A
male
age
41-50,
*orcerer
writes:Hi aunts and uncles. Have appreciated your advice in the past and need it again now please.Having weighed up previous advice, I now realise I can't go on with things as they are. I am in love with my best friend (who is female) and while other people believe she has feelings for me and everyone thinks we either are or should be together, I simply can't go on not knowing. It's tearing me apart. I am fairly certain she doesn't feel anything more than close friendship and I can't go through life spending all this time with her when I want more.I also know that my telling her this is going to hurt her dreadfully. A previous male friend, but nowhere near as close as we are, once asked her out on a date as opposed to just being friends and it freaked her out and she wanted nothing to do with him.I am trying to work out how best to do this, as I would really love to just get this out of my system and one day be her friend again. The thought of not having her in my life as my best friend also tears me apart. I am thinking of saying something along these lines:"We're best friends, and it's important to be honest with each other. I don't know if you know, but a lot of people seem to think we are a couple or that we should be a couple. In fact, a lot of people actually think you would like us to be but that you don't want to say for fear of ruining our friendship. Are they right?"But that puts all the onus on her to say something, which isn't really fair. If she said something positive, then I can be positive back. If she is very definitely not wanting anything more, I can say:"The problem is I've been listening to them and I think they are right, we could be a really good couple. I know that's not something you want and so I think it's best if we don't see each other, for a while at least, in the hope that later on down the road we can be just friends again with nothing getting in the way."Thoughts please.
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male
reader, Sorcerer +, writes (27 January 2010):
Sorcerer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEmily's - nice idea, but sadly neither of us drink much at all, so that's a non-starter!
Angzw - get where you are coming from too, but I couldn't bear to have chats with her down the line about who she is seeing, and I know that every time we do something and she smiles at me, my heart will continue to yearn for more. I guess it's self-protection.
Thanks guys. If she was just 'a friend' it wouldn't be as bad, but it's because she is my best friend and both of us have always said we mean the world to each other and will always be there for each other and I don't think it's possible any more.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (27 January 2010):
Wait a minute; you are in love with her so to prove this you are going to dump her and end your friendship?? I understand what you are trying to do, but as a woman if a guy told me he thinks we shouldnt see each other, my answer would be "Ok, cool. Cheers". You will be forcing her to save face; she won't say "No! Wait!" if that's the reaction you are hoping for. Second of all, you are making a move on her talking about other people's opinions. Women do not like men who lack confidence to the point where they appear to be making decisions at the behest of others. Better script: "I have fallen for you. I don't want you to say anything right now, I just want you to hear me out. I think I am in love with you. I wish one day in the future you could feel the same way I feel about you. But more than anything I don't want to lose you as a friend. So if this is not the right time for you to start a relationship with me, I fully understand. I just needed to let you know how I feel".
In your original script, you are trying to keep your escape hatch open. She will push you down it herself. Chivalry is putting yourself at her mercy (opening up about your feelings and not speaking in riddles), then she has the chance to feel swept off her feet in a way. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (27 January 2010):
Personally, I'd go the other way.
Go out for a drink get tipsy and then try and kiss her.
If she freaks out and slaps you in the face then you can grovel back the next morning saying you were drunk and don't know what came over you. Hopefully she'll accept that and then you can carry on being friends and try and get over her.
If she kisses you back then you can have a chat and tell her that you think she'd be an amazing girlfriend. Don't give it the big "I love you! I always have and if you agree to go out for dinner and change your mind then I'll kill myself!!! OMG!"
Just keep it casual, and see if she'd like to try giving things a go.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (27 January 2010):
your putting the emphasis on what other people think, and she will feel like youve been discussing her at great length behind her back. Your feelings are going to come across anyway, you are better off telling her the truth, that you've developed feelings for her, infact you basically need to tell her what you've told us. That you really dont want to loose her, you think you know she has no feelings for you, but its plaging you to the point of distraction so you need to tell her.
honesty in this situation is the only way, using the he said she said tactic will only result in more problems
I hope this helps.
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