A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have seriously messed things up with my girlfriend and I need advice on how to put things right. Basically a few weeks ago I went out for my friend's birthday, my girlfriend didn't come as she couldn't get the time off work. I was annoyed that she didn't ask for it off or that she didn't try and change her shifts or whatever. Towards the end of the night I got talking to a girl who I had worked with a year or so ago and ended up back at her flat with a few others. We had started kissing and that so she took me to her bedroom and started to give me a bj, I let her for a few minutes but I pushed her off and told her about my girlfriend. She laughed it off and said it was our little secret. I left shortly afterwards and went home. I haven't told my girlfriend yet, I know I need to and I'm being a coward but I have no idea how to approach it. We have been together two years and lived together for the past 18 months. I want to be honest with her but I don't know what to say. What is the best way to tell her without hurting her? I'm expecting her to break up with me but I'm also hoping she will give me another chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): To be honest, I think it depends on whether you can live with it or not.
I have cheated on my partner, and have never told him... but then again I am the sort of person who can live without feeling overly guilty (Horrible I know, atleast I'm honest).
Bottom line, you can hide it and move on, or will it eat you up until you tell her.
There is a 95% that she will break up with you.
You also live together, so it will also be a horrible, and very difficult break-up.
also, keep us updated!
A
female
reader, Tenderlovingcare +, writes (7 May 2013):
 I think whatever you do, it's going to hurt her. People are saying you shouldn't tell her but lets think about how that will eventually work out? What if this girl eventually meets your girlfriend or you bump into her while your with your girlfriend. It is not fair to not tell her. The fact that you waited long enough to kiss her and then let her do that, shows that your relationship is not that strong. If I went to a party without my partner and someone tried to come onto me, I would immediately push them away and tell them I was not single. However, you did not do this. I am not judging your actions because that was your decision, but the kindest thing you can do here is not keep this a secret. Imagine if she found out you lied. You will end on worse terms then, than if you were to end now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2013): Absolutely, do NOT tell her. It is your secret. It's not like you had sex with another girl. If you tell her, it will end your relationship. She will never forgive you or trust you again. You have the ability to change your cheating ways. Just don't do it again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I think you should break up with her. You have been with this girl for a long time and are living with her, and you cheated on her. You went to a party and you had two choices...enjoy yourself, have fun with your friends and then go home and be with your girlfriend, or you could cheat on your girlfriend. And you want another chance? Oh hell no. You knew what you were doing, and if you really liked or loved your girlfriend you would not have done what you did. You can come up with a million and one excuses or reasons or blame, but bottom line, you made a choice and it was a really, really bad one.
Yes, she is going to be hurt. Why not lesson that hurt a bit without telling her all the details. I would be sick with disgust if I found out some other girls mouth was on my boyfriends, penis when we were together. The damage is already done and you are not someone who can be trusted. You made the choice and now you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. I also suggest you don't get involved with anyone seriously until you are capable of being committed, trustworthy and faithful. Your girlfriend did not deserve that.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I don't think you should tell her. It may make you feel less guilty but it will hurt her. Unless you want to end the relationship in which case telling her would probably work.
