A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday evening, my LDR boyfriend from on the Continent met up with one of his female friends for a bite to eat and a couple of drinks. For a laugh, they decided to sneak into the place where he works since they weren't too far away and he has a key. They spent a while listening to music, dancing around and talking; he jokingly made her practice her English from a book they found lying around and she "said [he] had a sexy voice" when he spoke the language. When they left they accidentally forgot their beer cans in the hallway, so he had to rush to the office early this morning to bin them before anyone else arrived.He told me the story when I logged in about an hour later. Now, I'm not generally a jealous person at all - and I'm not just saying that. I know he has many female friends, and I'm absolutely fine with him seeing them whenever he wants. Yet something about this incident really upset me, although I didn't say anything to him. I guess it's because of the intimacy of the circumstances; the thought of him alone in a dark, quiet place with another woman, dancing and laughing and chatting, all things which I can't do with him on a regular basis. We only get to see each other every few months. Obviously I'm glad that he told me, and I know that people who have nothing to hide don't hide anything! But how do I stop feeling down (and admittedly, a teeny bit betrayed) about it? Am I even justified to feel this way? Any advice would be really appreciated. Thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): (OP here again) Sorry, not forgetting to say thanks for a guy's take on the situation too :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Thank you so much for the answers girls :) You've really helped set my mind at ease. I've been a bit silly about it really; I know that I can trust him completely and he's never given me any reason to doubt his integrity. I suppose the hurt was indeed caused by feeling rather left out, thinking that his friends can see him all the time and I can't. But ultimately I do know he's honest - honest enough to have admitted in the past to trying to make me a little jealous actually, as one way of checking that I cared about him (as I'm guessing was the case here). I don't understand the logic to tell the truth, but either way I never tell him he succeeds! Anyway, again, I'm very grateful. Take care and best wishes x
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A
male
reader, Cultuz  +, writes (15 September 2011):
From a males perspective, this sounds a bit like he is a little insecure like most men in relationships (due to the fact that women have a much easier time getting hook ups).
He most certainly didn't do anything with this girl and I doubt there were any feelings involved, but he wanted to make you jealous so he can feel a little less insecure. I'd suggest telling him that you feel that this episode was a little inappropriate for your relationship and that you'd appreciate him not doing anything like that again, unless with you...Why? Because you are his and he is yours and those moments are meant for you.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Hi,
Well he told you so that is a big plus. However, by telling you it has now got into your mind and it will be difficult to shake off. It could be totally innocent, it could be the start of gradually ending things. Ldr are played out in the mind a lot of the time and the relationship is imagined and thought about more than if you see each other every few days. That's my only advice to you and that is see if you can handle the constant mind games that you play in your own mind. If they play on your mind, then you may discover ldr is not for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 I guess it really comes down to how much you trust him. When in a LDR you have to realize that they have a "life" where they are at, which inclused friends, for some friends of both sexes.
I think it is more about you feel like it should have bene YOU and him, doing all that. Which I can totally dig.
Feeling a little jealous is not bad as long as you don't let your imagination make it into more then it is. Honestly, though, he could have skipped the whole "sexy voice" part. To me that seems like he wants you to be a little jealous. That you need to know that other women find him sexy too.. know what I mean?
But overall, I don't think it's a big deal.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Many people wouldn't feel comfortable about this, but that doesn't mean you have anything to worry about or that you need to act on it. He was open with you about the incident, and as you do not usually feel jealousy in this relationship, you have set a precedent that he (and you) can engage with friends freely. You both trust each other enough to not have to set limits on interactions with the opposite sex; you trust each other to behave responsibly.
That is your precedent, so there was no betrayal here.
Understanding what you are feeling is helpful. Jealousy and envy are not the same thing, but are often confused with each other.
For example, your friend wins the lottery. You can feel envious of how lucky she is; wishing you had won, but not begrudging her either – maybe you could both have won, or you can feel kind of angry that she has the money and feel that you deserve it and she doesn’t.
Is it possible you are envious of the friend (or any friend) who got to share moments with him that you would like to have because you can't do that regularly? If it were a man, you might not feel envy so sharply; because men and women interact differently (they don’t dance together, for example). If you could do it more often with him, do you think you'd feel the same way? Does part of you feel a little left out?
If he were with a different female friend, would you feel the same way, or is it this girl in particular?
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (15 September 2011):
 Well, that night sounds like something out of an 80s romantic comedy starring Molly Ringwald. I know where your thoughts are headed and I'd be jealous too, even if your boyfriend's friendship with this girl is strictly platonic. It's hard for me to imagine that in such a private and oddly romantic setting there weren't some sparks flying, but of course we can never know what really went on. So I can understand that you'd be feeling jealous. For the record though, you are justified in feeling whatever you feel, always, all your life. Your feelings are your feelings. How you act on them is what needs to be justified, at least in my opinion.I do, however, object to the logic that because your boyfriend disclosed what went on that night that it means everything was innocent. Some of us are more expert at lying and know that appearing candid by always nonchalantly volunteering 90% of the truth is the best way to lie. For one, because so much of your lie is based in truth it will be easy for you to remember the details of your lie if you are asked again, and if anyone else was involved they will naturally corroborate your story. But of course nobody would even question if you're lying because, hey, why would you volunteer so much information if you had anything to hide? Anyway, I have been in a LDR myself (that worked out; we are still together) and realize the amount of trust it takes to keep the relationship going, so I do not wish to plant seeds of doubt. But if your seeds are already there, be wary when your boyfriend is being so candid, because he could just be kicking up a lot of dust to hide what really went on. o_o
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (15 September 2011):
 I am in a long distance relationship, and it is normal to feel a bit jealous when other people get to do things with them that you wish you could do with them like in this instance for you. In this case I think that is all it is, but the main thing to focus on is that he is honest with you about it, and he told you straight away he didn't wait for a couple of weeks, or just because it was something he slipped up and mentioned. In instances where I feel that small pang of jealousy I focus on the fact that he is honest with me and he wouldn't be so open about these things if he up to anything. Keep your focus on the fact that he loves you and is honest with you, and you will be fine.
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