A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 5 years. Over the past year or so my feelings for him have really changed. I can't pin point exactly when it happened or what caused it, but I don't want to be with him anymore. Everytime I hug him, kiss him or we have sex, I feel like I am forcing it. He can sense this and he is constantly questioning my love for him - and I am constantly reassuring him that everything is fine. Each time we go through it again, I tell myself "here is your chance, do what is right for the both of us and just end it", but then I wimp out EVERY TIME, immediately regretting it afterwards. I don't know if it is the thought of having to start over, the thought of him hating me, of having to find another place to live or what it is, but I just CANNOT LET GO. Maybe I am in denial, maybe I don't want to believe that 5 years can just be OVER like that. Last time I wrote a big "it's not you it's me" letter and read it to him. A lot of it is me... I haven't been single since high school and I feel incredibly lost. Most recently when we had the conversation he told me he had me "figured out" and accused me of being a person who forces people to break up with them just so I can say "YOU did this", while in the same breath telling me he wants to be with me forever. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 I've been where you are hunny and i empathise. You will both be hurt, he may always love you after you've gone deep down, but you need to let him go for his sake if nothing else. He can grieve get over it and meet someone else and be happy,which he will by the way. He cant do this if you wont let go. Short term pain, long term gain for both of you i reckon. Be the hero and let him go. good luck x
A
female
reader, CaliMoore +, writes (24 July 2009):
 Think; what has changed in your relationship with him? .. nothing? maybe your bored.. could you see yourself with another man? the longer you hold onto this unhappy relationship the more damage you'll create and the more it will hurt him.
Sit him down as say "recently i feel as if our relationship hasn't been at its best, it doesnt feel the same as it used too, don't you agree?" - you may find out he has also been feeling similar and has also been in denial, or worried about telling you/dealing with being alone and single again.
Or if you can't tell him how you feel face to face.. write another letter, but leave it out for him to read when your not there, and come back within the hour so he can ask questions/discuss it.
Being together for 5 years has created a safety blanket for you both, your no longer lonely as you have each other, when you become angry, annoyed or upset you help and support each other. It's not unatural to not want to break away from that, its comforting knowing thats there, and the thought of having to break away and find it elsewhere, not knowing who with or when can be scary.
Being together for so long and not moving forward shows its not just you having doubts about yours/his own feelings in the relationship. Be honest with yourself and then with him, don't wait around any longer it will only make things more difficult, if you really love him, and know your not happy or doing him any real favours, you'll do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, liljohn2345 +, writes (24 July 2009):
right ill start by saying the best thing to do is try what yo did o your first date. candle lit dinner or a movie on the sofa, and see how you feel after this, i you still feel the same then you need to it him down and explain ho you feel, dont rush into anything as you may reret it at some point, you need to figure out what you want deep down, ask your self do you want to stay with him or do you want to end it, and also dont do the its not you its me as its not really good for both of you, its a joint thing its not you and its not him, the relationshipis two ways not just one, hope i have given you the advice you wanted, if you ever want to talk let me know im always around to help people, liljohn
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): I suspect he already knows and feels what you have written and is just waiting for you to tell him,i bet he will be relieved when you do,it will make it easier for him to accept and walk away without doubt or feeling guilty
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A
female
reader, lola16182  +, writes (24 July 2009):
Well this isn't probably good advice...but I am going through the exact same thing!
I think the reasoning is because you and I are people that like to make others happy..and therefore put other people's happiness before our own. We know that in order to make us happy we have to hurt somebody else--and know that the cause of this person's pain is all due to us breaking their heart.
I have now been on both sides of this--with the same person. He broke my heart years ago saying that he just didn't feel the same & that it wasn't working. Down the road we got back together and were together until now but the tables have turned & now its me that feels it isnt working. Although depends on the type of person your boyfriend is..mine is controlling & his anger outbursts are starting to scare me & thats what made me fall out of love with him because I am afraid of him.
What you need to do is write out a list of EVERY CON about the relationship. Each time you think you might chicken out read that list over & remind yourself that the sooner you do it the better. The longer you wait the more it's going to hurt both of you. Might as well let your guy start the grieving process now so that he still has the rest of his life to search for someone else.
Theres no easy way to do it really...I have tried many times & all I have accomplished is us breaking up but talking about ways to try and make it work. But i'm stuck in that I dont know if I want it to work. No matter what way you tell him it will hurt. Doing it in person is the most respectful but the most difficult because they may get very emotional and cry. I hope you find the power in you to do it. But be prepared for the crying & him begging you not to end it...trust me it'll come.
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A
female
reader, superbunny +, writes (24 July 2009):
 You're not being fair on your boyfriend if you stay with him just because you're too chicken to be single or end it. If he can sense it, he's probably not too happy either with how you are acting towards him.
People can't develop things properly if they're in a relationship constantly, you need to time on your own to grow a bit - seriously, it may sound cliche and stupid, but it'll do you good.
Your relationship has just run it's course, that's all this is. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault as such, but I think you need to sit down and talk to him so you don't hurt him - you obviously still care about him after being with him for so long. Just suggest that maybe it's better to part on good terms, at the end of good times rather than boring each other/getting on each other's nerves?
Sorry I can't be of more help!
x x x x
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