it clean off. I'm not saying you should be completely blunt with her, but she deserves to know the truth. Either you spill the beans or she discovers her husband's infidelity on her own. Mind you, the second choice is a much more painful way. I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): I've sat 2 feet from someone and told them they had HIV (the AIDS Virus) because their spouse was cheating on them.
Believe me, they need to know.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): I do think she needs to know.
But PLEASE DO NOT tell her.
Find another way. Maybe leave a note in type so it can't be traced back to you or anyone. Only put a few really good clues but make sure they are clues that other know so it can't be traced back to you.
This will let her know and it will hopefully keep peace between your wife and the family.
...............................
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Personally I would like to know, it may solidify a lot of issues that are being experienced and questionable. Kind of like Gas Lighting questions for the wife.
There is the question of jealousy on your part also.
You don't want to break up a family (if it does) just to satisfy your possible vengeful jealousy. Hopefully you are a man of good stock.
The biggest problem for me is STD's if this 20 year old is sleeping with other men, she is obviously not thinking about anyone but herself so she may be a risky partner.
In the end it's up to you because you have the power to do so. Be ready to hear, "they have an open marriage" - "I already know and it's none of your business" - "You're a GD liar and house wrecker get out of my life you creep"
It's a large can of worms and when it rains some will get run over where others will dig another hole to live in.
Be ready for anything, even the husbands wrath of hell. Did you ever watch American Beauty that's similar to this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I would prefer to know and would feel so angry if it was kept a secret from me, but i like the truth. In your situation i would not take away HIS responsibility by telling her, because it is not your place and you may get in trouble one way or another... it is his place to tell her. If i were you i would say to him tell her the truth or i will have to, give him a deadline and get him to man up to the truth and take responsibility. If he won't why not ask the babysitter to take her share of the responsibility.
spunky monkey
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): that is a hard one. who else knows about it? do you have any kind of relationship with your SIL? maybe put the idea in her head so she will take notice. something like, "boy, jim sure does spend alot of time bowling these days. I always thought the bowling alley closed at 10." that is actually how i caught my boyfriend cheating. his aunt called me and put a little bug in my ear. she never told on him,but she made me think. she made me start asking questions to things I was just letting go. she said things like, "you think you know him well" "do you think he is a honest guy?" I never blamed her for it. I thank her for it. she didn't rat him out, I didn't even know her really. I had only talked to her once before. but human to human, she did the right thing. she gave him a chance to fix it and he didn't. so she helped me protect myself because he was messing with a single mom. he didn't blame her either. he knew he was doing wrong. at first he got mad, but he got over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (20 June 2011):
 You don't.
Why? It's not your place to tell her your wife's sister. Even if you told your SIL it can potentially start a family feud, she could very well not believe you, or be in denial over it. Perhaps there's a chance she is aware of it, but chooses to keep her family together.
Your wife won't even tell her own sister so what makes you think you're the man for the job? You're not.
It's been 18 months now..he'll eventually get sloppy and slip up. Then it's up to your SIL to decide what to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, freeme +, writes (20 June 2011):
 I think the decision comes down to your relationship with her. I think anyone would want to know if they are being cheated on.
Would you want to know? I know this is a bit of a difficult comparison since she is your wife's sister, but what if she knew your wife was cheating on you and didn't tell you? How would that go over with you?
These are the questions I'd be asking myself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): She won't want to hear this, but she needs to know.She may know already.She may not have a clue.But, she needs to know. He has made you a party to this by letting you know, however that happened doesn't matter, and as a party to it you can be a party that helps keep the secret or one that says "I'm not being party to the affair".The secrecy makes the affair sustainable, allows it to continue to damage the home life of those kids, and believe me it is damaging their lives. When it is revealed, the family may break up, but that is already happening and nobody can see what is wrong but all the parties, all 4 kids and the wife, may believe there is something wrong with them. I've read a lot about that, it happened to my wife, and she felt their was something "wrong" with her nearly all her life. Her parents both had affairs, neglected their kids, and both kids thought their parents didn't care about them (which they didn't as they cared about their affairs more than their kids), and thought that they had something wrong with them.Don't expect thanks, from anyone.When you tell her, make sure that you do so honestly, tell her that she needs to talk to her husband to get details but tell her what you know and why you didn't come forward earlier. That may be one of the reasons you get anger back "why didn't you tell me X months ago if you knew this".Also, tell her that it ate at you and you went and asked for advice to figure out how to handle it, and that this is what you got advice wise, from multiple people.My grandmother, who is still alive, after 96 years, said something a few years ago (20 years ago), that I will never forget, and still today I believe it to be true from what I've seen."I'll never keep a secret again as long as I live. I've seen so much harm from keeping secrets. If anyone ever asks me to keep a secret again, I'm going to go straight away and tell everyone in the country." She was exaggerating on the last part, but the secret that was kept in my family tore my cousins lives up, and I was as close to those kids as if we lived in the same house and I didn't have a clue what was going on.The truth would/could have helped everyone. The secrets only help the wrongdoer.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I would serious want to know !
Even if you are not close to her i think that she would be grateful to you for telling her in the long run, she has given him 4 children and he repays her by cheating with the old babysitter that's tragic and soo mid life crisis.
I hope when she finds out she kicks his ass to the kerb and gets herself a toy boy i bet she'll never leave the house haha
She deserves to know the truth regardless of what your wife says. And if that situation was reversed im sure your wife would want to know, its quite selfish her keeping schtum and letting you carry the burden.
Ask your wife again, if she refuses then go for it yourself, best of luck Mr :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Drew21 +, writes (20 June 2011):
 See, and i know there will probably be various opinions on this, but when it comes to matters like this i think i would leave it to the blood relative to decide whether they want to pass along what you know, or not.
If your wife does not want to tell her blood sister that her husband is cheating on her, then as her husband i would probably respect her decision and keep my nose out of it.
That's how my wife and i deal with this type of issue. I let her worry about her family, and i worry about my family.
However, to answer your questions:
I would think that if you were the sister in law, you probably would want to know. However, if you are not close with her, then i could probably understand why your wife really doesn't want to get involved. That is a WHOLE world of hurt that would probably be brought down on that family.
Is it really worth the trouble and the drama if you really don't care for her much?
As to how you would tell her: hard to say really. Again, this feels like a conversation that family would have, not brother-in-law to sister-in-law, ya know?
If you really can't live with yourself, i would probably do it anonymously. Many years ago i can remember my mom receiving in the mail an envelope of newspaper articles and magazine headlines all related to men cheating on their wives. That was all that was inside. It turned out someone was trying to inform her anonymously that they believed my father was cheating on her. (We eventually figured out that these letters always coincided with evenings where my dad and eldest sister went to a local theatre together. So someone at the theatre knew my father but did not know my sister, and thought they were a couple!)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Yes Iwould want to know. You should tell her. Even if she doesn't want to hear it she needs to know. Just tell her
...............................
|
