A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is 35 years older than me. We have a special connection and love spending time together although it tends to be once a week as we both have very busy demanding jobs. I am 24 years old and he has 3 children who know about me although we haven't met and who are similiar in age to myself. All my work colleagues know about our relationship and accept it. I am just struggling on how to go about telling my mum as I have been in a similiar relationship and it nearly destroyed the close relationship that I have with my mum!!!!Any suggestions are welcome!!!:-) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): its good your happy. I will keep my cynicism to my self as i'm sure all this negative judgemental stuff covers any doubts i could possible have for your safety. It may come as a shock to your parents so maybe tell them all the stuff such as he makes me happy we get on so well have a connection and tell them his age last
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Why tell your mom then? Don't tell her. You haven't met his kids yet, and he doesn't need to meet your mother yet, you are not engaged or planning to be married, you are not moving in with him, and honestly you see him only once a week yourself. Why bring your mother into this? She doesn't need to know.
I do wish you would be careful and not do anything naive though. An older man can easily exploit you as you are "young and dumb" as the saying goes. I'd be careful if I was you. He's got 34 years worth of life experience over you after all. So do not do anything on the basis of "but we love each other and I trust him blindly". Use your brains, stay independent, follow your own gut instincts.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 OP: You'll probably get a lot of negativity from people on this issue. For some reason, society is more accepting of gay couples than it is for straight couples of different ages. Yes, odds are that your relationship won't last as long. But no one knows the future. He could still outlive you... or you could marry someone your own age and still lose them to cancer or an accident. And if that person truly had been your soulmate, would the fact they died early make you wish you'd never had a relationship with them at all?I just know that if I met the person of my dreams, then found out she did not have long to live, I'd want to make the most of those years, not replace her with a younger model I didn't like as much.btw, is this guy charismatic, persuasive and likeable at all? Just wondering if your mom actually met him in person whether that would make any difference. Often people object to things in principle when they don't have all the facts. When someone hears "60-year-old man," they'll tend to imagine a certain image... usually not a very favourable one.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 The biggest question is: Why do you keep falling for older men and doing this to your mom?
We're not here to question your love for this man or tell you what you are doing is wrong. We're just here to point out the obvious in an objective manner. And the obvious is, this isn't normal. At 24, being in a relationship with a man who is just about 60 with children who are your age? That isn't normal for either of you. There are a number of reasons as to why you are doing this, most likely not consciously, but still deep down there is a reason.
Your mom only wants what is best for you, and unfortunately, relationships like this aren't. Do you want to eventually get married to a man? Have children? Have a family of your own? Grow old with someone? Share a life with someone? This is most likely what your mom wants for you. But it's not going to happen with these men.
I suggest taking a good, honest look at yourself. This is not something I'm asking you to post online here or answer. Just take a step back and examine yourself and what you want out of life. As yourself why you keep being attracted to these types of men. It could be father issues. It could be commitment issues. It could be some unknowing way to get at your mom for something. Like I said, there are many possibilities.
Either way, your mom isn't going to be happy. Will she be mad? Possibly. But I think she'll be more hurt and disappointed than anything else. But you have to admit, she has a reason. You know deep down that this relationship isn't right.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Well you need to first think of it from your mum's perspective - she will obviously want you to be happy, that is her first priority as a parent. And there is no way that you can have a happy future with this man, hence where her problem lies in you dating a man so much older than you.
1. You cannot have children with him as he is far too old to be a father again
2. Marriage is unlikely, and even if you do get married, there will be no grandchildren that your mum will want you to have
3. His health with deteriorate rapidly over the next 20 years, he is either 59/60 therefore, lets face it, his time on this earth is coming to an end. In the UK generally life expectancy for a male is between 75 & 80 depending on when they were born. Therefore at most you are going to have 20 years with this man, and those 20 years wont be the years your mum wants you to have. She will want you to be a young woman, building her career, enjoying her life, spending tume with friends, starting to settle down etc....not becoming a carer for an elderly man. Because that is what will happen to you, as his health deteriorates you will be the carer and spend your time looking after him rather than being a typical young woman. His hearing will go, his mobility will decrease, eyesight will get worse.....and these are just the NATURAL effects of ageing, never mind if he actually becomes ill.
Parents just want their children to be happy, they dont ask for anything more than that. And as much as you think you are happy now, the issue is that your future wont be happy with this man because of his age.
So keep this in mind, this is her reasoning and it is perfectly valid. You would feel the same way if your daughter was dating a man who had just got his bus pass and was close to being a pensioner.
However, that being said, if you are happy to give up your future, chance of having children...(basically all the things that most young women want) for this man, then that is your choice and no-one can criticise you for it, not even your mum. So explain to her that you understand how it might seem in her eyes, but you are in love and this is what you want for your future. Say sorry if it is a disappointment that you wont have the future she hoped for you, but this is the future you have chosen and you hope she can at least try to come to terms with it. You are 24 and old enough to make your own, considered decisions so she is just going to have to learn to deal with it.
But dont be too harsh on her when she struggles to accept it, it is a very hard thing for a mother to stand by and watch her child making a huge mistake - her natural instincts as a mother are to protect you and make sure you are happy. So to stand by and watch you do this is going against everything her instincts are telling her to do. Be prepared for this to cause damage to your relationship, again it is your choice to be with this man despite all the downsides therefore you may just have to accept that your mother is right on this one and she will never be ok with this, hence if you want this man you may have to give up your relationship with your mother.
If you try and be understanding towards her perspective on this, and explain your feelings for him, then there is some hope she might be ok with this. But if I were you I would not hold out too much hope here, not many parents would ever come to terms with a relationship of this type so just be prepared for another bad reaction from your mum.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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