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A
female
reader, angelloveforever  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 ok ima be straight up with you. my man was in this situation once.... and he wanted to tell me but kept putting it off.... eventually he came to me and said "baby i love you and wouldnt do anything to hurt you but at the same time im only human and humans mess up, i messed up a while back and i feel terrible about it" then he got into telling me what he done. i told him i loved him and that i would give him one more chance... tell her how much u love her... dont let her walk away. hold her. let her cry in your arms if she is gonna cry ok?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): I was on a trip once, for weeks, and at the very end i felt lonely and home sick. Moving from city to city was tiring and on my last destination when I was in a hotel lobby I met a guy. We started talking and he invited me to dinner that night. The way he talked and looked at me made feel like I m at home and talking to a close friend. He was from US also. He also spend many weeks abroad, and he couldn't wait to get home. We had dinner, then we had drinks, then we went to listen to a band, then we had drinks again. I had to get up at 6 am to catch a plane, there was no reason for me even to go to sleep. We couldn't part that night. He walked me to my room, we laid down with our clothes on and talked for another hour. Then he kissed me, that was a kiss that lasted for half an hour. We didn't do anything else, I told him I was married. We slept for an hour, then woke up, had breakfast and said goodbye forever. Next day I was home again with my husband and children. According to those of you who think that truth should always be spoken, should I tell my husband about this night? That it was a moment of weakness out of loneliness, should I brake his heart with my honesty? I don't believe that you need to say anything to your girlfriend. I think it s more sane to not do it anymore then do it and immediately run to your girlfriend and tell her everything.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): So you pushed her off… she laughed… and you went home… You’ll have to spell it out for me Anonymous – did you climax – Yes or No? (Sorry fellow Aunts and Uncles.) My answer is then based on a NO don't tell her just yet; I’d put this down to you being a DUMB SH*T where you will no longer go out anywhere like this without your girlfriend in the future! If you dare think you’d get away with this again – you’ll be grossly mistaken!
Keep your genitals in your pants lest you get suckered into getting an ORAL STD… Yes it’s passed on through saliva from kissing etc! So get yourself checked out before being intimate with your girlfriend! When she asks why you’re abstaining sex from her – you spill the beans and wear the consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): Ok, I'm going to give you a very unpopular opinion. I would NOT tell her. What is the reason for telling her? To make you feel better? It will do nothing for her but cause hurt feelings and trust issues for you. You want to tell her because YOU are feeling terrible and you want to ease your mind. Do yourself a favor, don't do it again. You excuse about being upset because she couldn't attend the party "made the situation", doesn't fly with me. Be a big boy and a better partner and move on and don't look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): You found yourself in a situation that you'd let get out of hand, but in the end you stopped it. Yes it went too far, but not as far as it could have. Now you feel suitably guilty, which is appropriate. But -- you would be telling her so you'd feel better. That's hardly fair to her. Seems to me you've learned your lesson. Spare her feelings in this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): How people can say to not tell her is beyond me. If your own partners received oral from someone else would you just think 'oh, it was meaningless, that doesn't count'. NO - that's cheating. Of course you'd want to know.
OP, you have to tell her. You shouldn't have gotten yourself in that situation in the first place, so you have to accept responsibility and confess. If she ends it with you, well then you've only yourself to blame and know not to get into situations like that when you're in a relationship. Like the others have said, don't even think about starting the explanation with 'well, I was annoyed you didn't get time off work...' - that's ridiculous and isn't an excuse for your behaviour.
Bite the bullet and tell her. If she decides to stay with you, be very thankful and make sure nothing like this happens again.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 May 2013):
 Hi
I don't know if it's a good idea to tell her to be honest. However it seems to be playing on your mind so you will have to come clean or your guilt will be too obvious and she will ask around or guess.Which will hurt her more.
Do not say anything to infer your girlfriend is to blame for not being out with you. If you can't behave and control yourself for one night then what does that tell you and her - about you.
I don't know if she will believe you didn't have full sex with this girl, it could be just as bad to her, a BJ and kissing. You have broken the trust she has.
Be gentle and prepared for the fall-out.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (5 May 2013):
Well, if this was just an incident then there's the option of not telling your gf if you really don't want to lose her.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (5 May 2013):
 Confess. Its easier than lying for the long term. Not at all prudent of u to put urself in that situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): "What is the best way to tell her without hurting her?"
Did you really just ask that?
Not going to happen OP. Just tell her soon and don't have anymore sexual contact with her, the last thing you want is to pass on an STI.
Just tell her what happened and whatever you do, do not put any of the blame for what happened on her. Don't even mention how annoyed you were OP as it's not an excuse and frankly it will kill your chances at keeping her because it makes you sound like you're trying to give a reason for what happened when there is none.
Be honest OP but not too much detail. Tell her there was kissing she started oral and you stopped her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): Dont tell her. What are you going to accomplish? You will break her heart, and it was something meaningless. I can never understand this new trend in giving blow jobs to a complete stranger. Why do girls do it, but thats besides the point.
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