A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, probably seems silly but I have an amazing boyfriend who I know loves me and vice versa but many years ago when he was only 20 he met and married someone.He tells me he was young and silly, didn't love her age regrets the years he wasted with her as she cheated on him repeatedly and was not a nice person (verified by other people)Yet I imagine their life to have been amazing as he went to America to visit her and stayed there two years. Then married her in Canada by a beautiful spot.I think.shd must have been the love of his life regardless of what he says which he he had no real feelings for her as he was young and naiveHow do I stop thinking and feeling how I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 November 2018):
 I think you need to make lots of happy memories together to erase the images you have in your head. I am sure you must have a lot already, but you need to keep making more.
Why would you think your boyfriends ex was the love of his life when she treated him so badly? Even if he thought she was the love of his life at the time, such treatment would soon kill any feelings he had for her.
Stop thinking about her. Stop asking about her. Stop obsessing about her. She is his past. I am sure you think about her a lot more than HE does.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (21 November 2018):
 OP, why are you obsessing over something that happened close to 20 years ago? Your boyfriend has told you how he feels. Why don't you believe him? If you keep thinking the way that you are I can guarantee you that in time your boyfriend will get tired of the questions, the doubt that you have and he will want out. Why don't you focus on NOW? What does the past really mean anyways? Is he in contact with her? Has he cheated with her? If not then LET IT GO
I got married at 19 to my childhood sweetheart (we started dating at 16, lost touch got back together at 18). It turned out to be 2 absolute years of hell of my life. We had a child together. He was far too young and immature for married life/family and he was physically abusive to me. I filed for divorce, he already had another woman pregnant and they got married 6 weeks after the divorce went final. Wife number 2 of 5!!! I have forced myself to wipe out most of the memories because it was a very sad scary time in my life. I don't want to remember! I certainly wouldn't call my ex husband the love of my life. I can just about guarantee that your boyfriend feels the same about his ex wife.
What makes you think that you boyfriend feels she was the love of his life? I sincerely doubt it. Wake up, and be in the here and now and let the past stay where it should be...in the past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2018):
 Oh and a little add one..
You write:
"Yet I imagine their life to have been amazing as he went to America to visit her and stayed there two years. Then married her in Canada by a beautiful spot."
Stop living on la-la land, OP
I bet it was NO picnic for him to marry a woman and then to discover she couldn't keep her knickers on! No matter HOW pretty a spot where they got married is/was - it's really neither here nor there. His marriage to her is OVER and has been for a long time, I'd venture a guess that so are ANY romantic feelings towards her.
Live in the HERE AND NOW - not in your fantasy of what his marriage MIGHT have been like because it REALLY doesn't matter!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2018):
You know the PAST is in the past right? UNLESS you keep dragging it up!
OK, he MIGHT have loved her. He might even have thought she was the love of his life... and then LIFE and MARRIAGE to her happened and shit hit the fan. He realized she WASN'T the love of his life and HE moved on.
YOU can LOVE more than one person in your life-time. It's not a one-time deal.
My husband got married at 19 and divorced at 21. I'm pretty sure he loved her and thought they would grow old together.
IT's WHAT you are SUPPOSED to feel when you MARRY someone!
(unless it's arranged or a transaction marriage - like for a green card or what not).
He is older now and probably know what he felt for her was maybe not the grand LOVE as he thought when he was 20. He has matured. Lived life. Met you.
Why worry about that now? It's not like he can CHANGE the past. The fact is that HE isn't with her, he doesn't love her or PINE after her. He married her, it didn't work out and he divorced her and moved on.
You are making drama over old shit that no one can change.
If you can't handle that he has a past with another (or more than one) woman, then don't BE with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018): What I have heard her from not only my boyfriend but from others was that she was a nasty piece of work and a cheat. However she remarried and when he left her after two years of marriage and five years after divorcing my boyfriend she went to him to bail her out and he willingly helped her with a home he paid for to rent and he stayed there, but said he did not like her, only stayed because it was on route to work and easier to get on the train and he had no feelings for her.
That just doesn't make sense why he would help a woman he no longer felt anything for, especially with how she had treated him in the past. The two children she already had when he met her stayed in America and he helped her stay in England after her second divorce. He has told me he just helped her out but I did see on his Facebook last year she tagged him for a few months stating they went out and spent time together.
My worry is she will seek him out again and it will reignite feelings for her. He has said he would never entertain her again in any way shape or form but she did come back onto his life when things in her own life went wrong
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2018): I was in a wonderful relationship for 28 years, until my partner died of cancer. I shutter to think that the current love of my life would feel jealousy or resentment over the past; when my feelings for him are new, and all about him...and only him! I don't have room or time to worry about his past. Our present and future are all that matters!
That's all that matters!
You have a sense of jealousy; because you can't get past a sense of "ownership" over people. It has to be brand spanking new and untouched, before you value it. It's got to be custom-made to fit only you, and you should be the one and only "owner."
Most people have loved somebody else. You're pushing 40; you're likely to meet nothing but divorcees, or people who have been in-love many times over! Before they ever met you!
Are you a virgin? Were you born yesterday? Are you an angel sent from heaven?
Seriously though?!!
You can not be rational, and feel everything they think, feel, or see should be focused or centered around you. Otherwise, it isn't real or 100%? Retro-jealousy often requires therapy; because some people just never get past it. In my opinion...DEAL-BREAKER! Not worth the trouble!
To the left!
It's such a big waste of time being in competition with the stuff going-on in somebody's head! If they can't control it; the best thing to do is to let them go. Don't suffer for it.
That would be my advice to him, if he is aware of what you're thinking.
People focus too much on bad things nowadays; to the degree they can't see good anywhere. All they see is what could hurt them, or what might go wrong. There's too much selfishness and finding fault. Always something that throws a nasty fly into the soup. Muck it up! No matter how delicious and wonderful it is.
You grow-up, and just stop thinking about the past; and focus on him and the present. It's too much about YOU, and YOUR FEELINGS! You're negative and ungrateful for God's blessing to you in the form of someone who loves you.
You have to concentrate on the subconscious-mind; which wants to sabotage what you have, and to mess things up.
Employ self-control and optimism. Repeatedly affirm and tell yourself everyday how much you love him, he loves you, and that you deserve it.
If you don't feel deserving; you'll search for ways to sabotage it, poison it, or kill it. Your cynicism is your greatest enemy; and it will not allow you to receive love.
You either gain control over the things in the back of your mind; or you'll let them manifest into behavior that will destroy everything good that comes your way. A therapist can't cure human behavior. Only help you figure-out how to deal with it.
Being mature and reasonable demands that you treat your relationship with value. Treasure it! Nurture it!
Do that, or you will destroy one relationship after another. That's your alternative!
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2018):
 I fail to see why you would be thinking about this, and why it affects you so much. He has already said he was young and silly, never loved her, and regrets the years he wasted with her, and she cheated on him. This should be enough for you to cast this from your mind and move on.
It was also many years ago, so its not like it happened last year. I strongly urge you to forget this and move on and concentrate on the relationship you are currently having. If you don't you risk losing him altogether. The when that happens you will look back and see how daft it all was.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 November 2018):
 I’m struggling to see where you’re coming from here.
What aren’t you understanding about him being repeatedly cheated on and that various accounts of her not being a nice person? How are you disregarding what he’s saying and having your own bizarre idea of what went on overiding his statements?
I don’t see anything amazing about being repeatedly cheated on. If you can’t get over this on your own then seek counselling or you’ll push your BF away if you keep bringing this topic up.
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