A
female
age
30-35,
*lmofudge
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Due to a compulsory year abroad as part of my uni course we have been in a long-distance relationship since October. I thought so long about whether I should go or not because I knew I would find it hard without him. Even though I have got used to being away, I've always felt like I belonged with him. We have never tried to over use "i love you" and I know he does love me, everyone says he is not the same without me there. This is where I am confused...you see he says he doesn't have the money to come and see me whilst I am out here. He said he didn't have the money and also that because I am going home in a few weeks and then will be finishing my placement in June, that it is not long to go anyway. I dunno, he bought a drum kit his favourite band were selling off for charity, like 600 quid, after first telling me he didn't have enough money to fly out and see me (he is in the uk, i'm in germany). He is also going to Italy for a few days in July. Then I got upset yesterday because he is planning to go to download festival, which is like 170 quid...yet doesn't have the money to see me. I know this guy loves me like anything so I am a little confused and a little bit hurt. I don't want to shout at him or anything, but how do I tell him that this has hurt my feelings? I mean, he does really sweet things for me too, he has taken the rest of his holiday allowance for when I am back so that he can spend every day with me and get to see me properly. Am I wrong to be confused?
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female
reader, elmofudge +, writes (17 February 2010):
elmofudge is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. I definately am going to consider what you've all said about priorities. I mean, we both have lives of our own and both do our own thing. I don't want to be the only thing he devotes himself to, not at all. I even offered to pay for him to come and visit but he said I should save my money for uni because I don't earn a lot myself. I guess I just need to see if there is something deeper than just the money excuse. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): To be very strict, what he does with his money is up to him. It could be he had this money set aside for a while to buy these things, or already had them budgeted in. Well I doubt he runs a budget, but never say never. Either way, how you use money and can afford and not afford is not about having a certain amount always available. Its about prioritizing. We usually prioritize rent and money for food and then whatever is left gets used on what we want to. Like me, I live on a tight budget, I rarely go out to drink and stopped shopping for clothes so I could afford going to visit my boyfriend (and he lives a lot further away than Germany-UK). Im not rich, but I prioritize.
Your boyfriend prioritize as well. He may not be rich, or have money left unspent every month to save up. But had YOU been on the top of his list, he'd cut back on the expenses like I've done, so he could go see you. He hasn't, he keeps living life and spending money as usual. Which is a fair thing, he doesn't feel the need to go to you as you will be there soon.
Perhaps he hasn't realized how much you want to see him. If his sole excuse is that he can't afford it, bust him on the drum kit and other things he's used money on. But we aware that an ugly truth may be revealed that you'd rather not hear: you're not on the top of his list. That he'd rather have all these little luxuries than you. His drum kit is more important than seeing you.
How he treats you now is most likely how he will continue to treat you. If you're not his top priority now, you might never be.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (17 February 2010):
 Listen to CaringGuy, excellent answer. I cannot add anything more, just be calm when you ask him about it and maintain your cool.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 February 2010):
No, you're not. Sadly he's still a young guy, and perhaps doesn't see you as the priority. I think you should gently speak to him again and just say that you're a little hurt he spent all the money and didn't see you. See what his reply is and you'll start to be able to understand why he did what he did.
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