A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im not getting anywhere + anything I want in life. In other words, I can honestly say that I am probably a bit of a pushover - even in the eyes of others. This needs to change. For example, the other day at work, one of the managers said to me that I was to easily intimidated. The guy is a bit of a dick sometimes, but I agree with him. I might get asked to stay late at work, but not have the courage to say I cant. Ive never been kissed. Ive never really had the courage to ask a girl out. People have said to me on occasion that I am "too nice." I care too much about what a girl is going to think of me, or what my manager is going to say or do if I say something that is slightly rude. To put things simply, Im scared of doing wrong by people or saying the wrong thing or swearing on Facebook (because im scared what my family will think) and this gives others reason to manipulate me. Ive learnt that yeah, you cant please everyone, but alot of the time, I still seem to come off second best, especially in a lot of social contexts and Im really getting sick of it. Would appreciate any insights/help/advice. Cheers.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (11 May 2013):
Hi there. You need to stand by what you believe in.
By that I mean, if something just doesn't feel right for you, you need to say so, and be heard.
You can be assertive, and still be respectful.
It's not what you say, but how you say it, that really matters.
And regards being asked to work back by your boss, if you genuinely have something on that night that you must attend to, and had arranged previously, well then you need to tell your boss about it, and apologise and say why.
It is very unlikely that you would lose your job over not being able to work overtime.
And it is very unreasonable to be expected to work past your normal finishing time, at very short notice.
It would be acceptable to have been given one or two days notice prior, and this would make it much easier for you to accommodate the company's needs.
And perhaps you could mention this to him, the next time he asks you work overtime.
And when you are being asked to work past your normal finishing time, are you being paid overtime for this?
Because, you probably should be, I would say.
And this is something you need to clarify with your boss, also.
You both need to both be on the same page, as far as this is concerned.
You can always be assertive in any situation - without being rude - by saying no, when something doesn't feel right to you.
So don't be afraid to do this, because people will respect your boundaries.
And they will respect you more, also.
And once you have been assertive, and the more you are assertive, you will never be a pushover again.
It's not a difficult thing to get used to.
We all need to set our own personal standards, and abide by them at all times.
And then you just cannot put a foot wrong, I promise you.
And you will find that everything in your life, flows a whole lot more smoothly, from that point onwards.
Live your life by your own standards, NOT someone else's.
A
female
reader, finalmailings  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 I had this problem too. What I found it boiled down to for me, was that I did not have confidence/love/respect for myself so I was looking for others approval.
So, I stared to work on this issue by reading books on building self-esteem, co-dependency, etc. I also went to therapy..this helped me so much, it was life changing. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Good luck, I feel you, just know that this CAN change for you if you work for it and I believe you are on your path.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 It's hard to assert oneself at work because it's natural to be scared of losing your job, or some other negative consequence. But with social situations it really is critical you stop worrying about what other people think about you, especially women.
You can work at being more assertive a little bit at a time. Or you could get professional help in the form of an assertiveness course or maybe a life coach. Or some other confidence building activity like martial arts.
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